I found
out I was pregnant only 8 months after my son, Devon, was born, I was
afraid of my husband's reaction. We weren't planning on having another baby
for a few years. So on his birthday (April 4) I wrapped up a little
pink shirt and gave it to him. He had wanted a girl when I was pregnant
with our son. He just looked at me and said, "You're pregnant?" I smiled
and looked at him, then I said, "This could be our little girl."
Sign My Guestbook |
View My Guestbook
When the u/s
showed no heartbeat at 12 weeks, my OB asked if I wanted a D&C done.
I was in shock that I was losing yet another child, so I said I would wait.
I was not prepared
for the emotional impact this loss would have on me. My previous losses
left me feeling profoundly sad, but this time It was like I knew what I was
missing because I finally had something to compare it to.
I had recently
started going back to church, and didn't want to believe that God would allow
this to happen so soon after I had come back to His fold, so at first I figured
the doctor was wrong, so I waited. I think I cried more during this loss
than with any of the others. I prayed and prayed that God would see
fit to "save" my baby, My struggle to accept that I had lost this baby
was a long one, but by the time the intense cramping set in I couldn't take
it anymore. Every cramp and spot of blood was a reminder of what I was
losing.
While I was
under the general anesthetic, I had a dream, or a vision as some people have
called it. I saw my husband, myself and a child, walking together on
what seemed like clouds (there wasn't much to define it, but I saw mostly
white mist), holding hands, 
the child between us, all of us laughing and smiling. For a long time
I thought that the child was our living son, but now I realize that the
child might have been the baby I had just lost, and that we would be together
someday in Heaven. I found comfort in what I thought it meant, it helped
me to heal; and I find comfort in what I now think it meant. I do KNOW
that I will see the babies I have lost in Heaven, and we will all live together
in the eternities.
