Thursday, February 6, 1997
I am so scared!
I think I am prengnant. I was supposed to start my period on Tuesday,
and I haven't yet. What am I supposed to do? Mats is going to
kill me! And my in-law's will be MAD! This wasn't supposed
to happen until later this year! Well, I can't ask not to be; if I am I can
only ask for help in getting through it. I am so scared! :|
Friday, February 14, 1997
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!
Today I found out I am officially pregnant. So now what do I do? I couldn't
tell Mats, even though I wanted to. I do want this baby very much,
but I am afraid of what everyone is going to say. For once I would
like people to be happy when I tell them, especially Mats. How long
can I keep this a secret?
Sunday, February 16, 1997
I cracked! I told
my mother-in-law about the baby. She is thrilled! I couldn't believe
it... I thought she'd have a cow, but she just beamed. She told me
that it wouldn't be fair to keep this from Mats too much longer, so I told
him when we were out for a drive. He was mad because he thinks we should
have and could have been doing more to prevent it. *sigh* What's done
is done. We'll muddle through it somehow.
Saturday, March 1, 1997
I am so scared! Last night
I had some pink discharge -- which might mean that there is a problem with
the baby. I don't think I can handle another miscarriage. Mats
is being great - supportive. He shocked me last night by saying how
much he wants this baby. I didn't know how he felt about it.
I go for an ultrasound on Wednesday. I pray everything is ok.
Monday, March 3, 1997
Click
on the images to see a close up.
Luke
|
Mitchell
|
Thursday, March 6, 1997
I went to see Dr. Watt
today for the results of my ultrasound. He said they aren't good. 1)
There are two sacs, which means I am carrying twins. 2) Only 1 sac showed
something in it. 3) By the dates I have given him, the gestational age is
about 3 weeks behind what it should be. All these things are scary
but they showed me a faint heartbeat yesterday, so I am hopeful. Even
still, my history has taught me that even when I feel optimistic that
things can go bad. I am confused. I remember the last miscarriage,
and how I felt that I should leave it up to God. I am praying so hard,
but I don't seem to know if I should trust my feelings or if I should believe
Dr. Watt. I am scheduled for another ultrasound next Tuesday.
I suppose I have to wait to see what shows up. I hate waiting!
I want to know now! I want to cry! :(
Saturday, March 8, 1997
I was at the hospital
for 3 hours tonight because I started bleeding while I was making dinner.
Once I got there the bleeding had stopped and the ER doctor said that my cervix
is closed. I even showed him the ultrasound report from Wed. and he
still said that I could go on to have a healthy pregnancy. At this
point I feel like Dr. Watt is right and the only thing I can do is keep praying.
:(
Monday, March 10, 1997
I spent this afternoon
at the hospital again. This time on an OR table having a D&C.
I cannot tell you how I am feeling because I am numb. Emotionally numb.
I do not know how to feel. I am confused because of how I felt
about being pregnant in the first place. I know that this happened
for a reason, but I hope that reason wasn't becuase I was apprehensive about
having more children. :(
Wednesday, March 12, 1997
I am still in shock I
think. I haven't really cried yet. A few tears came last night,
and thoughts of the changes in my body during pregnancy and what might have
been, but no real crying. I wonder if it will ever hit me? I am
sad, but I can't figure it out. Perhaps it's denial that was even pregnant
in the first place. I don't know. I feel like there is something
wrong with me. Why can't I cry? :(
Tuesday, April 8, 1997
Mats has been hit really
hard by this miscarriage. He is more sad this time than any other time.
He is so sad. I am being strong for him... I don't want him to know
how guilty I feel about not wanting the babies. I mean I wasn't even
ready for one, so two would have been really hard to cope with. I
am forcing myself to suck it up. Do I really have a right to be sad
when I didn't want them in the first place?
Thursday, April 24, 1997
I am so emotionally drained.
All of the garbage that I am going through concerning the miscarriage and
trying to hide my real sorrow from everyone. I feel like I am going
to explode. I think I might have a breakdown if I don't get a rest.
I need to be alone to work through this. I need to get away from here,
but how and where do I go? :{
Tuesday, June 17, 1997
I am starting to really
feel the grief of my miscarriage in March. I have been pushing these
emotions deep down inside me, hiding how hurt I really am for so long... And
it has affected my whole life in ways I didn't even realize. Everyone
keeps saying to me, "You have been through so much, it's easy to see why
you are depressed." I guess part of me doesn't even want to admit it
- I mean do I really have a right to be so affected... I guess so, since
my body and mind seem to be doing it for me whether I want to or not.
I suppose I have to face this now... no one is going to understand because
it's been so long since the miscarriage. :(
Sunday, June 29, 1997
I find it hard to believe
that I really could have been pregnant with twins right now! I never
really thought that that could happen to me. I find myself hoping that
I do have twins the next time I get pregnant. I don't know how I would
have done it, but I know it would have definitely been a learning process.
I feel like I am moving forward a bit now... I am still sad and miss my
babies, but I know I am headed in the right direction now.
