Thursday, September 3, 1998
Well it's official.
I am PREGNANT! Good or bad I'm not sure. I'm feeling a bit of
both. Yes, I want a baby, but now? We live in a 2 bedroom apartment.
Although we did go look at houses last weekend, realistically I don't think
we can afford it. I am also scared. What if I lose this baby? I don't
think I can handle another loss.
Wednesday, September 23,
1998
I think my worst fears
are coming true. I went to see Dr. Gannage today (my GP) because I am
having pains in my right side. He thinks I might have an ectopic pregnancy,
so I am going for an ultrasound tonight. The good news is that it might
just be a bladder infection (I have white cells in my urine). I am
so scared! What am I going to do if I get bad news? :( 7 wks.
Click
on the picture to see the full size scan.
Friday, September 24, 1998
Ok, I am confused... the
ultrasound went great! It showed the baby is inside my uterus and is
growing fine. My HCG levels are fabulous and my urine analysis came back normal.
So what the heck is causing the pain? The Dr. said there aren't any
cysts present and it isn't appendicitis. Growing pains? Maybe
I'm taking too much folic acid? VIT C? I don't know what to do! :(
Friday, October 2, 1998
Well it must have been
the extra vitamins I was taking that was causing the pains. I stopped 
taking the extra folic acid & vit C. Now I am only taking the
prenatal vits and the pains have all but disappeared. Whew! Now it's
all a matter of making it through the next 4 weeks to my second trimester
then I will breath a sigh of relief. :) 8 wks.
Tuesday, October 13, 1998
OK I am officially TERRIFIED!
I started having cramps today. I went in to see Dr. Watt (my OB) and he
said everything is ok internally, but he couldn't find a heartbeat - which
isn't unusual at 10 wks - but he's sending me for an ultrasound tomorrow.
I am so scared, and Mats wants to pretend it isn't happening. Why
is my life full of people who don't know how to support me?
Wednesday, October 14, 1998
When I went for my ultrasound
this morning I knew there was something wrong the minute the tech asked to
do a VUS. They found no heartbeat! My baby is dead. Again.
It hurts so much. Why is this happening to me again? God didn't
let me die in 1991 so I could face this? What greater purpose could
my life possibly serve if I can't carry my babies? :'(
Thursday, October 15, 1998
I had a D&C this afternoon.
I should say tonight. They told me not to eat after 8 am, and to be
at the hospital for 2 pm. I didn't get into the OR until 7 pm.
Well, now the physical healing will progress quicker and I can move on to
the emotional healing. I feel so physically drained this time.
I wonder how intense the emotional grieving will be? :'(
Monday, October 26, 1998
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY
MYKAELA! It's hard to believe she is already THREE! Time is just slipping
away. 11 days post D&C and it's just starting to hit me. And
no one understands that this still hurts. They seem to think that because
I've had so many losses I should "get over it" quicker. I think even
Mats feels that way. They don't know what I am going through.
I am so sad! :(
October 30, 1998
I started a
website for information on miscarriages for parents who are going through
what I am going through. I called it
Over the Rainbow - like the song from the Wizard
of Oz. "Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue, and the dreams
that you dare to dream really do come true." I don't want other women
to feel as alone as I feel. I cry by myself and all I want is to be
held and comforted but no matter how many times I tell Mats that he won't
do it. He won't talk about it, and if I cry in front of him he leaves
the room. I am so ALONE! :(
Wednesday, November 4, 1998
Tonight on
Party of 5, Daphne had her baby. She was very premature and they
showed her in an incubator. What really got me was that you could hear
the little baby breathing and it really hit 
me that my baby won't ever get to breathe. I won't get to hold her
or nurse her. I couldn't stop thinking about all the things that I am
missing.. I tried to talk to Mats, but he just ignored me. He
said he didn't want to listen to me cry and left the room. Why do I
have to go through this all by myself. :(
Monday, April 19, 1999
I have officially named
the babies that I have lost. It feels good to actually give them their
own identities. Now maybe people will realize that they are real and
that they were human beings, not just a medical condition. I keep telling
people "I had a miscarriage not a disease!" Working on Over the Rainbow
has really helped me. It is very theraputic, and I have met so many
wonderful, supportive women. Finally people who TRULY understand what
I am feeling. I finally feel like my healing is moving forward in a
healthy direction. :)
Introducing:
Aaron Matthew, Nov. 11, 1988
@ 9 wks.
Riviera, May 1991 @ 8 wks.
Kennedy, April 1992 @ 6 wks.
Destiny Lynn, May 24, 1994
@ 12 wks.
Luke & Mitchell, March
10, 1997 @ 9 wks.
Sabrina Faith, Oct. 15, 1998,
@ 10 wks.
I love you my little treasures!
:') <--Bittersweet tears
