 |
| recent LEE |
| Cyberia |
| Tracking and defining ME |
| Reality |
 |
| (f)eline |
Neil also was not to be or to last but he helped drag me through a greater darkness. My motivation was wrong there, right from the start, and in truth what he saw me as had no bearing in my reality. It could not last. I did however learn that I deserved a life for myself. That I could reach down into myself and find pleasure and fun. He reached down and drew me out, coaxed me out to play. He also did not, could not dare. Neil fit my sister's template for all men I have previously been involved with. Neil looked at me and sought to make me OVER into an image that fitted his ideal of what a relationship should be. I am glad it did not work. I am learning all the time, every moment of existence. Sometimes the most startling surprises sneak up on you when you are not even looking. Suddenly you open your eyes and your mind and there they are; there it is. Everything changes. I believe in magic and goodness triumphant; kind forces bringing safety in a universe where there is danger , joy where there is despair, love where there is hatred and they often wear a human face. I cannot opt out of life because too many of my dreams have been shattered , my solid world crumbled too often. I know that when one least expects it love flares within and without. Now people look at me and SEE me. I am no different and yet ultimately different. YOU I miss. Right now. YOU. |
Nowadays I am hardly online at all. There are those precious souls I keep; friends of the closest order who will be my friends through life, and all it's upheaval - those I know - who also know me. These I keep in touch with my phone and email, and occasionaly on ICQ or MSN. My life has opened out.I find at times a part of me saying "And who the fuck IS ian?? He was right to push me away because he had no desire to change himself or his ways. Do I stand in judgement of him here? Yes I do, for I have earned that right bought dearly with my shattered hopes and broken faith. He told me he would never letme go and he did. He told me he loved me and always would. He loves noone but himself.I would rpefer to be alone now than with the wrong person. For a while there I believed there is someone right for everyone EXCEPT me. I have revised that opinion. Inf act, I know otherwise. ian has to live now knowing someone else will have what he never had the courage to pay the price for.Ian threw me into a deep dark cave where I knew no way out and I honestly just wanted to lie down and die... BUT people don't do that. We always go on. Something compels us to go on even in the midst of unbearable horror because MAYBE there is another lamp, or maybe some deep part of us refuses to believe that there ISN'T one. |
| he who dares, wins |
| 5 |