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| recent LEE |
| Cyberia |
| Tracking and defining ME |
| Reality |
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One the way back after that final meeting in heathrow I was met byDolly.., and those few hours she kept me company helped me survive this. I dropped to 37 kgs in two weeks and became a silent shell. I could not laugh. Noone noticed me, I began to become invisible. I went about my life saying not a word lost..screaming inside. Noone heard. This man talked me into meeting and I flew across the world to find out IF....and we spent an idyllic month and I learned I could have fun and was at peace for the first time I can ever remember in my adult life. I was tempted not to come home and we made plans...to meet in New York for my birthday...then back a nd forwards until we could build a world.... it lasted a month... and then the silences grew... I had let him talk me into hoping. I learned soemthing else . That I have value. That all any of us have IS now...this moment. I believe I have a right to happiness. I look at what people DO and not what they say I begin to heal |
someone chatted to me one day from Scotland near where mike comes from and I talked hungrily to him for that reasonand he rang me...and would not let me go and talked me into laughing. I remember the first laugh that shocked me after such a long time...and love grew. we chatted...we played online The lessons of my life in Cyberia and in life began to coalesce. I say my own pain in mike's wife... reflected and know two people cannot build their happiness on the pain of others without destroying the very love that draws them. I learned that soemtimes love is simply not enough. I have seen so many souls out there trapped in silence bound by ties I cannot comprehend until someone awakens them. I have seen that awakening can be crippling and cruel for one does not miss what one has never known. I find beauty and joy in all I meet and choose carefully my companions, and I have not the strength to dream... yet...or hope. |
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