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life love lust
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life love lust
| DR. MARGIE HOLMES gives her no-nonsense advice to a women who can't stop having sex with her ex, a working girl sick of a touchy-feely officemate, and a woman who's too scared to get creative in bed. |
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LOVELESS IN BED I broke up with my boyfriend three months ago but we still see each other and end up sleeping | of saying things tangentially, which in Filipino would be called making padaplis) - don't work. | ||
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together every now and then. I'm not on love with him anymore---it's just that we've been together for so long (three years) and I'm so used to him. We're not seeing other people so I figure we're not hurting anyone. Are we just using each other for the sex? Or are we just bored (and horny)? The answer could be the either (a) one or both of these things, or (b) neither. To complicate matters even more, it could also be both A and B on one occasion of sleeping together, and neither on another. In other words, I think you may be asking the wrong questions here. What you should be asking yourself is: How do I feel after I sleep with him, this guy who happens to be my ex-boyfriend? Do I feel good? It's not necessarily a question of caps-over-the-windmills-that-was-a-religious-experience-I'll-never-be-the-same-again good (although that would be nice, too) but just, "Was it OK? Is this something I would do again if it felt exactly as it did then?" If the answer is yes, then the next question you ask yourself is: "When can we do this again:" Sex is much a complicated, intensely personal experience. It's very difficult to decipher what makes it work. You have a man with whom it does. It doesn't matter why it does, although I suspect the love, caring and sexual attraction you had for each other had a lot to do with it. The fact is that it does. It gives you both pleasure without hurting anyone else. You seem feel a tad guilty about having all this "sex without love." Good God, do you realize how many men would kill for this?! And women too if they realize the true joys of SWS-sex without sabit? In our culture of ultra-religiosity, sex-at leas, good sex-shouldn't happen without love. The truth is, good sex hardly happens even with love. So don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Quit with analyzing and continue with the enjoying. |
But you have gone as far as step 3 and it still hasn't worked, so now is the time to be more direct and to tell her that you don't appreciate what she does. This way she can't use the excuse that she doesn't understand what you are trying to tell her. You don't have to accuse her of being fresh or even explain that you think she is making "chancing". Your feelings are you own and you need not justify them. As long as you tell her politely but clearly how you feel, that should be enough.
Do this with a friend present or in writing by way of a letter/memo so you have tangible evidence that you did call her attention to the issue. That way, if things don't stop at this level, you have proof that you tried to stop things on your own and now need your office to step in and help you do it. Good luck. It isn't easy doing what you have to, but it is a lot better than suffering in silence. BOND(AGE) GIRL. I've been with this guy for a year now and the sex has been great so far. But now he wants to try new things- he mentioned handcuffs and blindfolds. (Is it normal for guys to want to try these things?) I trust him but I'm nervous about it. I want to be exciting in bed but the whole idea makes me self-conscious. What do I do? You do what feels most comfortable to you. This means not only what feels most comfortable to you sexually, in | terms of what you're used to or what you were expecting, but also what feels most comfortable to you emotionally. It sounds like you have no objections to this suggestions on religious, cultural or even sexual grounds. In other words, the idea of handcuffs and blindfolds could also be sexually exciting to you. In that case, what matters most is your relationship with guy: (1) How do you fell about being completely under his control? Because this is what handcuffs and blindfolds mean: the complete and utter domination by another person. Pretty scary with the wrong guy (sometimes even damn dangerous) but an absolute turn-on with the right one. Is this the sort of things that would be okay with you as far he's concerned? Is he the right or the wrong guy as far as this sort of things is concerned? (2) How do you feel about your relationship going this much further? Even if handcuffs and blindfolds seem like only fun and games, laughter is a key binder in relationship- a lot of times more binding than tears and deep revalations. If your relationship with him is one you want to not only last longer, but also go deeper, then go for it. If, however, you don't mind it's lasting longer but want to keep it keep it at this level, than I suggest you hang back with the handcuffs and blindfolds until you find another person you will find doing this with not only safe, but also exciting. | |
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TOUCH ME NOT. I have an officemate whom I am no longer comfortable hanging out with. She touches me- arms, cheeks, hands, back- and I can't stand it. I've gone as far as insulting her but she's more ma-kulit than a guy! I've lost my concentra- tion at work and I'm uncom- forable even with my other officemates.
| Thank you for being so "typi-cally Filipino" and indirect, which, under ordinary circumstances, would work. In fact, ordinarily, you wouldn't even have to go that far. Insulting her is a far less indirect way of telling her you don't like what she's doing. That would be step 3, only if step 1 (giving her a look/facial expression) and/or step 2 (making a joke as a way | ||
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