Colin and I found out in March 2000 that I was expecting our first baby in the fall. Needless to say we were ecstatic. We nicknamed our baby "Bean" because that's how big he was when we found out -- about the size of a lima bean.
In June, when we went for our first ultrasound, we received the shock of our lives - that our perfect little Bean didn't have any kidneys. The doctors told us that Bean would most likely go full-term, but that he would only live for maybe a few minutes, if he survived the birth at all. We went home and cried a lot that night and asked God "Why? Why us? Why now?" We had been praying for a baby for the longest time, so why was this happening? I remember reading in Matthew 26 about Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane and how he prayed that he wouldn't have to go to the cross, but that he would if it was God's will. We prayed the same thing about Bean. Jesus was greatly distressed at the idea of dying on the cross, just like I was at the idea of carrying Bean full-term, only to have him die once he was born, but then I thought of how Jesus trusted in God and how that was enough for him to overcome his fears. He trusted in God's love for him and in the fact that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love him. The cross is the best example of what I learned -- that what the rest of the world may see as a bad situation can actually bring the greatest peace and joy into our lives when we surrender it to God's will.
Jesus' submission to God's will, his death and his resurrection set the pattern for us in how we viewed Bean's life and death. Proverbs 3:5-6 became my theme scripture: "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." I needed to imitate the faith and trust in God that Jesus showed on the cross; that no matter what MY understanding of the situation was, if I trusted in God and allowed HIS will to unfold in my life, then all things would work our for our good. We continually prayed that God would fix Bean, but only if it was his will.
Because of our surrender, God enabled us to live with a spirit of peace and joy that I had never experienced before. Because of our challenges with Bean my relationship with Colin deepened in a way I never would have thought possible, and our walk with God, our faith and trust in him, grew way more that it ever would have in such a short time. Bean was the best thing to have ever happened to us.
Our son was stillborn just over three months ago, on Oct.15th. We named him Nathaniel because it means "gift of God". Psalm 139 says "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb... My frame was not hidden from you... your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." I KNOW that God knit our son together and that he left out his little kidneys on purpose. He knew that we needed our son to be born that way to increase our faith, and the faith of those around us. God knew where we were at spiritually and ordained our son to die before he was born so our faith could grow, in the same way that he saw ALL our hearts and ordained Jesus to die on the cross so that we could have salvation.
When I look at the cross now I see that all things, whether we deem them "good" or "bad", are ordained by God in the hopes of bringing us closer to him. To God be the glory.
[home] [about us] [colin's page] [melissa's page] [nate's page] [corben's place] [our photo album]