"Bear with me while I speak, and after I have spoken, mock on." Job 21:3 
 

"British humourist Spike Milligan once recalled how he was in the throes of a nervous breakdown. Alone in bed and crying uncontrollably, he noticed his baby daughter walking towards his bed, arms outstretched. In her hand was a glass of water. She wanted to give something. Something to make it alright. This was all she could find." Peter Paphides 
 

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. 
 

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Groucho Marx 
 

"When it comes to bacon and eggs, the hens are involved but the pigs are committed." 
 

Have people realised yet that yesterday had gone? 
 

7/5ths of all people don't really understand fractions. 
 

You realise that someone had to actually invent the toothpick? 
 

So why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? 
 

Govt. Safety Film No. 47, "How Not to Be Seen." 
 

Is there another word for synonym? 
 

Of all the things I will be asking God: "Why POO?!" 
 

"Remember your journey from Shittim..." Micah 6:5
 

What was the best thing B4 sliced bread? 
 

Feel sorry for the women who were guinea-pigs for the first bikini-line waxes. 
 

And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
 

"...she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses." Ezekiel 23:20 
 

"Not to be taken orally" - little-known instruction on a Band-Aid ppacket. 
 

You are as old as you feel - except first thing in the morning doesn''t count, right? 
 

"All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand." 
 

I want to know why a psychic always asks your name. 
 

I knew a psychic who was always loosing her car-keys. 
 

Hampsters are people too! 
 

Surely farting must be one of the most socially unwelcome but privately satisfying acts? 
 

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 
 

Why do doctors call what they do "Practise"? 
 

Men are like dandruff - once you've got it, it's hard to get rid of. 
 

If yesterday was the day before today, what is the day before the day before yesterday? 
 

So, what's the speed of dark? 
 

What WAS God thinking when he created the squid? 
 

TV Talk Show Host: "And now for something completely different: a man with three buttocks." 
 

How do you know when you are out of invisible ink? 
 

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters:
EVIL'S AGENT

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z''S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

PRINCESS DIANA: When you rearrange the letters:
ENDS IN A CAR SPIN

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and  says "dam"

Two peanuts  walk into a bar. One was a salted.

A  jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but  don't start anything."

A sandwich  walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for  the road."

Two aerials  meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception  was brilliant.

Two cannibals  are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put  on it."

"Doc, I can't stop  singing 'The green, green grass of home.' "
"That sounds like Tom Jones  syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

Two  cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was  artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true,  no bull!"

A guy walks into  the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I  can clearly see you're nuts."

Two  hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says,  "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Deja Moo: The feeling  that you've heard this bullsh#t before

A  man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there  anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he  picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says  "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

A man walks into doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks  the doc.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."

Our ice cream man was  found lying on the floor of his van covered with nuts & hundreds  and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

What  do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

Two fish are in a tank
One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaking tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

No one is listening until you fart.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our butt.... Then things get worse.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday... around age 11.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
 

TV Ad Outake: "This is THE most amazing, wonderful, useful and handy personal-safety device we've ever had the privilidge to offer...what's it called again?" 
 

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 
 

I woke-up on the wrong side of the bed this morning - underneath it. 
 

I keep falling out of bed - maybe I might move it away from the ceilling. 
 

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
 

Report to Police-Officer: "I saw a 600-foot-tall flaming polar-bear attacking an Android Ronald McDonald wearing a blue velvet nightgown outside of the village bowling-greens - or was I mistaken?" 
 

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 
 

I woke up this morning and had no idea where I was. Now all I want to do is find my bed again. 
 

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 
 

Earic Thorsweld: Inventer of the convex spoon (according to some Nordic myths). 
 

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 
 

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 
 

Could you pretend to be a banana - for at least 1 hour? 
 

I wish I had a bigger head, then my hat wouldn't keep falling down over my eyes.
 

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have the film loaded. 
 

I got my films developed, except all the shots were upside down. 
 

Is it possible to get lost in your own bed? 
 

Call to computer service centre: "I can't find my 'Any' key..." 
 

My new PC's great - it comes with it's own coffee-cup holder - it slides in and out at the touch of a button too. 
 

THE "Irish Virus" works on the honour-system - just delete all your hard-drive files manually. 
 

I'm up-to-date with the rapid change in modern communications' technology - I just discovered stamps. 
 

Little-known hint from software manual: "Do not use Coca-Cola to clean your motherboard." 
 

Don't use black spray-paint to clean your monitor with either. 
 

"Shin": a device for finding furniture in the dark. 
 

"Pimple": an act of Satan purportraited against the end of your nose right before your big date. 
 

"Facaes" (that's poopey, people!): The Fall of Man. 
 

"Wearing a face that she keeps in a jar by the door - who is it for?"(The Nurk Twins)
 

Woman to Hairdresser: "I've got a magic mirror, but I keep wearing the batteries out."
 

Would you help me out of this soup? 
 

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. 
 

Things you'll never hear on-air from Play School: "Today we're going to light our farts..." 
 

TV Talk Show Host: "And now we're going to meet a man who claims he can put bricks to sleep." 
 

I only just recently discovered that you're not supposed to eat the paddle-pop-stick as well. 
 

I intend to live forever - so far, so good... 
 

Bungee angst: "Now, is it left foot then right foot, or right foot then left...? What the hell - jump." 
 

If you're going to take the cat out, Henry, make sure to put his hat and coat on.
 

I had to put the cat out...it was on fire. 
 

Theological Thesis: "Do Cats Burp? A Calvinistic Viewpoint." 
 
 

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 
 

Recalled from the shops this Xmas: the anatomically correct Barbie - the one with Ken's bits. 
 

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 
 

My mother always told me: never argue about religion, politics or knitting - thats' what I told my shrink. 
 

My shrink told me to repeat to myself, "Every day, in every way, you're getting better and better." Now I'm an enthusiastic serial-mugger with no low self-esteem problems. 
 

Heard of the latest Barbie: 'Divorce Barbie.' She costs 200 bucks but she has Ken's House and Car. 
 

Never 'Bible-Bash' unless you have one of those bleedin' great big leather-bound King James Versions', OK? Paperbacks fall to pieces. 
 

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
 

The sound of one hand clapping is a Govt. back-bencher trying to express his viewpoint. 
 

Everyone knows "Diet" is just "Die" without tea. 
 

Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk? 
 

Conversation between computer technician and client: "Have you checked that it's plugged in?" "Why, would that help?" 
 

What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 
 

My mum warned me to never mix my drinks. I only drink one at a time, bless her. 
 

If a tree falls in the forest, watch out. 
 

Classified Ad: "Invest in your future NOW! Burial Plots on special..."
 

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. 
 

Notice in Shop-Front window: "Yeoval Vs Oberon in the Bi-Annual 6-Fingered Bobsled and Windmill Family Knitting Picnic Regatta." 
 

Mechanic: "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 
 

"I tried it, but it kept falling over" - early developmental research for the 1-legged piano. 
 

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 
 

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. 
 

Did Adam have a belly-button? And, if he did, was his navel-lint always a bluey-gray too? 
 

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 
 

You gotta feel sorry for the poor bugger in Melbourne who's real name is "Ben Laiden". 
 

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. 
 

Newton's First Law (later revised): "Apples bloody hurt." 
 

Ancient Babylonian Proverb: "He who throws mud loses ground." 
 

Then there's the old proverb, but how do you apply "Frogs jump into puddles of camel's dribble"? 
 

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. 
 

Weight Watchers first failed advertising slogan: "I will start my diet tomorrow." 
 

Now, if only I could remember what I'm supposed to forget... 
 

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. 
 

Tasmania's claim to fame: splitting the first beer-atom. 
 

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 
 

Floors can be deceptively flat. 
 

Biological Research-Grant Project Final Analysis: Mice run faster with 4 feet. 
 

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques. 
 

"I don't use starch," said the actress to the Bishop...no, hang on, that's not it... 
 

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. 
 

Why does the cash in other peoples' wallets always look fresher than yours? 
 

Newspaper Headline: "Fluffy the White Rabbit Returns to Rejoicing Family" (It's true! It's true!) 
 

Is this the right room for an arguement? 
 

Notice on bedroom wall: "First socks THEN shoes" (ta to Garry Larson - you sick bugger!)
 

My brain hurts...the brain in me 'ead. 
 

Why do dogs bark? BLOODY GOOD QUESTION!!! 
 

We shall fight the Romans for your right to have babies, Stan. 
 

Why ducks? 
 

"Attention All Animal Lovers... your practice is Illegal and can earn you fines of up to $50,000 or imprisonment." 
 

Documentary Report: "The African is non-migratory." 
 

If life is so good, why are so many people dying all the time? 
 

Church Action-Committee AGM: "Brian's been arrested! Do something, Reg!" "Right - this calls for immediate...discussion." 
 

And get the Machine that Goes PING. 
 

Want to know what it's like to be drunk? Ask a glass of water. 
 

You know you're drunk when you can lay on the floor without holding on. 
 

" 'Ow are you feeling now, Sir - better?" "Better get a bucket, I think I'm gonna throw-up." 
 

"Thanks, everybody. This is my first A.A. meeting. I have a problem, but I'm confused. When I drink, I start feeling very dizzy, then bump into things, and can't control my tongue, and I fall down a lot. What does this mean?" "You're pissed, fool!" 
 

Manager to employee: "I'm going to sell you to a vivisectionist." 
 

Manager's Report: "Somewhere in here there must be some definite uplifting signs of an improving gross profit margin and radical increase of stock-holders' portfoloio investments over the whole range of our buisness structure before bankrupcy hurtles us all towards a sub-human life of abysmal poverty..........nope, 'fraid not." 
 

Is self-absorbed like a paper-towel? 
 

"You can't say that! You'll never get away with it!" "Bloodnock, you COWARD!!!" "HE GOT AWAY WITH IT!!!" 
 

"You two upstairs, could you please take your noisy boots off?" Clump...clump......clump. "Ooohh, he must have a one-legged friend...either that or one three-legged friend..." 
 

Pschyciatrist: "There's enough material there for an entire conference."