Who gives a shit anyway? Nobody even cares if I am or am not. The supposedly 'community of love' is loaded with legalism, rules, conditionalism and fear. So much for a gospel of peace. What a load of shit. Jesus is cool, but his modern-day followers make-it-up as it suits them - what a load of complete bullshit. How could you ever introduce anybody to that kind of gospel? Why don't people come and stay at church - enuff said!!!

I thought forgiveness was unconditional - until reality bites in application. Unconditional love is too bloody hard for people - they choose not to love or care unconditionally. So much for the gospel. Doesn't sound like good news to me, does it?!

I have been rejected by so-called 'Christians' who don't want to accept grace, mercy or truth - it's just too bloody hard to do for them - they cop-out, and ignore the dying, wounded and starving. "Maybe they'll just go away, and then we won't have to worry about them, and it won't be our problem anymore" - that's what they think - I know it's true!!! But - what if part of the problem was their own responsibility?

I despise myself - I drink so "I don't have to think".

I still have diarroreah after 6 months - doctors are falliable!

If this is a mental breakdown - it's not as bad as they say it seems - but nobody gives a shit anyway.

If I give someone the best 10 years of my life - but that experience is not good enough for them - what then?

"Divorce is NOT an option" - until they just can't be bothered? So much for supportive-love, care, compassion and kindness.

"Grace" is an unrealistic dream here on earth. I always believed the Gospel revolved around 'grace' - but I don't think so - not in practical application.

If my whole life is an accident - what then?

Why should I trust myself - my real self - to anybody else ever again? I have at least twice - and I have been rejected twice.

Who would even miss me if I wasn't here anymore? Maybe Josh, but that's about it.

I don't know anymore...I thought I did, but now I'm just not sure anymore...

Email me if you ever read any of this!!! I ask because I know no-one will ever bother!

Drunkedly written 9th Feb 2002.

Walla-ballo, walla-ball-ah, who gives a damn if we're driving a car...I'm very drunk writing (composing?) this - can u tell?! lol. I've only had 6(?) maybe 7 glasses of cheap dry white wine. "I drink so don't have to think..." Has the hat been found? (Memories of Beatles For Sale!) Who could ever forget that pine-forest and stoned ramblings - that writing still remains somewhere...

"We're looking for someone called Jameson." "Isn't he in a band or something?" I am an 'unperson" -isn't that cool? Should I change my name by Deed-Poll? "Brain John Whiting"?

Imagine if Brian Epstien had booked The Beatles to play at the Star Club in Hamburg at the start of their 1966 Tour? Unannounced, and they just turned up and played a 1-hour set. Maybe they would have enjoyed that?! Just playing rock and roll rather than being the Mop-Tops for a change.

Some diet! Meat Pie, Tomato Sauce, boiled white rice, sweet chilli sauce and soy-sauce. Plus cheap dry white wine, ice and lemon fizzy-drink. At least is must have soaked-up some of the alcohol! I don't feel as overcome as I did earlier.

"If you see kay, tell her to get stuffed!" My initial impression of sex (ie. my 'very-first-time')- "I think I'll become a monk..." My initial impression of catching my first surf-wave - "Fuck sex!"

I wonder...nah, fuck it! Can u tell - the life-force has gone away?! I feel nothing - that's really what it's like - Ijust feel empty, nothing...there's no motivation, energy, positivism, nothing anymore. It's just blank inside. No pain - I'm just numb from pain, hurt and rejection. And that's not the alcohol speaking, either!