• Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that's where you get crap ideas from

• When life hands you lemons - Grab the salt & pass the tequila, baby!

• If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

• Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.

• The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.

• Avenge yourself ~~~ live long enough to be a problem to your children.

• The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere ~~ and hide the keys to the car.

• Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.

• The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.

• Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need babysitters and too young to borrow the family car.

• Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

• Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.

• There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it.

• Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.

• Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.

• Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.

• There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and his mother's age.

• Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers.

• An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.

• Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

•  Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

•  I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

•  I don't do drugs anymore...I get the same effect just standing up fast.

•  Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

•  I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.

•  I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

•  There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

•  I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

•  I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

•  Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

•  How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

•  Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

•  Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

•  Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

• Virginity like bubble; one prick, all gone.

• Man who run in front of car get tired.

• Man who run behind car get exhausted.

• Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

• Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

• Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

• Man with one chopstick go hungry.

• Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

• Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

• Baseball is wrong; man with four balls cannot walk.

• Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

• War does not determine who is right; war determine who is left.

• Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

• Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

• It take many nails to build crib; but one screw to fill it.

• Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

• Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

• Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

• Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

• Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

• Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

• Scribble "I LUV kylie / westlife" all over all your belongings at work. You can tippex these out and update them as your tastes change.

• Take a scooby doo lunch box with you. Groan when you open it and ask loudly if anyone wants to swap your fishpaste sarnies.

• Twang the bra strap of every female you walk past.

• Work on some new phrases, such as 'act your age, not your shoe size!' and (only to women) 'If you had no feet, would you wear shoes?'

• Perfect that 'god, why do I have to do everything look' for whenever your boss speaks to you.

• Giggle if anyone mentions something with the slightest innuendo, ie, if the boss says 'Come in my office.'

• Ask someone to tell a colleague that you fancy them and then refuse to come out of the toilets all day.

• Rebel against dress procedure, men wear ties very short and back to front, women wear too much make-up and very mini mini-skirts.

• Kick everything you walk past.

• Snigger whenever anyone mentions a girlfriend/boyfriend or a wife/husband. Continue with telling them how much you hate the opposite sex.

• Ask who watched Top of the Pops whoever didn't, call them sad and walk away.

• Pass notes to people telling them not to tell someone else you are swapping messages.

• Ask to borrow 50 cents for a bag of kola Kubes

• Wear odd socks, all the time!!

• Always start a sentence with 'My mum says...'

• Ask someone to come for tea, if you get on, ask them for a sleepover.

• Always leave everything until the last minute, if anyone reminds you it should be done, retort with 'Why should I?'

• During a meeting yawn loudly, and watch smugly as everyone around you begins to yawn.

• Learn a new joke everyday, make sure they come from the same source such as the back of a crisp bag.

• Ask someone to crash you a cigarette. Then ask if someone can buy you a pack of ten.

• Every so often, in a group, suddenly point in any direction. Laugh yourself silly when everyone else looks.

• Ask for the first aid box as you have been etching the name of your true in your arm with a compass.

• Insist on an ambulance for treatment for lead poisoning as you have been stabbing yourself with a pencil.

• Ask colleagues if they are still a virgn.

• Run one lap around the office at top speed.

• Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time).

• Ignore the first five people who say "good morning" to you.

• Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say,"Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

• To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

• When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmm, that feels sooooooo good!"

• Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".

• Walk sideways to the photocopier.

• While riding in the lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

• Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.

• Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."
• Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

• Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).

• Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

• At the end of a meeting suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

• Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing frustration, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

• For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".

• Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two."

• After every sentence say "mon" in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

• While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.

• In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"

• At lunchtime get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."

• In a colleague's diary write in: "10 am - See how I look in tights".

• Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "You wanna trade?"

• Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that? "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

• Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why say, "I can't talk about it."

• Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

• Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig etc) during a very important conference call.

• Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

• Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

• Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.

• During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.

• Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

And if that wasn't enough for you . . .

• At lunchtime sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

• Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

• Every time someone asks you to do something, ask, "Do you want fries with that?"

• Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN- TRAY".

• Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine additions, switch to espresso.

• In the subject field for all your e-mails, write "FOR S** FAVOURS".

• Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

• Dont use any punctuation

• As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

• Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

• Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

• Sing along at the opera.

• Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

• Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

• Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

• Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

• When the money comes out of the ATM, scream, "I won! I Won! Third time this Week!!!"

• When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling,"Run for your lives, they're loose!"

• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave alone.

• It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

• Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

• No one is listening until you fart.

• Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

• Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

• If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

• Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

• Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

• Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

• A closed mouth gathers no foot.

• Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

• There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

• Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

• Never miss a good chance to shut up.

• We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our butt ... then things get worse.

• The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

• Babies are born without kneecaps.  They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

• Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only about 10.

• February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

• If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

• In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

• Leonardo DiVinci invented scissors.

• Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.

• 'Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand, 'lollipop' with your right.

• The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel it it burns.

• The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start.

• 'Typewriter' is the longest word that can be made using the letters on one row of the keyboard.

• Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

• If you are an average American, in you whole life you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

• In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch face is 10:10.

• Its impossible to lick your elbow.

• The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

• Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

• There's no Betty Rubble in Flintstones Chewables.

• There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order:  abstemious and facetious.

• There is a word in the English language with only one vowel which occurs five times:  indivisibility.

• The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only say there were three gifts.

• Crocodiles never outgrow the pool in which they live. Does that means if you put a baby croc in an aquarium, it would be little for the rest of its life?

• A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle; a group of geese in the air a skein.

• A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100 of a second.

• Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eye".

• More than 50% of people in the world have never made or received a phone call.

• Rats and horses can't vomit.

• The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language...try it!

• Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

• In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

• In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.

• Most lipstick contains fish scales.

• Like fingerprints, everyone's tongues print is different.

• THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK...

 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

 5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

 9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the f__k-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision - I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed?

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it.

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

• 20 things you don't want anyone to say when you're having an operation:

1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

2. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.

3. Come back with that. Bad dog!

4. Wait a minute, if this is the spleen, then what's that?

5. Hand me that... uh... that thingy there.

6. Where's my Rolex?

7. Oops!... Has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?

8. There go the lights.

9. You know, there's big money in kidneys. And this guy's got two of them.

10. Everybody stand back! I've lost my contact lens.

11. What's this doing here?

12. Cool! Now make his other leg twitch by pressing that one.

13. Well folks, this will be a new experience for all of us.

14. The floor's clean right?

15. This patient already has some kids, right?

16. Nurse, did this patient sign a donor card?

17. Don't worry, I'm sure it's sharp enough.

18. What do you mean 'you want a divorce'?!?!

19. Fire! Fire! Everybody out!

20. Oh no! Page 4 of the manual is missing!
 
 

• Things I've Learned From My Children (honest & no kidding)

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11. Playdoh and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool , you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably don't want to know what that smell is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
 

• THINGS TO DO AT KMART (or similiar) WHILE YOUR FRIENDS/FAMILY TAKE THEIR OWN SWEET TIME

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

5. Put some M&M's on lay by.

6. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone."

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose or scratch yourself.

10. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible.'

11. While handling knives in the kitchen department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through whisper "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. Go to the fitting room and yell real loud....."Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!"
 

THINGS MILITARY PEOPLE SAY...

• "You, you, and you: Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
• A Purple Heart just proves that you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
• A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit. - the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
• Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.
• Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.
• Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate -- the bombs always hit the ground.<
• Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
• Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
• Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
• Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
• Five second fuses only last three seconds.
• Friendly fire - isn't.
• If God had meant for us to be in the military, we would have been born with green, baggy skin.
• If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
• If the enemy is in range, so are you.
• If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
• If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
• Incoming fire has the right of way.
• It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
• Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
• Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
• Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
• Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
• Never trust a private with a loaded weapon, or an officer with a map.
• No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
• Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
• Push to test... Release to detonate.
• Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.
• Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
• The difficult we do immediately. The impossible takes a little while longer - U.S. Navy Seabees
• The easy way is always mined.
• The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.
• The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
• There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
• Those who beat their swords into plowshares will plow for those who don't.
• Tracers work both ways.
• Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
• We are not retreating, we are advancing in another direction.
• When in doubt empty the magazine.
• When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
• When you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in combat.
• Who cares if a laser guided 500 lb bomb is accurate to within 9 feet?
• Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons!