Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
 

A day without sunshine is like . . . . . night.
 

On the other hand, you have different fingers.
 

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
 

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
 

Honk if you love peace and quiet.
 

Remember, half the people you know are below average.
 

He who laughs last thinks slowest.
 

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
 

I woke-up on the wrong side of the bed this morning - underneath it.
 

I keep falling out of bed - maybe I might move it away from the ceiling.
 

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
 

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
 

Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
 

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
 

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
 

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
 

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
 

Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

I'm lost. I've gone to look for myself. If I should return before I get back please ask me to wait. (Thanx Lorraine!)

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
 

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put in your tuppence worth . . . where did the other penny come from?
 

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
 

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
 

. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
 

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
 

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
 

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
 

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
 

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
 

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
 

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
 

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
 

What hair colour do they put on the passport of bald men?
 

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam.
 

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
 

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
 

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
 

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
 

No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
 

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
 

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime artiste next door went nuts.
 

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
 

Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards is NAIVE?
 

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
 

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea... does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?
 

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
 

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
 

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
 

Why is it called AlcoholicsAnonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
 

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?
 

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
 

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
 

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?
 

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible blackened crisp no-one would eat?
 

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
 

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
 

What do people in China call their good plates?
 

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
 

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
 

Phone answering machine message "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
 

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
 

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
 

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
 

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
 

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
 

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
 

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he'scross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
 

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
 

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
 

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.”
 

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
 

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
 

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more."
 

I wish I hadn't said that...darn! I said it again! 
 

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 
 

Anyway, 42.76 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 
 

New from K-Tel - the Exploding Mother-In-Law! 
 

If they do use Dynamite, they do use dynamite. 
 

Newspaper Headline: "Ethyl the Ardvark goes QUANTITY SURVEYING" 
 

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
 

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
 

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
 

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
 

Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.
 

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
 

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
 

She's always late, in fact, her ancestors arrived on the "Juneflower."
 

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
 

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
 

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
 

Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
 

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
 

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
 

It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.
 

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
 

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
 

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
 

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
 

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.
 

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
 

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
 

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
 

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
 

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
 

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
 

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
 

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
 

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
 

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
 

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
 

"Seemingly, I must be mad - insanity is fun!" 
 

Never raise your hands to you kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
 

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
 

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
 

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
 

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
 

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac?
 

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is!
 

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
 

One out of every three Australian is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
 

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
 

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
 

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too!"
 

Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses.The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word criminal." The second was William Jefferson Clinton.

Turtles can breathe through their backsides.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

A snail can sleep for three years.

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!!

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

All polar bears are left-handed.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and unable to walk. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Awl-rite! Fess-up! Who tried to lick their elbow?!?