Junk atributed to Samuel Goldwyn:

"Why did you name your baby John? Every Tom, Dick and Hary is named John."

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."

"In two words: impossible."

"Anybody who goes to see a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."

"A Goldwyn comedy is not to be laughed at."

"We want a story that starts with an earthquake and works its way up to a climax."

"Include me out."

"They are always biting the hand that lays the golden eggs."

"If Roosevelt were alive today, he'd turn over in his grave."

Fun stuff to do when you're bored...

Eat glass

Agitate skunks

Have a turpentine skulling contest

Perform your own heart surgery

    Sit on a rose bush (if your mega-bored, you can do it without pants on)

    Hold a seance and try to reach Princess Diana

    Hold your own TV Telethon

    Smoke rats

    Put a turtle on a clay pigieon launcher and yell "Pull!"

    Countinually switch lights on and off until someone punches you

    Play Maths adventure games on your computer

    Do a 4 piece jigsaw

    Listen to rap music

    Eat a whole packet of Saladas and then try and whistle

    Have a diving contest in a yet unfilled pool

    Teach lepers to play "Tug-o-war"

    Use cats for finding yet un-detonated mines in Vietnam

    Take up tapestry making as a hobby

    Shoot nerds

    Have car eating contests

    Light your pants on fire

    Play bobbing for pirhana

    Chew on electrical cables until your house is blacked out

    Have a football kicking contest with a deflated ball

    Dynamite ant hills

    Annoy a bear

    Assassinate hampsters

    Lick glaciers

    Paint ducks fluro pink to make it easier for duck hunters

    Hold a riot at your local football stadium

    Declare mob-rule for a year in your city

    Squirt your parliment member with chocolate sauce

    Put your hand in a blender when its moving

    Irritate a tiger

    Play Russian Roulette, with a fully loaded gun or automatic pistol

    Kick a bus wearing rubber thongs

    Attach yourself to a train door, from the outside

    Run for parliment - run hard and fast!

    See a John Grisham movie

    Read a John Grisham book

    Eat a whole pig

    See how far you can bend a ferret

    Get a bull-ant and put in your underpants

    Throw an emu off the top of a building to see if it can fly

    Create a new race of lemming

    Have a bowling contest with Saddam Husein

    Use cane toads for golf practice - "Four!"

    Take up residence on the San Andreas fault

    Adopt a baboon

    Contract a deadly disease

    Eat light-bulbs

    Headbutt solid objects

    Take a walk in St Kilda at around 7 o'clock

    Sniff glue, lighter fluid and fuel in one go to get an extra buzz

    Wear dark glasses at night

    Send yourself bomb threats and hate mail

    Kiss a dog

    Amuse people by walking on glass

    Tape commercials

    Watch channel 9

    Read about the history of macaroni

    Fake UFO sightings and pictures

    Color self Tiger colors and sit in the member Collingwood stand

    Put your tea in the microwave for twenty minutes, then skull it

    Pour mass amounts of salt into your mouth

    Fill a bath and then put mines in it

    Walk on bear-traps

    Eat your own vomit (woof woof!)

    Introduce folk dancing to the school bullies

    Repeat age old jokes and tickle people to make them laugh

    Use silly and overall unworkable pick-up lines on girls

    Crucify yourself

    See how many voles can be stuffed into a 2 litre container

    Become a member of the Polka music lovers society

    Skull tobasco sauce

    Go to a historical building

    Chew slowly on electric eels

    Feed animals at the zoo

    Snap bras

    See how it feels to have Tourette syndrome

    Grow your own cocanie

    Go deer hunting with paintballs

    Curse uncontrollably

    Create your own deity

    Watch all of "Gone with the wind"

    Sing tunes from "Pirates of Penzance"

    Eat all of your pumpkin soup

    Write about stupid things to do when your bored

    Skid down a ashphalt road with your bare ass

    Talk to imaginary friends

    Grow a hotdog tree

    Eat really spicy food, extra fast

    Use a cheese grater to trim your toenails

    Become a streaker as a full time job

    Waste paper

    Adopt a pet rock

    Talk to yourself

    Jump in front of a car

    Walk around in a velcro suit, and stick to stuff

    Busk for fruit

    Go for a walk

    Play lawn bowls

    Waste money (a favourite...)

    Buy yourself a toupee

    Open a string factory

    Contemplate belly-button lint and its properties (Lintosophonists - beware! This is addictive!)

    Scoff food as an excuse to get that special deal at Jenny Craig

    Go mosquito hunting

    Run through the wetlands in a duck suit, quacking, for a thrill

    Create your own action movie "Rumble in the Bowels"

    Invent the stylish new doona suit (its a good idea!)

    Buy clothes that don't fit

    Attack terrorists with pillows

    Wear something that makes a statement, like "I'm an idiot!"

    Start a mexican wave in an empty stadium

    Build a sand castle in a hurricane

    Watch the home shopping network

    Smell your own armpits & feet

    Watch "Australia's Funniest Personal Injury"

    Sit on people's laps (another favorite)

    Spel things fonetikly OR spell things phonetically

    Swim in a polluted river

    Rent "The golden age of collonic irrigation"

    Hit yourself with a fry-pan

    Create your own Hercules spin-off

    Try to make any sense out of Melrose Place

    Chloroform yourself with your socks

    Flush toilets continually

    Start a rock collection

    Grow your own shoes

    Put parking meters in your neighbours driveway

    Eat huge amounts of ice-cream, to get a great headache

    Teach worms the basics of pole-vaulting

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the blo*ody thing in the first place, you fat bast*ards.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it before jumping in.

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 Kon-Tiki holiday? Simply Get drunk, lie in a sand pit in your garden and sh*ag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

Blokes. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an Ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.

I'm a little obsessive about grammar. I always thought that rock band should be called The Whom.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

How can the weather be "hot as hell" one day and "cold as hell" another?

If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbit's foot?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

Would a part-time bandleader be considered a semi-conductor?

Can someone be a closet claustrophobic?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

How do you know when you're out of invisible ink?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it homeless or naked?

If you ate pasta and antipasto at the same time, would you still be hungry?

If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn't they call you first?

If it only takes one dollar a day to feed a child in Africa, why does it take two dollars a day to lose weight
 with Jenny Craig?

Are there cemetery workers that don't work the graveyard shift?

How can someone "draw a blank"?

Is there another word for "synonym"?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Why is it called "after dark," when it is really "after light"?

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why do "tugboats" push?

Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women
 than motorcycle gangs?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Can an ambidextrous person make an off-handed remark?

Do bleached blondes pretend to have more fun?

Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?

Do Scottish Terriers get Scotch tapeworms?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the mornings?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

How would you throw away a garbage can?

If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

If a person thinks marathons are superior to sprints, is that racism?

If vampires can't see their own reflections, how is it that their hair is always so neat?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Should a mute be yelled at for talking with their hands full?

Should crematoriums give a discount to burn victims?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

When you choke a Smurf, what colour does it turn?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why don't they call moustaches "mouthbrows"?

Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up a project, I end it?

Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?

Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window.

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

EVER WONDER ...  ?

...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

...why doctors call what they do "practice"?

...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows?

...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?