| 17 Nov 2000 I'm probably overdoing it, but I'm cleaning house like a mad woman. Nathan will just come home and get prints from his dirty boots on my newly waxed floor, throw stinky laundry in the laundry room (that has never been emptly till now), eat and leave dirty dishes again. Not that he doesn't do a good job of cleaning up after himself, but you have to understand how hard it will be to see it all happen after all the backbreaking work I've been doing to keep it this way with Celia around. She is one messy kid. I'm hoping to have a room at the Navy Lodge in Yokosuka on Sunday night so I won't have to wake up at 5am Monday morning to make the drive down there. If I do, I won't be making a journal entry. Boo hoo. I think people stopped reading after the vacation I took from the computer. Celia has to be hating my guts to keep her inside while I gripe and clean all day. If she brings one toy out of the room, I've got one eye on it at all times. If she starts to leave it there I start barking at her to put it back. Not on the floor - where she got it from! "No, that's not where you got it from, put it where it belongs!" Yes, now I know she hates me. I'd hate me too. |
| 2 Sept 2002 It's amazing, the things that can change in a span of only two years. Nathan and I separated in August 2001. Me moving out of the house was like being 18 all over again and starting with nothing, because that is exactly what I left with. I stumbled across this corny website of mine a couple of nights ago. I read my journal and was a little shocked. I should have seen this coming, but I never did. How did I live like that? But it's amazing how many women can do that and be totally happy with it. I just realized I couldn't. I've been in and out of jobs since I moved and I have yet to know what if feels like to be able to pay all of my bills without worry, or without compromising something as important as grocery shopping. My girls are happy and doing very well with their father. Celia is in Kindergarten now. She's so amazingly smart. Mara is speaking in full sentences (when she feels like talking, anyway). They are both very close to each other and very affectionate to everyone else around them. I am asked a lot why the girls aren't with me now. I don't feel like I need to explain myself to people who don't know me. Nathan and I talked it over and we both made the right decision for the time being. Dating? I did try it. I guess I shouldn't say that I don't now. All I've ever really gotten out of it was disappointment. Not that it was ever horrible; I just expect too much. I really can't figure out if that's a good or a bad thing yet. I do know that it's far from what I used to be. There are good men out there, sure. They are just unavailable to me. I now live about an hour and a half from my girls. I work as a waitress at ungodly hours of the night and almost cringe when stepping out into the sun in the afternoon. I know if I see more than a few of hours of daylight, I am not getting enough sleep. I am looking at, and have interviewed for another job though. I have to pass security clearance, which will take weeks to finish. So in the meantime I have to put up with 10 hour nights in 3 inch heels. And for you people who run your waitress ragged and give her 15% or even nothing at all, and you know who you are, YOU SUCK. There are so many times that I have wanted to take your two dollars and rip it up in your face, but I can't because I need it so bad. Today is Labor Day. I don't have to work. Isn't that funny? That never made sense to me. I may stick around the apartment with my roommate eating junk and watching movies. There is also a lot of studying I need to catch up on. I am trying to get my paralegal certificate by next month and I am way behind. Am I actually going to keep up with this journal this time? We'll see. |
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