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tori amos - northern lad (from the choirgirl hotel)
Well today was quite a bit better than yesterday. Even though Celia woke up crying twice last night, I still had the energy to get up a little earlier to get the girls out of the house. It was 10 o'clock when I finally had to wake up Mara. I don't know what the deal was with that. I guess she just felt like sleeping in. Yes, ain't I lucky. Anyway, I took them out to buy a couple of books for Celia (I couldn't stand the thought of having to read another one of her books over and over). We had a little lunch at the food court. Celia didn't eat much, as usual, but this time because a Japanese guy sitting next to us decided to entertain her with funny faces the whole time. Got some stuff to dye my hair, which is way overdue, and came home and just crashed. That getting up a little earlier was really dragging me around. Got quite a long email from Nathan, which is unusual, since he never had time to write one that long before. But now that he's QA, he does paperwork instead of maintainence, so he gets to sit around a little more, which I think is well deserved. Because we are getting our orders to Pax, I am allowed to go as early as six months before we are supposed to leave here, which means January. It is so tempting, and I really don't want anything more than to go home, except I don't want to leave Nathan here for six months. I think I'd rather stay a little longer. Besides, his daughters are so young, and I want them to see their Daddy as much as possible. He told me to think about it, but I told him a long time ago that he was my family, and I would never leave him.
It keeps raining here, dangit! Nathan asked me to buy him a couple things: aspirin, a coffee cup and candy. Thing is, every one of those things is sold at a different store - how dumb! So I ventured out today with the girls, knowing we would be rained on, and I managed to check the mail and get a coffee cup before it got too difficult to keep dry. In the process I bought Mara a toy to stick on her stroller and I got Celia the cutest little vanity case. It has lip gloss, a working hair dryer, hair do-dads. She reapplied the lip gloss so much, it turned out to be red lipstick. ew. Not cute. I turned my back a few minutes and she managed to draw circles and lines all over her legs with it. I think she does it on purpose because she said, "Okay, Mom, take a bath now!" Fun. Anyhow, other than that, it's been a pretty slow day, what else is new. Well, if it wouldn't rain so much! Still haven't found time to dye my hair, my roots are horrible! Hopefully this deployment of Nathan's will only be two months as scheduled, but supposedly the Kitty Hawk is America's only forward deployed carrier, so you never really know for sure. There have been some rumors otherwise, but for now they are only RUMORS, and there is always one going around when the boat leaves. It is only guaranteed that they won't be out longer than 6 months. I did that 6 month thing last year and boy it was hard! Navy wives know what I mean, especially when you know they'll have to do it again!
Ok, when it's supposed to rain, it doesn't. Yay, I knew I still had to get out and finish getting that stuff for Nathan. I just could not get myself ready. Finally, after lunch, I was ready to drag myself out again. I got the stuff he needed and went to have it boxed. Since it was going to be a half hour I took Celia to get some ice cream. We shared a banana split. When she finally figured out there was a banana in there, she was all into it. A cleaning lady walked by and recognized Celia. She says to her, "Oh, you don't finish your lunch, but you get ice cream!" Ok, I had a feeling that was a personal rip on my parenting. First of all, we ate lunch at home. Second it's none of her beeswax. But I just shrugged it off. Please, give me a break. There are too many "perfect parents" walking around here. I went to the post office to send Nathan's box and there was this horrible violent movie playing on the tv in there. You think they'd watch what they're playing when kids are around. Complain, complain. I got a baby carrier in the mail that I ordered. I tried it out with Mara in it and she seemed to like it, so it stays. I'm assuming Nathan isn't reading this! The weather tonight was perfect, so I went out to the balcony and sat for a while, I think I'm heading out there again.
I got another email from Nathan today about his orders to Maryland. As soon as he gets the orders I'm allowed to move with the girls. The more he brings it up, the more I want to. I'm just worried that somehow I might regret leaving so soon. He should get the orders within a week. That's the only thing I've been able to think about these past couple of days. If I go now, I'll have my family to help me out a little and I may be able to start working again. But Nathan will still be here. I don't really have close friends here, just people I talk to every once in a while. It's hard to keep friends when you have two small kids. Staying at home with the kids is great most of the time, but I never have time to do things for myself. Also, the holidays are coming up. What if I end up spending them here alone? Celia's birthday is on the tenth of this month. I can't even do much for her. It'll be another night with just the three of us again, nothing new besides a cake. That really makes me feel pretty horrible. On one hand, I want to take her where she can be around family all the time, but on the other hand, I don't want to keep her from the few hours a day that she might be able to spend with her dad. This is going to be something that keeps me awake at night. Hopefully I'll be able to make a definite plan soon. Any advice anyone can give me would definitely be helpful!
I ran into my neighbor at the post office today and she came over for a little while tonight. I'll probably be taking the girls to playgroup with her on Thursday mornings, to give them a little interraction with other kids. I haven't heard from Nathan, I'm assuming they're keeping him busy lately. I still am nowhere near making a decision on the move just yet. I almost think about it too much, maybe that's my problem. I really wish I knew what Nathan's feelings about all this were. He wants me to decide what I want, but I want what's best for all of us, including him. I'm sure my family wants me to go early, but I'm not being pushed from either side. I hate when big decisions like this are left up to me. Sometimes just being told what to do is so much easier! Well, my day was slow as usual, so I won't drag this entry on.
tori amos - crucify (little earthquakes)
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