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I've been seeing my ex girlfriend for about 4 months now. At the beginning, we kind of agreed to just be friends, and if things happened they happen. Over the 4 months, that just escalated. The other day when I noticed that she was getting really attached to me so I brought it up and we talked about it. She denied falling for me again, but I can tell she is. I don't know where I want this to go, but I don't want her to get too attached and get hurt. How do I tell her this is getting too serious for the time being? I mean, I don't want to stop seeing her, I just don't want this to escalate any further until I'm ready.
Stressed in Michigan
Dear Stressed in Michigan,
There are a million ways to approach this and I can't say this is the best one. I see that you basically want a script for this conversation so that's what I'll give you.
First, make sure it is a good time, meaning she's at home and she's not about to go somewhere and her grandma didn't just die (but I'm sure you know that already). A lot of people like face to face communication but I'm a supporter of the phone because if she cries she doesn't have to have you watch her. Also you guys can let each other go, which can be a more comfortable situation than you two sitting there after the conversation thinking "now what? Should I leave? What should i say when I leave?" Anyway, so you're on the phone, and you start off by saying: "I need to talk to you about something." She'll say something brief like "okay." You: "Remember when we kind of agreed that we would just be friends?" She says "Yes." You: "Lately it seems that we haven't been sticking to that agreement. It sucks, but I really need us to stick to it, or at least keep things really casual because I'm just not ready for anything serious and I have a feeling that that's where its going. I love spending time with you and I'd still like to date you but I don't know if you can do this or not, because if you become really attached to me in a serious way and I'm not like that, then you might resent me and then our friendship would suffer. But if you think you can do this, that would be great, because like I said, I love spending time with you. What do you think?"
My guy friends are ignoring and avoiding me because I think they assume I want them. But that is not the case. How can I get my guy buds back?
Bummed in Michigan
Dear Bummed in Michigan,
I think the best way to reverse their thinking is when you have a chance to talk to them, ask them about their love life in a very guy-type of way, like "Did you get a little action at that party last night?" Then volunteer your own standing on your love life (make up someone if you have to). You could also say something like, "I heard you and that red-headed girl got together - she's very pretty." This should let them know you're not interested. Most people won't ask people questions about their love life if they want the other person - too painful to hear. And most people would not support the pursuit of others if they want that person.