SLENN glances over her book and stares for about the fiftieth time at the younger student just a table away from her. Both Snape's 6th year potion class and McGonnagall's 4th Transfiguration class were in the Great Hall, researching, studying etc. However, Slenn is not paying attention. One table away from her sits a girl with limp black hair and wide, very unattractive glasses. Slenn feels pity for her a gives a sigh, thinking how she could make this girl much more attractive. Suddenly, said girl gets up and asks to go to the bathroom. As she is leaving the Great Hall, Slenn gets an idea and after hastily asking permission, follows her. Slenn lurks by the sink, awaiting the other girl to come out.

SLENN
What's your name?

VARELLA
M-me? I'm Varella...

SLENN
Well Varella...since you look pitiful, I've decided to make you my new project.

VARELLA
You really don't have to do that...

SLENN
I know...that's what makes me so nice...
WHENEVER I SEE SOMEONE
LESS FORTUNATE THAN I
And let's face it-who isn't
Less fortunate than I?
MY TENDER HEART
TENDS TO START TO BLEED

AND WHEN SOMEONE NEEDS A MAKEOVER
I SIMPLY HAVE TO TAKE OVER
I KNOW I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY NEED
AND EVEN IN YOUR CASE
THO' IT'S THE TOUGHEST CASE I'VE YET TO FACE
DON'T WORRY-I'M DETERMINED TO SUCCEED
FOLLOW MY LEAD
AND YES INDEED
YOU WILL BE:

POPULAR!
YOU'RE GONNA BE POPULAR!
I'LL TEACH YOU THE PROPER POISE
WHEN YOU TALK TO BOYS
LITTLE WAYS TO FLIRT AND FLOUNCE
Oooh!
I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT SHOES TO WEAR
HOW TO FIX YOUR HAIR
EVERYTHING THAT REALLY COUNTS

At this point, SLENN is now furtively working on VARELLA, her tongue hanging out of her mouth and her brow furrowed in concentration. VARELLA, who still seems in shock, simply sits there with her eyes and mouth tightly shut.

TO BE POPULAR
I'LL HELP YOU BE POPULAR!
YOU'LL MAKE BRAND NEW FRIENDS
AND WEAR CONTACT LENSE!
AND THERE'S SLANG YOU'VE GOT TO KNOW
SO LET'S START
'CAUSE YOU'VE GOT AN AWFULLY LONG WAY TO GO!

DON'T BE OFFENDED BY MY FRANK ANALYSIS
THINK OF IT AS PERSONALITY DIALYSIS
NOW THAT'S I'VE CHOSEN TO BECOME A PAL
A SISTER AND ADVISER
THERE'S NOBODY WISER
NOT WHEN IT COMES TO POPULAR

I KNOW ABOUT POPULAR
AND WITH AN ASSISST FROM ME
TO BE WHO YOU'LL BE
INSTEAD OF DREARY WHO YOU WERE -
WELL ARE
THERE'S NOTHING THAT CAN STOP YOU
FROM BECOMING POPU-
:LER:...:LAR!:

LA LA LA LA
WE'RE GONNA MAKE YOU
POPULAR!

WHEN I SEE DEPRESSING CREATURES
WITH UNPREPOSSESSING FEATURES
I REMIND THEM ON THEIR OWN BEHALF
TO THINK OF
CELEBRATED MINISTERS
OR 'SPECIALLY GREAT SCHOOL HEADMASTERS
DID THEY HAVE BRAINS OR KNOWLEDGE?
DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH!

THEY WERE POPULAR!
PLEASE! IT'S ALL ABOUT POPULAR!
IT'S NOT ABOUT APTITUDE
IT'S THE WAY YOU'RE VIEWED
SO IT'S VERY SHREWD TO BE
VERY VERY POPULAR
LIKE ME!

SLENN spins VARELLA around and shoves a mirror in her face

SLENN
(gushing) Why, Varella...look at you. You're beautiful!

VARELLA stares at her make-up-ed face, shocked. She must admit, she does look good, but she is still too surprised to say anything.

VARELLA
Um...I have to go...

SLENN begins to head out the door, calling back over her shoulder.

SLENN
You're welcome!

She heads out into the hallway, leaning against the wall, and singing.

AND THOUGH YOU PROTEST
YOUR DISINTEREST
I KNOW CLANDESTINELY
YOU'RE GONNA GRIN AND BEAR IT
YOU'RE NEWFOUND POPULARITY!
LA LA LA LA
YOU'LL BE POPULAR
JUST NOT QUITE AS POPULAR
AS ME!

VARELLA heads back to the Great Hall, still in utter shock. She wonders if anybody will notice, though...she did like the way she looked...