Mom's Journal

"Babies are bits of star-dust
blown from the hand of God.
Lucky the woman who knows the pangs of birth,
for she has held a star."

- Larry Barretto,
The Indiscreet Years

December 6-

This morning I woke up, in the hospital, forever changed. The profound feeling of sadness has begin to set in. I look outside and it is raining---fitting because that is what is going on in my soul. I wait for the Chaplain-I don�t know why---I just feel an incredible need to �connect� with God, not that I blame him, but I just want to know he is there. After this I will go home. First we must stop at Decedent affairs---I get to the door of the office, point to the name we are supposed to go, I can�t get the words out of my mouth, and then I realize the office is right next to the birth certificate clerk----THIS is where we should be going in a few more months, NOT the Decedent office. We get through that and then we are on our way. As we leave the hospital---the sun hits my face, and the tears start streaming. We came in here Tuesday, full of excitement and hope and we leave two days later, full of grief and anguish. Not hopeless though. Someday, the hope will be strong again.

After we get settled in at home, I feel lost. Everything looks the same in the house, but everything is not the same. Everything is different now. I am different. I feel like I want to hide---the mail comes and I don�t want to go out to get it---I don�t want people to see me. It�s like the world is going on, but right now without me and I am very aware of this.

Kevin goes to pick up Eden and Jordan from school---and I decided to make the call to the mortuary. My biggest fear is that the hospital will �forget� that we wanted Gabriel and toss him away. Even though they assured me that it was noted that we were making arrangements, there was still that horrible �what if� feeling. I decided now was a good of a time as ever to call the mortuary. After the warm voice picked up, I just lost it---I couldn�t stop crying. I managed to make the appointment and hung up. When Kevin and I went there---I was OK. We were led to a cozy room that had shelves of urns in the corner---some were gorgeous. When the directors came in we began the paperwork. They asked if we wanted the obituary in the paper----our first thought was no. But then, we changed our mind---yes, we did. Yes, our son did live, if only in me, and yes he did die and he deserved the recognition. It was this point that I vowed that we would do everything we could to remember him, because he was our son, he was loved so deeply, and he did exist. Years down the road, the only regret I ever want to have is that he is not physically with us today---I never want to say, I wish I would have done more for him. We picked out an urn, silver with white �doves� etched on it along with blue wave like things. It is so small, but the director told us the �cremains� would be a very small amount also. The director was nice---very patient with us and very informative on �how� everything was done.

We got a beautiful tropical flower arrangement from Kevin�s office today----and what they say is true---flowers do lift the spirit, even in times that the skies are so gloomy and dark. And��in the mail I got a box from a friend of mine that moved back to the mainland (Montana)�..she sent us a buffalo---a POOPIN� BUFFALO�.you put m&m�s in him, lift up his head and the m&m�s Poop out his rear��.Talk about busting a gut laughing��.and talk about impeccable timing. On a day that had so much heartbreak and hurt��..I laughed. So, even though life was not too great right now�..it is still life, and there is still promise and laughter and HOPE.

I also called mom today----I broke down after I had gotten off the phone with the mortuary----actually I had a major panic attack----it seems like this is the norm right now. I shake and get totally �out of it��..it really sucks. But as always, hearing mom is a quick calm. I don�t know why, but I blurted, �We NEED you to acknowledge Gabriel. Acknowledge that he was our child, please!��.I cried�.I felt so selfish at first, but then I realized�.this is not something that people are naturally �equipped� to deal with. I would not have known what to do before I actually went through this. Now I know----send a card, send flowers, acknowledge the life and the loss. If the person doesn�t want that I am sure they will let you know, but more often than not people need to know you are there, you care and you know you are hurt. She was planning on sending us flowers�.and she did, which they were beautiful. But by telling her what I needed, what we needed, she knew---and for both of us that is important. That is how we are----that is why we are so close---because we both know we can call and say, �I need you� and the other will be there.

Tonight we shared the memory box and ultrasound pictures with the kids. Eden and Jordan cried---and we told them that is okay. It is okay to feel sad, it is okay to miss Gabriel, and it is definitely okay to talk about him. This was really hard---on us and on them. We also gave each child an angel bear that the hospital had given us to give them �from� Gabriel. This gave them something to hold, something physical to pour their love for Gabriel into.

December 7-Pearl Harbor Day

This morning was horrible----it is the whole realization that Gabriel is no longer growing inside of me. I finally looked in the mirror (I couldn�t do this yesterday or Wednesday)---I look at myself and right now I am empty. I know these feelings will someday lessen, but right now they consume me. My back is sore----more so than I ever remember after childbirth. Maybe from the epidural being in so long. I am weak and tired, but I can�t sleep. And I am freezing. Some of this is hormones---my body is going through a major shift. Some is from the amount of blood I lost----and a huge part is grief. All of these---not to be fixed quickly. They say time heals, and now this is the ultimate test. I keep reading over my discharge papers----each time I cry, but each time it becomes more real. Obviously I know what happened, but it is taking time for me to accept it.

Today the first obituary is in the paper----I looked on line and my heart just sank. Again---yes I know it happened, BUT when you see the visual reminders, in black and white per se, it begins to become real. It begins to set in. But I am thankful we did this---I have something more of Gabriel�s life and existence to get me through those times that are to come when I know I will need the reminders.

Tonight I post for the first time on a bulletin board-the babycenter one. I never thought I would do this---but I just needed to share my story.

December 8- The other paper has Gabriel�s obituary in it----I am okay this time. The first one has prepared me---and now I am just thankful that we have these. I am going to save one whole paper and cut another our for a keepsake.

Today I got an email from my post---I was so excited-a weird feeling, but everything is weird right now.

December 9-

Today we are going to the North Shore to watch crabs----a totally mindless activity, but something that we have always enjoyed. A friend and his wife from Kevin�s work are coming to watch the kids. We grabbed a box of Kleenex, a camera, and headed off. We went the end of the island and plopped down on the beach. The crab races began----they are little sand crabs, but they are such a metaphor for life---it is the little things that make life special. Of course the big things matter too, but if you don�t take the time to enjoy the little things then you are cheating yourself. I haven�t taken much time to do this lately----and I feel the effects. It is nice here---we can talk about the birth, the time before that, and then the future. There is so much that I don�t remember right now---my mind is pacing me I guess. But as we talk, I get a better feel of what happened---stuff that I was too consumed to notice. Oh---and I didn�t need the Kleenex!!!

After we leave the beach we stopped by the store to pick up some things for Christmas. This is the first year I am not �done� with all the shopping by the end of Nov. I am not even the least bit started this year and now this. We pick up some things to mail to the mainland and a few things for the kids. Then we end up in the card/ornament department. Kevin is looking at an ornament, a �Baby�s first Christmas� ornament---it is a porcelain one that opens and has a tiny frame to hang a picture in it. It is perfect for Gabriel---and in the frame we will put his handprint. We pick it up. This is a special moment---together we are gathering things for our angel---and it feels right.

December 10

Kevin�s first day back to work---and I am alone. I now know what anxiety/panic attacks feel like---because when I came down, looked around it happened. I lost my breath, my heart was pounding in my chest, and I was walking around in a stupor. I couldn�t focus, I just kept pacing. So, what do I do�.I go on line�.I hammered out a frantic email to Shell��.and then started �surfing� the boards and sites. I figured if I can get my mind on something else, I will be allright. Shell emails me right back----in it was a calm and gentle reassurance�..that was what I needed. After I got myself back----I felt stupid---how could loose control over myself---why did that happen----why? To say the least, not being able to control my feelings is by far one of the hardest things to accept. Echoes of words from Debbie (my angel nurse) and Shell fill me----you have to accept your feelings and go with them. Then you CHOOSE how you want to go on. Choice----that will become a pivotal concept.

December 11

Decedent affairs calls today----Did we know that Gabriel is still up at the hospital and they haven�t done any tissue samples yet? Did we want them to order them still or just release him? --- Talk about making my blood boil----my baby is still sitting up there because someone didn�t put in the order to take samples and because of that he hasn�t been released to the mortuary. UGH!! Just PLEASE get a doctor to sign the discharge papers so we can have our baby home with us. I just cried----I was hurt, angry, and sad---there he was alone, cold, and waiting. I know it sounds stupid---but to me it was so real. The wait to have him �home� with us is horrible.

After I calm down and think about things I realize that they most likely couldn�t have gotten viable cells to culture from him anyway. The amnio is our best hope. And they weren�t going to do an autopsy because his gestational age was too young, and the �gross anatomy� visual-we already did---he was perfect�everything was there and nothing was �visually� odd, so they would have not found anything anyway. Just drop it and go on�.and we should have him home in the next few days.

Our OB �Jen� calls---she is the best!! I left a message earlier-I couldn�t wait until Friday to find out if any labs came back. They had----all of the blood work, placental tests, cord tests-----normal!!! NORMAL????!! Nothing!! On one hand I am grateful-that means there is nothing wrong with me, I didn�t have an infection, I don�t have a clotting problem, etc�..the placenta didn�t have an infection and he had a three vessel cord��..so why am I so upset. WHY??? I am upset---BECAUSE there was nothing wrong. For something that didn�t make sense before, not it makes even less sense. Now we must wait for the amnio results, but in my heart I know those are most likely fine too. So not that it would have made it easier to find out something was detected, but it wouldn�t have made it harder. I now have to find the strength to accept that it was a fluke of nature---that there was no reason and it most likely will never happen again.

Tonight I started on a memory album. We bought a gold etched photo album on Sunday---on our outing. I get out Gabriel�s memory box the hospital gave us---it has the print in it, a card, a �Certificate of Birth�, some bows, confetti---baby kind. I dig out the home pregnancy test keepsakes-and make prints of the digital pictures we took. I raid the kids construction paper---I get out all of the purple. Purple is the color of my memory box, the bows and other �grief� stuff. I used to hate purple, but now it has special meaning to me. I begin my project. This little album is beautiful---I can keep adding---to it�.poems, cards, whatever I can find.

December 12---One week

An eternity already---but we are still here and Gabriel is still �there��.and that is reality. I miss him---I miss him fluttering in me, a feeling I felt for the first time 8 days before we said good-bye. But I am eternally grateful that he said �Hi mom, I�m here��.I will always cherish those first and last flutters.

Day after day is the same---but with each day, I get a little bit stronger. I still can�t sleep, can�t eat without gagging (this is driving Kevin crazy), and just feel like crying all the time��.but I am trying to work mind over matter---and make myself sleep, make myself eat, and try and �schedule� my cry times. The last one is tricky---and sometimes my emotions get the best of me, but I am doing better. I must go on, I must find some sort of balance to achieve. I need to function because I am still mommy to Eden, Jordan, Joshua and Tyler---I need to take care of them. So, this is what forces me to get up in the morning, to get dressed, to get out of the house to pick them up----all of these things I don�t know if I would have found the drive for if it weren�t for them. Kevin is finishing up winter term and working on top of that----but if I asked I know he would be here in an instant�.but I don�t ask---I need to get up again and start living life. I still won�t go to the store or �out in public�---I don�t want to be seen-I don�t want to face the world quite yet. I�m not ready.

I have been emailing back and forth with �Shell� my internet bud----she is a great source of strength for me. She is a month ahead in this roller coaster and gives me the courage to keep moving along�..I will be OK. She helps me realize that I am not looney---well not totally-haha!----but I am grieving and that does some pretty wacky stuff to the body. :o)

December 14---

Today is the �DAY�---to go and see �Jen�, for my one week follow up appointment. I am beyond freaked out---please don�t let me break down. Kevin goes with me---of course :o). We get to the hospital (the clinics are there too), and I have to go in a �different door� and up a �different elevator� and down �different hallways��..until�I reach the hallway to OB/GYN----my heart sinks. This is it. I check in---no problems. I sit and wait for my name to get vitals----I can feel the anxiety, I can feel the tears-but I am not going to let go yet. I get vitals and then go to the bathroom----the same bathroom where I should be doing that urine dipstick thing---I SHOULD be pregnant still---I should be here under different circumstances---BUT I am NOT! And that is what is real. I sit in the stall and weep---I am only in there for a few minutes, but it feels like forever. I wash my hands and face and go back to join Kevin. There is a baby in front of us-----a baby with the most hair I have ever seen in my life---and it is a small, just born baby---so that makes it funnier. We are able to giggle----I am OK now. We get called back and see Jen---in the same office that we saw her all through Tyler�s pregnancy and should have seen her through all of this pregnancy�.but today---this is the end of �this� pregnancy. I thought I was going to have to have �the exam��.but we are here just to talk. We brought the memory album---and shared it with her�it was so nice to be able to do this. She then gave me copies of my labs(amnio not complete yet)�..because she knows I will want to �research� everything---she knows us all too well. I look at my crits----they got WAY low---now this explains some of the physical problems I have had and why I look like a ghost. We then just talked about when we can try again (yes, we do intend to!) and all that good stuff. And I pulled out my long list of questions�.was it this, was it that, was it the cold I had�even though I knew it was nothing I did I needed to hear it again. We cried, we laughed and we left----we did it. We got through yet another milestone---together and better than when we went in.

After we left the hospital we went to the mortuary to pick up Gabriel. I was apprehensive----I thought, oh gosh, I am going to definitely loose it today. We pulled up---went in�.and I�m still okay. They handed us a gold bag with gold tissue paper�.and an urn inside (the wrong urn, but they got it sorted out)�and we couldn�t wait to get to the car so we could peek inside. We got to the car---and we looked---inside was a bag with the ashes---a very tiny amount of ashes, he was only 2.7 ounces�.so that makes sense. But we had him now----back with us where he belongs. I felt a sense of peace.

December 18

Jen called again today----the amnio results are in and they are 46 XY, this in layman�s terms, normal chromosome, BOY. Okay�nothing here, and the book is closed. We now officially have no answer, no explanation, no reason. I admit I was praying this would turn up something, just so we knew. But it didn�t, and now we will never know. For me---all I know is that Gabriel is in heaven, happy, healthy, and full of life��.and my heart aches for him. Someday, I will hold my precious baby, someday I will kiss my precious baby, but for now, I can only love my precious baby. And that is going to have to be enough.

Christmas---

��_is bittersweet. In some aspects, Christmas is still Christmas---the kids wait in anticipation for the day, for Santa to come. Me---I am torn. On one hand I have to find it in me to put on a smile and enjoy the season with my four earthly kiddos, but on the other hand, my heart is longing for my heavenly angel. We still had his stocking up---I put it up in Nov when we put up the tree----it sits between mine and Kevin�s----how fitting now that I look at it. When I am filling up the stockings on Christmas eve, I notice Gabriel�s has something in it�..I didn�t get anything for the stocking, so I push on it. Kevin and I celebrate �our� Christmas after the kids are in bed and we are getting out Santa stuff��so he went ahead and let me peek in Gabriel�s stocking. Needless to say�.I lost it---I cried harder than I had cried in weeks. It all hit me again�.and the thing that got me most was how tender and loving Kevin was. He got me a starfish ornament, and on the package it said �To mommy, Love, Gabriel�---and this was because Gabriel is my �star�. I cried, and I cried�..but I am so grateful for this gift---because it made Gabriel apart of Christmas in every way. Oh�.Gabriel got some chocolate coins�.just like the rest of us�.from Daddy of course� :o)

December 28

There is not a day, and hour that goes by that I don�t think about Gabriel. To say these thoughts are consuming me is an understatement. I am scared, because I am getting to a point where the despair and sadness is greater than the hope and glimmer of happiness. I write Shell�..poor girl has novels from me in her email box�.and I write how I am feeling. Of course, once again she �rescues� me and �slaps me back into reality��..I could kick myself because now I can�t find that email she sent me----but it is etched in my brain. In a nutshell, she said I need to find a way to get past some of the pain��I need to CHOOSE how I want to be, CHOOSE my cry times (shower times where the tears and hurt can go down the drain with the water), and I have to be able to make myself OK and most important��that I will NEVER forget Gabriel---that he would want me to be happy and go on living and not keep wallowing in sorrow. (sorry, this probably wasn�t exact, but it is the idea). So, after I read that it came to me. Tomorrow is the memorial service----tomorrow I will make my �point��.that after tomorrow, I will choose life and happiness. I will be sad, I will cry, I will still grieve��but I will pick myself up and I will strive to find happiness, joy, and live life again. I will fill myself with hope---and with that hope I will have faith that the future will hold promise and good things. Yes, the past sucks! Yes, I am forever scarred and will never be the same----but I will be BETTER. I have walked a sad road, and because of this I have picked up a greater understanding about life and how fragile it is. I will be more sympathetic, more intoned to others��for I have now known a hurt so deep that my senses are forever heightened. I will have to rely on faith in God, and hope in the future---no more does everything have a reason. I have learned first hand that many things have NO reason, they happen �just because� and that is life and I must accept it and not look back. I must more forward and tomorrow I will do just that.

December 29---Gabriel�s Memorial Service

Wow---today is the day! I called around and found a florist that has three violet roses waiting for us today. I don�t know that I have ever seen a violet rose----or should I say, ever taken the time to look. (This goes on that �little� things concept----to put it literally, I have never noticed) I have Gabriel�s blanket, his urn, his teddy bear all ready to go in his gold bag. Kevin ends up having to fold the blanket and place it in the bag----Lord knows I never could bundle a baby up correctly�.why should that change now. We go to the florist to pick up the roses---and they are so beautiful. We take the drive up the hill to the hospital---it is a pretty day, sunny and clear. You can see the ocean from the hospital, and the sun is starting to go to the mountains (it is 4pm). We get to the hospital, and have to weave our way around to the chapel. We have never been to the chapel here�..and now that I think of it, we have not been in a chapel at all-we were married on the beach in Maui� :o) But that is in no way to say that we do not have faith in God or that we aren�t good people---I think I needed to justify that to myself. Father Ron takes us to the small chapel annex---off the main room. It is pretty in there---there is a beautiful Crucifix above the altar table. On the sides is a loving statue of Mary. It is so quiet in there. Father Ron asks for the urn and places it on a white cloth---and we are free to put whatever else we would like up on the altar. I put the roses up on it�.and then Kevin looks at the bear�..Do I want it up there to? Can I, I wonder? Of course---we place the beanie bear beside the roses and urn. Father Ron begins with telling us that Gabriel had already taken his journey to heaven when he was baptized-----BAPTIZED�.my heart just cried out. My precious angel WAS baptized----he was more than blessed after we had him�..he was baptized. This gave such value to his tiny life�.this gave such incredible peace to me. The service went on-the prayers, the incense, the holy water, the blessings. I was scared of this day, but now I am so calm and feel complete again. I know in my heart, our baby is indeed in Heaven��every ounce of my being has accepted that. I have reached my �point�.

We leave and as we get out into the air, everything looks so clear. The sky is so very blue, and the sun is shooting those �Jesus Rays� (those pretty rays of sun that shine down through the clouds) over the mountains. It is so breathtaking. If I remember nothing else about this day, I want to remember the rays of hope beckoning to us.

New Year�s Eve

Wow---2001 is almost over��but one thing it will never be forgotten. We are supposed to go out to celebrate with friends of ours�.but honestly I am not up for it. I am having a �hermit day�---I just want to be around Kevin. I just don�t feel up to facing the world and business as usual. So, lucky for me Josh and Tyler are up most of the night---so I stay in with them. Must be my energy keeping them up----but I guess in a way I needed to hold them. So, it was good for me. 2002 came---the ball dropped, and everything was just the same. Oh how I wish life was a fairy tail----I wish I had a magic wand to �fix� things. I so desperately wish I could bring my baby back, but I keep remembering that he is always with me, tucked inside my heart and soul.

January 2

I have an appointment up at the hospital, a Dermatology one. I go by myself---and I manage without incident---I think I have overcome the hurt feeling when I come back to the hospital---the memorial day �cured� that. After my appointment is over I have some things to pick up at the pharmacy----which is two floors below L&D. I haven�t gotten the call to pick up the pictures yet, so I wonder if maybe they are here. I wrestle with the thought of going up to L&D to check. I put it aside, pick up my meds and head to the other side of the hospital where I am parked. I get to the elevator----waaaaaayyyyy on the other side�.and WHAM!!! It hits me��I CAN go back----I know I can go up there and ask. I have that feeling that �yes, I will be ok�. So I turn around and head back to where I just came from---geez�.what an idiot I am. I giggle---okay, now I am looney, I am talking to myself. So I get to the elevator, push 6 and up I go. The door opens, and I take a deep breath and step out. It is as if I am having to tell myself to do these things. I get to the counter---I look down the hall�.I was about two hallways over, in the first room. The smell hits me, the calls over the intercom, and the visual reminders. The last time I was standing here----I was about to go and deliver my angel. UGH�.BREATHE!! I am okay. A nurse comes up and I give her my name and tell here I was wondering if she could check to see if my baby�s pictures came in. She was sweet and said she would go check. When she came back empty handed I knew, but thanked her and walked away. I got to the elevator and breathed a sigh----I conquered a demon today�.and I am fine. When I left the hospital I was proud---I was proud of myself. I took a step and even though I was scared I got through and now I am better for it.

January 5---One calendar month later�..

Okay�I have to admit----4 weeks is different from a month. I thought Jan 2 was a piece of cake---it was 4 weeks that day. But today��WOW----today hurts. I woke up anxious feeling like the world was closing in. I just wanted to cry all day. BUT�NO�.I am going to CHOOSE to cry later and talk myself through the rest of the day. I go online----as I am always lately----and just read and read and read. I go through the boards at babycenter, I write Shell, I read people webpages, I go to loss sites�.and then�.I go to the pregnancy due date thingy and mess on there. I can either dwell in things and let them overcome me or I can let my feelings flow, put them away, and go on with life. I choose the latter.

Today, I got out Gabriel�s cross stitch pattern to start on----it brought me joy to know that I was making something so special for my baby, just as I had all my other babies. A project some might of thought of as bringing the hurt back was such the opposite�.anything I have done for Gabriel has been with love and joy. From gathering keepsakes to finding the perfect memorial card---everything has brought me comfort and joy. My instinct dictates that I provide for my children�.all of them. :o) Some people look at me like I am nuts---but those are the ones that have never felt the loss of a child and do not realize that even though that child no longer walks this earth, he (or she) always lives on in the hearts and souls of those that loved him(her). Gabriel will always live with each beat of my heart.

January 9

I got a call today!!! It was a nurse named Christy from L&D. She was calling to tell me that some of my pictures had come in. But there are more and she expects them in the next few days, and then I can pick them up. I was so excited!!! I would get the long awaited pictures they took of our angel!! She asked how we were doing---big mistake�..haha�.because then I unleashed. I connected with her and just talked up a blue streak. I shared about our baby, about what we had done to remember him, about our feelings, everything and it felt sooooo good! I could share my precious son and didn�t at all feel like she thought I was weird for being so in love with him. We agreed that when I came to pick up the pictures I would meet with her and arrange to see Debbie again. I was on cloud nine at this point. This has been one of the happiest days since we lost Gabriel.

Now here�s the funny part----it was exactly 5 weeks since we lost him and I hadn�t gotten my �friend� yet�.so I asked Christy. She laughed saying that soon�.heck even maybe tonight��and do you know that she was right on the money. I am normal again----my body is working�.it isn�t failing me!! Yes�I have hope---again.

January 11

I got my ring today!!!! It is gorgeous---a small blue topaz (Dec birthstone)!! I picked it up and just cried-tears of joy. I wear it on my pointer on my left hand�..and I look at it and just smile. That�s in memory of my baby!! You know, my memories of Gabriel are pleasant and when I get something for him it brings me happiness. I can�t deal with my Pregnancy journal or parts of the pregnancy�.yet�..but time I suppose. Pregnant women don�t make me sad---they just make me stare and fill me with �wonder��..like I wonder how she is doing, I wonder where I would be right now if I still was, I wonder��.and babies---I just love babies. People are probably so sick of me staring when I see a baby---but I am just compelled. And my kiddos----I am still not their �normal� mommy---I am still more introverted than I should be, but I am still healing. I do hug them more, tell them I love them more, and just stare in wonder at them. I realize I may have taken a lot for granted, and gotten cross over things that really don�t matter��so now I have taken to weighing things��on whether or not they are earth-shattering. I mean, just because they spill something or don�t do something right the first time, I don�t need to get upset�..just deal with it and go on�..don�t sweat the small stuff. That is one thing our loss has taught me---in life, things just need to be �good enough� (a Shell word) and most times that is enough. Life is too short and too unpredictable to be overly obsessed with perfection-----those of you that really know me are laughing right now.

January 14-

Christy calls me again------ALL the pictures are in. Ohmygosh�..I can hardly contain myself. She calls me around noon and I am up there by 3 to pick them up. Can you tell I am impatient!?? I dropped Eden and Jordan off at Kevin�s work---I didn�t feel right taking them and explaining where we were and what we were there for�.so it was better this way. I got up to L&D, Christy wasn�t there at the time, so another nurse go the pictures and gave them to me. I went around the corner, down the elevator to the 4th floor and into a corner. I opened the package and looked---all I can say to describe that moment was, �OH MY GOD (sorry, I am not using the name in vain here)� . I was in utter awe---they were GORGEOUS!!! �-to me!! The care that Debbie took when she took them was so phenomenal�.I can never express to her how much they mean to me. I just kept thumbing through---yes, tears came to me, but they were more tears of happiness that I had in my hand such beautiful keepsakes of our little angel. They were much better than the digitals we took----ours were a bit shocking, but these were beautiful. I got back in the elevator, went back up to L&D and asked if Christy was still at work. They offered to page her, and normally I would have hated to be a bother, but I had to see her. She came---this was the first time we met, but I felt like I already knew her�.and of course we are women---we hugged!! We went to her office and I just kept telling her how awesome these pictures were!! We talked for a bit----and I told her I would be back on Wed or Thursday (without Tyler the terror�.haha) so I could see Debbie and bring in all my goodies to show them. I left full of excitement----full of anticipation�.and ohmygosh�I have to finish the cross stitch!!

January 15

4 am�.Gabriel�s cross stitch is finished!!! It is sooo beautiful (it�s on the picture page). I need to get a matte and frame, but I don�t think Kevin would appreciate me going to wal-mart this time of morning. So, I�ll wait.

Later this morning I gather the goodies to take to Debbie----I wanted to get some porcelain booties, and some teddy bears and misc. confetti to give to them so they can add them to other parent�s grief boxes. Unfortunately this happens too often, and I wanted to give back to those that gave to me---I know the pain these parents will feel and I also know the comfort in the contents of our memory boxes. I look through Gabriel�s quite often�..not every day anymore, but that is probably because I have a shelf dedicated to him, right in view when I am here on the computer---where I spend countless hours (Kevin will tell you). I am so ready to go see them�..one more day.

January 16

Today is the day!!! I get to go see Debbie and Christy�and I might stop by and see Jen too. First off a field trip to Sea Life Park with Joshy. As I go around the other side of the island, the sun is just peeking over the Koolau Mountains---and guess what is in the sky----yep, �Jesus Ray��.or today, Gabriel shining down to let us know he is up there. They are so pretty---and comforting.

After lunch, I drop all the kiddos off at Conny�s and head up to the hospital. I get up to L&D and they tell me to go check the nurse�s station. Amazing how different things look back there when you are upright�.and coherent. I see Christy first�.and then I see Debbie. For some reason it took me a second to register, but then everything came together�once again�.must look different when I am more �with it�. We hug and I just feel so exhilarated. I have begun another step-----going back into the place where all the heartbreak began�.and now I am facing it and reloading memories----good ones now. We walk through recovery area---I hone in on the place where I was taken after the D&C�.the last place I saw in L&D�..and I just let myself grieve�and then I am able to move on�..finished with that memory for now. We go back to Christy�s office and me, Debbie, Christy, and the anesthesiologist that was with me (sorry, I can�t remember the name), are there and I bring out my goodies. They look through the memory album and read the poems��of course they bring tears to all of our eyes�..but my tears were so cleansing�.I finally got to share my memories of my baby with those who were there (other than Kevin), and they really understood. I was so proud to share Gabriel. We talked about my visit in the hospital with them----about the birth, about the time after, about the past weeks, about the future. I can�t wait to see them all again----of course under the �perfect� circumstances. I left today with a bounce in my step, with my heart a bit lighter, and with hope, anticipation and excitement at seeing them again this year!! :o)

After I left L&D I just had to go and see Jen��we had a quick chat---I told her Kevin was getting his HOG in a few weeks�.just so it will shut him up!! (Just kidding honey) Also, showed here the cross-stitch and told her we were just about ready to try again��.she said she would prefer we wait one more cycle. UGH!! We�ll see I suppose�..

January 19

I got a tattoo today!!! My �Gabriel� tattoo. It is on my lower left leg, above my ankle area. (there is a pic on the picture page) I got the whim, and just did it��I have others, but this is my only one that is visible�.and I love it. It is so perfect, so simple, yet so profound. Mom is going to think I am nuts�..oh well!! :o)

January 20-25

Another week��.gone. Time sure flies. I looked at the calendar and did the �I would be ___ weeks today�----and then was like, now why did I do that??? Human nature I suppose----always thinking of WHAT IF? But this is good, I don�t do this weekly, so I am looking at it positively. Then I look and I say, hey�..I am starting to feel like me again---my sleep has gotten better, and for the most part I can eat�I just forget now. BAD, I know-----Kevin keeps getting on me, so I try and do better. It is funny how normal everyday things take effort when your mind is full of grief. I feel better now, but I still have times where I get the �sinking� feeling----those are the times I have to realize I cannot change the past�.I can only hope and pray for the future. Nothing will bring my precious Gabriel back��.but by the same token, nothing will ever make me forget him. I think about him every day and once again, I would have to say every hour. Something pops in my mind----just the other day I was horrified. I realized that I had never �seen� him alive!! I was devastated---I felt horrible. We heard his heartbeat at 11 and 17 weeks and then I felt his flutters right at the beginning of 17 weeks�..and 18 weeks he had left us. In the ultrasound, he was already gone----he did not move. He never took his first breath, he never got to move outside of me. The more I thought about this, the more my heart broke----all over again. I couldn�t stand it��I was trying to get through it but I couldn�t. I ended up telling Kevin (well I had no choice, I was shaking the bed so uncontrollably)�.and I felt horrible�because at least I had �felt� him�.it was still too early for Daddy to have felt the flutters. He only had the heartbeats. After many tears, and finally regaining myself, I realized that I was blessed and oh so fortunate to have felt my baby tell me goodbye�..and that was what got me through. I would give all that I have to feel him once more-----but I know that someday that I will�.and that will keep me.

I keep gathering things----just the other day at Walmart in the craft section I picked up silk violet roses�.two different kinds for Gabriel�s shelf. I also got these cute little angel rings---I just put them on the shelf---I know they are to make something but I like them the way they are. I think that as looney as people think I am, if I see something that reminds me of my angel, but God I am going to get it---even if it is 50 years down the road. He is my child, I will never abandon him.

On Thursday (the 24th) while surfing my �regulars�, I finally clicked on a link that led me to the most loving, touching webpage I have ever laid eyes on. It was Shane�s site. I got to it through Hope�s page�.and there was a link on both about �memorial sites��..two remarkable ladies that make sites for people that have lost a beloved child. I kept debating�.and then I did it�.I sent the email�and in no time I got a response from Judi. She said yes, she would make a site for Gabriel. And since we all know how I lack the ability to do basically anything on the computer but go online��..and surf�.this was monumental to me. I sent her the info----and only one picture of Gabriel at first. I am very guarded�.I guess I just was worried that others might be shocked��but after she sent me the page I saw how beautiful it was�..and how beautiful my little angel looked on the site. And then she told me how precious he was-----yes he was and is�..so I sent the rest of the pictures the hospital took. I am proud of him and to me he is perfect�..and I have no reason not to put his pictures on the site�.so she did. The site is my favorite place right now----everytime I go on line I click on Gabriel�s pages�.to have music and when I want to feel close I just click and visit. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Judi�.you have given me something so precious and I can never express how much it means to me!!

January 28

I just finished typing my journal in from the past few weeks----and as I typed I �relived� a lot of it and in someway by doing that I have gained more strength and more peace (I know I overuse this word�.but it fits). I see the road we have traveled, and �you�ve come a long way, baby� comes to mind. We have come a long way, we have been through some hellish times and yet, we are still here�and in one piece. Much of this is due to our love for each other and for the incredible support we got while in the hospital and after. I cannot thank Debbie enough for her honesty and compassion----because of her, I have never second guessed the things we have done for Gabriel. She encouraged us to name him, to hold him, to love him, and to talk about him. He is and was our precious little boy�.and just because he never got to live here physically on earth with us doesn�t in any way mean he doesn�t live----for he lives on IN us. He is in my thoughts---every hour of every day. I will admit I do long for the day when we can all be together, but I am content in enjoying my time here on earth and living my life to the fullest. I know he is waiting for us and I look forward to that. I look forward to trying to conceive again��and I know that this is in no way to replace or forget about Gabriel. Nothing could be farther from that. I do believe that Gabriel will live on in a sense in our future baby�..but in no way will that baby ever take Gabriel�s place in my heart. I plan on updating frequently.

Click on the links below to view other journal pages which will include our dual journey---grief over our loss of Gabriel and joy for our new life given to us by God and Gabriel.

These following pages are also my new found skill---making my own web pages which I have learned from Gabriel's pages and with the help of Judi, who made Gabriel's inital site. Just another small positive thing that has come out of my experiences--it is definitely funny how in retrospect I can look back and see that even though I have lost something so precious, I have also gained so much. I hope to someday help others as Judi helped me.....by making pages and just reaching out to say I care!

February & March Journal Entries
April & May & June Journal Entries
The rest of my pregnancy journal

�Hope makes things possible��not easier�

Midi Selection: Rose

Hosted by www.Geocities.ws