April & May Journal Entries
Today was my first "real" OB appointment. Today we should be able to hear the heartbeat--I am between 11-13 weeks--the variance due to early ultrasounds. I have done quite well with my anxiety about this appointment, until I awoke at 630 am. My appointment is at 8am--thank goodness. I force myself to stay in bed until a little after 7---that way I have to rush and don't have time to worry. I manage to get out the door by 20 after, drop Eden and Jordan off and head off to the hospital. Kevin had to stay home with the boys---which is a mixed blessing. As much as I want him here with me, I am starting to get very anxious and feel like I am going to spas out. I get to the parking lot and begin my trek to the OB clinic---there is a long hallway that I have to go through and with each step I take I can feel the tears welling up. I have been fine---and now all the pent up emotions are coming out---I walk faster thinking that if I can just get 'in' the door I will regain my composure. I do the pee test thing--jeez I hate that---then I check in. I sit in the clinic waiting for my turn and as I look around--it hits me---I am pregnant, I am really "one of them" now.....again. It feels weird---I am terrified--because as quick as I was one of them, in the next instant I wasn't. Not too healthy a thought---so I try to focus on guessing who is how far along. I get called back to the same room......as with Tyler and Gabriel....and I study all the familiarities. My legs are shaking horribly----I look at the developement posters--kinda weird when you can look at an illustration and put "reality" to it. I know first had what exactly and 18 week old gestation looks like--it makes me uncomfortable. Jen comes in--thank goodness before I have too long to freak myself out. She asks about things---I tell her things are going good for the most part---it's not a lie----really I and we are doing well. I still have my bad times, but that is normal. I immediately ask her if we can "see" the baby. The heartbeat will be wonderful to hear---but I need visual. Of course she is awesome and gets the portable u/s. I can't remember if we looked first or she used the doppler to hear the heartbeat---either way we heard the heartbeat--nice and clear. And the u/s was beautiful. The little punkin (my name for this kiddo) was laying there snoozing. Snoozing so hard it wasn't moving around---you could see the little flicker of the heart---but s/he was just sawing some logs. Jen kept pressing and I honestly was like "why isn't it moving"----DUHHHH....babies sleep. Eventually though--our little one decided to appease me and stretched its little legs out---like "here mom---are you happy now"....I was beaming----to see this little miracle left me speechless--especially considering 8 weeks ago---things looked bleak...then 7 weeks ago all that was there was a blob with a flicker.....and now this---a BABY with 2 arms, two long legs and BIG feet--haha....the true miracle of life. As happy as I was---I felt so sad too----to think we never saw Gabriel moving---we never saw him alive---I can not for the life of me forget that fact---I know he was there, I felt him, but seeing this little miracle just brought back the reality. But in my heart, Gabriel will always live on--and in this baby--Gabriel will live. Such a lucky little one this is--to have its very own Guardian Angel.. Before I left we discussed the MSAFP (downs' neural screen that was what brought us in with Gabriel)....and I told her I had reservations, but would do it if my dates were accurate--so she ordered and u/s up in the antepartem clinic(the beginning of my nightmares). We are due to go up next Thursday, the 18. Kevin will go with, even if I have to beg and plead someone to watch the younger two. I know I cannot handle that memory, that place on my own and I am hesitant to say I am going to do much better with Kevin there---but at least he can speak for me and explain if I have a breakdown. I do at least hope it isn't the same u/s room.
I left the clinic and got to the car and immediately called Kevin--to let him know things were great and our little one was moving and the heartbeat was strong. I so wish he was there---
I have been on cloud 9 all day---I have two adorable pictures of our little "punkin" and I can't quit staring at them. It is real....it really IS real. I email Shell and it is so bittersweet---I can't wait for her to be pregnant. She ends up calling that evening and we talk forever as we always can....and we talk about this pregnancy, about Brianna and Gabriel (our angels) and about other wacky stuff. She is really the only one I can talk to about "everything"....it becomes hard to connect sometimes after a loss--sometimes only the people that have been through it are the only ones that can truly understand and listen with an open heart. I am blessed to have found her.
Also today I ordered the doppler----we probably won't get it until Monday---but I am ecstatic!! We can not only listen in but we can also share it with the other kids--something we haven't been able to do. I wish I would have ordered it weeks ago, but I promised myself I wouldn't until I heard and got the "all clear"...:o)
All in all today was an awesome day---a really big milestone. The bigger ones are yet to come, but I am happy taking things with "baby steps"....no pun intended. The next few weeks are sneaking up on me---I will most likely be working on more webpages--trying to keep my mind occupied on things other than the many what ifs, Gabriel's upcoming due date, and then passing the 17-18 week milestone....I do hope I am able to focus more on the positive and "rainbow after the storm"....
Head is to the left and feet up in the air to the right.
April 15~~
The doppler came!!! I am like a kid with a new toy!! It took me about 15 minutes to find the little heartbeat the first time---but I didn't realize how low the baby is at this point. I swear it is about in my upper thigh....haha. But once I found it I was just in awe---that sound is so magical. The rate is about 160beats per minute. When Kevin got home from class I could hardly wait to have him listen---this was the first time he got to hear "punkin's" little beat.
April 18~~ Ultrasound day!!!
Today I got up at the very last minute in order to get ready---I find this helps by not giving me too much time to work myself into a frenzy with worry. Jane came over to watch the boys for us and Kevin and I headed up to the hospital to the infamous ADC clinc----for our "real" ultrasound. This one although only to get an accurate date---still holds very vivid memories for me---I am scared, even though I "checked" the heartbeat this morning, the memories still flood me.
When we get to the hospital the parking lot is packed---we drove around and around and finally after 20 minutes we found a space. This leaves us NO time to spare.....I walk quickly to get to the clinic but once I reach the door it is like PANIC.....I take a deep breath and check in....not so bad. Then we hear our name called---in a familar voice. It is the same tech that has done Jordan's, Joshua's,Tyler's, AND Gabriel's ultrasounds----it is the same tech that discovered that Gabriel's heart was not beating. He then leads us to the SAME room, the SAME machine....everything....I felt the tears. BUT I KNOW everything is okay....I know this baby's ticker is beating away......but still, everything, all the familiarities that used to be comforting and exiciting are now terrifying. He begins the ultrasound and immediately says "Everything looks good".......this strikes me because he said nothing at all when doing Gabriel's ultrasound. Then he turns on the sound and we hear the "thump-thump-thump".....a healthy 162 beats......a truly beautiful sound. He mushes on my belly trying to get the baby in a more favorable position to measure---and that mushing drives me insane....I remember the mushing to get Gabriel to move.....anything.....but nothing happened. I keep looking at Kevin---and he has this calming effect, he has this smile on his face one that lets me know that all is okay---and I am doing good.
The tech tilts the table back--to where I feel like I am going to slide off the table on my head, but the stubborn little baby refuses to change positions. After the tech gets his measurements, he turns the screen to me and I can now see why he was having a rough time---normally the babies lay across your stomach, measuring is apparantly easier. This little one was practically vertical---it was hilarious. All my measurements are in line with my date----by dates I am 14 weeks today, the measurements taken today are 13weeks 2 days but this is +/- 5 days, so they leave that margin for error thus leaving my dates as is. My due date stands at October 17!!! I will be scheduled for the "normal" scan at 20 weeks, where they measure everything again and look at the heart, spine, the brain etc.......and gender, although we won't peek----we'll find out soon enough. And besides all that matters to us is a healthy baby.
We walk out of there and I feel like the world has been lifted a few inches off my shoulders. Not to say I will not still worry---but at this very moment I am just basking in our miracle. I am thankful we have "rebuilt" memories, so even though the bad will never go away, at least now good is being born out of the sorrow and heartbreak.
WEEK 15 (April 25)~~
The doppler is my saving grace---I listen at least once a day and sometimes an extra time just to find a measure of comfort. This week reality is once again hitting me---sorrow is creeping back up. I am extremely grateful we have a healthy miracle growing inside of me, but at the same time, my heart is still so broken. The calendar screams out to me---you should have been 38/39 weeks, nesting, getting ready to deliver. As much as I try to block the thoughts they are there---and it tears me up. Why couldn't we have Gabriel? Why did we have to lose him---yes I know we have this baby, because we gave Gabriel to God, but WHY? I was thinking that being pregnant by Gabriel's due date would make things so much easier and although it won't make things harder, it is not going to make things better. I want so much to be strong.
Gabriel's due date is a double milestone-----not only the due date itself, but by then I will be almost 17 weeks......the last time we heard his heart beating...I could kick myself for thinking this---it just all hurts. Realistically this was a "fluke".....I have four healthy children, four relatively healthy pregnancies, now why can't I draw on all that positive energy from those?? I think the why---is because before losing Gabriel I never comprehended the magnitude of pregnancy/infant loss----and now I do and I know it hurts like hell....and I know it is real, and it happened to us and I am scared to death to ever even fathom it happening again----it "shouldn't".....and that is what I hold on dearly to.
We finally told the kids---and we talked about saying a special prayer for this baby and for Gabriel every night.
May 5~~
The kids and I gathered flowers to make a lei for Gabriel for tomorrow.
May 6~~~Gabriel's would've been due date~~~
Today when I got up it was raining---it was a very nasty day. But in a way, the rain was good---because that was how I was feeling, sad and dreary. Kevin took this week off, which I am very grateful. Just having him around makes things better.
I think the anticipation of today was worse than today actually is. After lunch we took the lei we made to the beach/harbor and Kevin tossed it in the water. It formed the perfect circle when it landed and it floated so peacefully away from us-----just as Gabriel did. We watched it for a while and I cried. The symbol of it all really got to me---the lei floated out of reach, which is just where Gabriel remains. He is close at heart, but beyond our touch. Another funny thing---was it was raining until we got to the pier and then it had stopped while we were there. There was a small blue patch in the sky.
This afternoon Conny,a friend of mine brought over three violet roses, three violet candles, and a beautiful framed poem. It meant so very much that she remembered us and Gabriel on this day, that she cared so much to do this for us. It is the friends like these that you meet once in a great while---these are the ones worth keeping and that will be there for you in good times and bad. :o)
Later that evening the kids and I went to gather more flowers, Eden wanted to make more leis. After we filled our bags, I drove back to where Kevin and I released the lei-----of course it was gone to sea, but I still sat there looking. I felt at peace, we have made it through one of the hardest times of our lives---and now as I look around me I have my four precious children chattering behind me and my precious miracle inside of me. As I finally drive off the sky to the west where the sun is setting is clear, blue and the sun is shining from beyond the mountian---peeking out just before it sets for the evening. It is all truly inspiring, as if to once again prove that after the rain the sun will always shine---a promise of God above, just like the rainbow. And although we see rainbows every day here, I don't look for one today----I just know and trust in my heart that there is one there---just as I know and trust in my heart that God will take care of us and lead us through the dark spots into the light again.
Today, although not as I would have liked it to have been, has taught me that life goes on.......
May 14~~~
I am so excited----today is another appointment with Jen. Of course I get all emotional driving to the hospital----but once I get into the OB clinic I am just beside myself with glee. I get vitals taken and I swear their scale is rigged---I am a cow......but honestly, as long as this baby is healthy and growing fine, I don't care how much I gain. When Jen comes in the room she does make a comment about my weight---I giggle----in my defense--my shoes are heavy?? Does that account for some???Hahahahahaha!! We talk about the MSAFP (test for down's and neural tube defects) and I tell her I am going to hold my breath and do it. We also talk about my ultrasound---my next one in 2 weeks!! OH, this just exhilirates me!! Today I am 17weeks, 5 days.......I am almost through my milestone---yeahhhh!! I don't know that that will "cure all" my worries, but it is sure helping. Then we listen to the heartbeat and I giggle, b/c of course I have already listened in today----so my appointments aren't anticipated b/c I get to hear the heartbeat, but more exciting because it is another week, or two or three that I have made it.
In the beginning I thought that I was never going to enjoy this pregnancy, that I was going to worry or be to scared to embrace it. But the opposite has happened. If anything, this will be the pregnancy I remember the most---not because it will be my last, but because I feel so blessed to have this miracle and because of losing Gabriel, nothing goes unnoticed, nothing is taken for granted. As my belly gets bigger---I am just in awe--because I know so intimately how precious that little life inside it is. Each time, every day I hear the heartbeat--I am so thankful. I am thankful for the little twirlies I am feeling---and can't wait until Daddy can feel too. I am grateful for every single morning and every single night that we have you. I do still worry, and that is okay-----I would be concerned if I didn't worry. But I realize I will worry about you forever---as I do all my children.....a mother's protective nature never fades---it is there from beginning to end.
I scheduled my ultrasound--it is May 24, next Friday, our anniversary!!! That in itself is awesome!!Then my next appointment is June 6. Time is passing at a reasonable pace---I swore the weeks were dragging, but before I know it summer will be over and fall will be here, with our little bundle of joy.
May 15~~
Well, so much for my high I had going. Jen called today around 3pm, and I knew as soon as I heard her voice that this was not a "good" call......I was JUST there yesterday. Well, my MSAFP is abnormal.......I just lost it. WHY was this happening. Everything came flooding back----deja vu. Once I gained a bit of composure I was able to ask---low or high....and once again it was low which means an increased risk for Down's syndrome. But that is the LEAST of my worries-----before, when we got abnormal results from this test with Gabriel that would have been my paramount worry.....now my worst fear is losing this baby for some unknown reason, like we did Gabriel. OHMYGOD.....WHY is this happening to us? Well, we talked about the next step and since my dates were verified a few weeks earlier that is not an issue, so a dating ultrasound is not needed. Amniocentesis would be the next step-----and the moment she mentioned that I cried---I can not...I mean CAN NOT take the risk that comes with amnio. There is a 1-2 in 200 chance of complications arising from amnio that "could" lead to miscarriage-----but there is only a 1 in 250 chance (according to my age) of this baby actually having down's syndrome. And the amnio would only tell us IF the baby has down's....not to what extent, so knowing really doesn't matter to me at the expense of the risk I would have to take. Then I asked about a Level II ultrasound, and we agreed that is the way to go-----even though I know that a Level II won't necessarily be able to tell definitively, at least it is more specialized to view the baby and its organs and the placenta to see if anything abnormal sticks out. We have that scheduled for Tuesday with a "maternal-fetal specialist" as they told me.....so we will once again WAIT.
Meanwhile my mind is just flooded----I am scared not of down's but of something more. When I called Kevin at work to tell him I could hardly keep control over my self---I was just sobbing. He was so calm and gentle and so optimisic----and once I was somewhat calmed down he asked me what was bothering me most---the abnormal result or the whole deja vu of the situation. The more I thought things through, the more I realize it is the deja vu---this is the exact same time I had the test run with Gabriel.......and then we know what happened. That fear of history is overwhelming. We are no longer innocent to all of the "what ifs" for we have lived the absolute worst what if....
May 16-17
After some time to digest things, I think I have accepted the things I cannot change-----and I have once again let myself enjoy what I have NOW and not worry about what might happen. I have been checking the heartbeat 4, 5, and 6 times a day......it's just a HUGE measure of comfort and assurance and this is what is getting me through the rough moments. When i hear the strong thum-thum-thums.....I just know that it is going to be okay.
I finally had Kevin take a belly picture---something I have wanted to do since the beginning of this pregnancy but didn't.........and I almost didn't last night----but I have to continue to embrace this----just because this seems like a setback...it realistically could be nothing more than a false result---which is common.....and if I sit here and worry myself sick then I will have lost all this precious time on nothing.
May 21~~~
Today took forever to come.....but here we are. I have tossed around all the what if's, should we's, and everything, but we have decided that we will just relax and see what comes of the ultrasound. When we get to the clinic I swear my bladder is going to burst---my nerves have made a small bottle of water turn into a gallon in me. The doctor takes us back to the ultrasound room---and this ultrasound is the one that was used when I had my amnio done with Gabriel. BUT we are not here for that....we are here to see our little punkin bouncing around. The doc starts the ultrasound and begins measurements---but I have to go and empty my bladder b/c the baby is being squished by it...haha. Actually our little baby is kicking away at it trying to make room for itself. When I come back I feel sooooo much better and the exam resumes. This doctor is awesome, because as he is doing measurements and looking at the baby I can see too and he tells us what he sees and that all is looking good and "normal".....the most precious words right now. The baby keeps pulling its feet and moving arms and legs---makes it difficult to get a good measurement, but it is so good that he/she is moving about. The doctor asks if we would like to know the sex.......and I can't control my "yes"..because honestly as much worry that I have been through these past weeks/months....I just would like to know a certainty , well sort of...nothing is 100% until the goods are checked out after delivery. He then asks Kevin---and such a sweetheart he is, he says go ahead, let her know. :o) Well, after some more looking around he finds the goods....or shall we say lack there of----and it is 98% that we have a little girl in there!!! The excitement of that is nothing compared to the end of the exam when he tells us that everything looks great and he has found no anomolies in measurements, the heart, brain, etc.....the baby looks perfect. BUT...of course this is not 100% either, only amnio would tell us the 100% chromosomal makeup----BUT this ultrasound being good pretty much puts our risk back to normal and since nothing "physical" was picked up, we are satisfied that our baby girl is going to be fine. It hits me......we are still okay. As we walk out of the room, I finish the survey at the counter and can't help but cry......I am so relieved, so happy, so grateful. Kevin just shakes his head at me----I am crying again....lol....but it is so good this time.
When we get home I leave a message for Jen---and she calls me back later that afternoon---and I ask if she has my report yet. She did and said it looks great----and then I ask if it by chance has the sex on it---(she knows we don't usually find out). She said no---and I then tell her I know.....she is so excited when I tell her we have a little lady!!!
That night I have to go to Wal-Mart to look for yarn for Grandma----and as I am driving down the freeway---it hits me......we *may* have a GIRL!!!! A girl!!!! A healthy baby GIRL!!! Pink!! Dresses!! Ribbons and bows!!! A girl!!
June 6~~
Today I am 21 weeks!!! Kevin goes with me to my OB appointment with Jen....and of course he is obnoxious while we are waiting---he has me in stitches with his antics. It is a hoot when he comes with me---we are like two kids with an adult not looking. My weight is good (I finally have quit gaining so much) and my blood pressure is back down to my normal....way low. Jen comes in and giggles with us and then we listen to the little lady---she is a happy little thing in there. Our next appointment with Jen will be on the 17th and oh so sad---this will be our last with her before she leaves. We have our fingers crossed that she comes back in Oct TDY....that would be too cool!!
The baby is moving lots now----I don't always find her heartbeat in the same place, and now it is safe to say she does not like the doppler. Haha!! I am also pleased to say I don't bug her with it as often---I have even skipped days. But nevertheless I will keep it most likely until I have her---it is a comfort measure---so I know that if I send it back I will freak between appointments.
Another tidbit---I look huge!!! I guess what they say is true---girl's make you muuuuuuuuch bigger......Kevin is having a field day with my size....hahahaha!!
June 17~~
Today is our last appointment with Jen......it is so, so sad. We love her to pieces and are going to miss her so much. We have shared so much with her over the past four years that it is really hard to say good-bye. She is leaving us in good hands with a friend of hers, but it won't be the same. We will keep in touch and of course send her lots of pictures of the baby.
