The days roll on and some are good and some are bad. I have decided to start working on learning how to build web pages--a huge feat for someone as computer illiterate as I. I actually need something to keep me occupied---something besides sitting on line all day researching grief, miscarriage, infant death, etc. I am slowly sliding into a slump again--and I realize that I need to pick myself up and do something about it. It is still so fresh sometimes---like it was just yesterday and I woke up and life was changed.
February 4~~
Well, I should be receiving a "visit" from my "old friend" this week, but I can't help but *hope* that maybe I won't. I have the two pg tests I bought last month....for a few months down the road.....they are calling me..haha. I know better than to try one before the old hag is due, but I do anyway. Of course it is a -----, so I feel silly, and toss it.
Another thing---I can't get out of my mind is Gabriel's death certificate--we haven't received it yet. I hate to call, just because it is not something I am looking forward to, but getting it will provide more closure. I mention it in passing to Kevin, and he gives me "the look"...I know all too well---I am worried about nothing.
February 10
Still no friend...and I have another test calling my name.....so I can't resist the urge, but once again a NEGATIVE. I just have a feeling that it is wrong, but I refuse to trust intuition--it has failed me too recently. Of course this really urks me, I am not too fun of a person to be around right now. I guess I will give it a few more days. On the up side--it does give me something else besides sadness to obsess about.
February 14~~Valentine's Day~
This morning the mortuary called----Gabriel's Death certificate is in and ready for me to come sign for it. UGH....I was thinking they would mail it. I didn't have a chance to tell Kevin at lunch time, I was too awestruck by the flowers he brought me on the motorcycle :o)---so after I picked up the kids from school we went for a drive. I went in and the receptionist handed me the certificates to look over and verify that everything was correct----talk about mental block. THIS was not something I EVER wanted to be holding--my child's death certificate. Everything "seemed" correct....it was horribly painful---it resembled a birth certificate with the exception instead of a birth time, there was a time of death/delivery. Then there was a section for "causes" and of course there was "none"...this still tortures me. I still cannot understand, and maybe right now my faith still isn't where it should be, because I am not at peace with losing Gabriel. Nothing about it makes sense---having all the tests come back inconclusive or normal just drives a dagger deeper into my soul. I pray every night that God can give me the strength someday to accept this and not ask why---because the why's kill me.
Okay....now a week late...and we have wine to celebrate tonight with....but I can't in good conscience. So, while at the store I pick up two more tests. Once I get home, Kevin gives me the head shake again---good thing he puts up with me. I run up and do the deed on the stick.....leave it while I wash hands and mess in our room a bit. When I go back, I see the control line---dark...and then beside it is the faintest of faint lines, but nevertheless it is a line. Darn---I run down and toss it at Kevin----and ask "do you see anything???"....he laughs--well, yeah, there are two---one is really faint. So, are we or aren't we??? He shrugs---"Guess no wine".. Now this really sends me for a loop. I figure, I will wake up in the morning and use the other pack I bought first thing....and see from there.
February 15~~
I swear I woke up every hour to see if it was morning yet....and then finally it was. So I broke out my last test (this would be #4 in a week) and took it. And waited.....and waited.....and sure enough another faint line. UGH!!! Now I could handle if I was and I could handle if I was not, but this in between really drives me nuts. I call my primary care clinic---because usually they can order a HCG test and that way I don't have to bother Jen just yet....but as luck would have it out PCC clinic are less than helpful. Even after I had explained I was over a week late, had a second tri miscarriage in Dec...etc. the JERK and I would rather use another term, but I will be mild....told me not to bother calling back until I was over 14 days late!! UGH...luckily I was upset before I started getting angry otherwise I would have told him a few things none of which would have been nice.
So, I call the OB clinic to leave a message for Jen. And I wait........
Later that afternoon she calls me---and of course I have to explain why I need her to order a test....haha.....she is excited but of course has the reservation in her voice. She would have preferred a two cycle wait----but we should be okay. I feel somewhat guilty...if I am and something goes wrong, will I ever forgive myself for not waiting another month??? I force these what ifs away....they will do me no good.
So she orders a test---but I will have to wait until Tuesday...since Monday is a holiday..UGH.....patience is so not my strong point. She'll call me when she gets the results.
February 16~~
UGH.....not knowing---very bad for me. I have to head out to Wal-Mart for some things.....and of course in the back of my mind I have the full intention of buying another, different brand, pregnancy test. I don't tell Kevin, because he is a very patient person and just assume wait until Tuesday for the blood test results. ME---ohhhh no....I want to try my luck on another brand--I hear good things about EPT, but when I get there they are over 10 bucks for one!! UGH....after spending over $15 on the last 4 I bought, I can't justify another 10, so I scan the shelves and see the "equate" (Wal-Mart brand)....and it says on the package "comparable to Ept...BINGO. And it is only 6 bucks...this I can handle. I can hardly wait to get home.....I manage to get it upstairs without Kevin thinking anything is up....and I "take it"....and as I sit it on the counter I see the lines....yes 2 LINES come up immediately....they are so dark and there is no mistake--no faint lines here. I run downstairs with it and plop in Kevin's lap....and show it to him. First he is like "you bought another???" and then the big smile.....and "ohhhh, you are going to be in trouble with Jen"....LOL I am still not 100% convinced, but this at least appeases me and eases my not knowing a bit.
Now comes the fun part---we are just beginning a new roller coaster. I tell one of our friends I think I am....and I am given the less than accepting attitude. I am not sure what I said, but I am thinking it was that no matter when we tried to have another child it was going to be riddled with fear and sadness as well as reserved joy.....no matter WHEN.....we could have waited another year and I am almost 100% sure it would not be a "smooth ride." I must admit I am disheartened at the response I got---I AM excited, I AM TERRIFIED....and I know that nothing is certain---believe me. Once you lose a child you realize there are absolutely no guarantees in life, no promises, nothing.....nothing but today. I am scared to death, and I have not even gotten direct confirmation----but although I am scared, I am realistic and know that while there are no guarantees that something bad is going to happen there are also no guarantees that something good won't happen.....so I must find it within myself to take it one day at a time and live my life in the present---because that is all I have right now....
February 19~~
Today is the day---I am so excited to get blood drawn I must be a real sicko!! Haha!! I get to the lab and for some reason it isn't in the computer---so I call up the OB clinic, even though I was at my PCC building, I wasn't going to dare ask them to put the request in for me. The receptionist was awesome and got the chief resident to put in the order...and I had my levels drawn. Later that afternoon, Jen called---and was giggling---she asked me if I already "knew"...in otherwords had I gotten more tests over the weekend...LOL. She told me my *level* and then asked if we wanted to come in on Friday for an ultrasound....HECK yeah!!
February 22~~
I am so excited---the last few days have been interesting. In one hand I am filled with excitement---pure, raw exhiliration. But then, I get an overwhelming feeling of sadness and fear---WHAT IF???
Kevin and I go to the clinic at noon and meet Jen there----it is so cool to see her again...I mean it has only been a month or so since I last saw her, but the bond we have with her is incredible. She is the best OB ever!!
We go into a room with an ultrasound and of course it is the vag one---not too fun, but the best way to see things early on. She starts the procedure and is quiet--she is looking around and finds an early sac....but also finds some dark patches in my uterus. She has "this look"....and my heart sinks. Thankfully she is brutally honest with us, because otherwise it would make things ten times worse. She tells us that honestly she can't say this early if things are going to be okay....that the dark patch area worries her----it could be blood. She recommends we come back next Friday and in the mean time she will draw another HCG level and maybe that will give her some greater insight. She also says if we have any problems, bleeding, cramping, that it could be a miscarriage and to call her.
OH-MY-GOSH.....of course I am a total wreck now---my mind races to the complete worse case scenerio.....I have zilch for optimism.....I honestly don't have it in me---I can't handle thinking good and naive only to be heartbroken again. This way I figure if I am negative maybe I won't be let down so much.
We stop by the lab to get the blood drawn and then go home....and wait. That night Jen calls with my level and they have more than doubled twice since Tuesday----that is a VERY good sign. That means that in certain terms the pregnancy is progressing. Now we must wait the week and *see* what shows up next Friday...UNLESS anything happens between now and then. UGH
I am anxious to tell Kevin---and he is optimisic---he has enough for both of us right now---which is great, because I am really low.
March 1~~
This past week has been torturous on me---but I was forced to do some soul searching and find a part of me that was hidden.....Kevin gave me a pep talk earlier in the week and basically told me to get my head out of my a** and quit thinking so negative. Negative energy is going to do nothing for me but make things worse all around and to top it off I am not being too nice to be around. So.....I took a look at things and realized that ultimately everything is in God's hands or some other higher being---that I can fret or I can enjoy the moment---either way it can be taken from me at any time without notice...and if I choose to fret and be a basket case over things then I would never even have had "the moment"...I will have lost out all around.
So...Friday is here and off we go....I grab a Guardian Angel Gabriel pendant ( I got it the week after we lost Gabriel)and fasten it to my bra strap---I want it with me but don't want to explain my quirk about it. On the backing it says "Gabriel is "hero of God" He brings courage to the faint of heart. Wear this Guardian Angel, Gabriel, when a seemingly insurmountable task is at hand. He will protect you from possible failure." Well...I can think of no better time than now that I need a bit extra courage and strength...
Jen starts the ultrasound....and right off the bat she finds the sac....and there is no dark area to be found around it----this is VERY good. This, she says, looks much better, promising. Looking at this scan, she is not worried about it at all. Silent tears stream down my face......I can't even begin to explain the relief that I feel. She snaps a few pictures for us---one has my right ovary...where this baby came from... :o) I never knew you could "tell" which side ovulated...heck I suppose there is much I don't not know about lots of stuff. She asks if I'd like to come in again next Friday.....even though she knows I would... :o)When she leaves the room and I get dressed I just hold Kevin tight---I know he is thinking "see, I told you so".....but this moment I will cherish....
March 8 ~~
Whoa---what a week.....talk about a freak case. Well, Monday I began having brown spotting--nothing big, just enough to make me worry. Wednesday one of the times it was pinkish...so I lost it and called the clinic....and they got me in for a same day eval. Jen was on nights so I had to see whoever...and after two hours of waiting and feeling like an idiot they took me back did a complete history and then a quick ultrasound, saw the baby and heartbeat and sent me on my way. This did very little to appease me, because I am still spotting and dont' know why. Later that night Jen calls and she tries to reassure me...and then on Friday we'll see what is up.
Friday takes forever--and I must visit the bathroom a hundred times a day. Jen starts the ultrasound and things look great--the baby has grown--it actually looks like a gummy bear with a flicker rather than just a blob with a flicker. We can see the head--it is like an ET head. And the yolk sac is still visible in one part of the sac....it is really cool. Apparantly the yold sac is what forms the placenta. I learn something new every day. :o) She also thinks the spotting is from the cervix area---nothing big just my body ridding itself of old blood---not to worry as long as it is minimal and not accompanied by cramping and red bleeding. UGH....I am still going to stress and worry---I swear someone is messing with me...:o( On a good note, I get two more pictures and she dates the size at about 6 weeks or so. So, the end of October our little pumpkin should hatch.. :o)
She tells me to go ahead and make my OB reg appointment....and then she'll see me after for my physical unless I need anything sooner. So, I am off with good news...but I am still uneasy. Guess yet another thing I need to work on---try and keep a positive outlook and not think about what if...
My OB registration appointment is on the 28.....almost three long weeks away...and then another few weeks after I will have my physical. I am not sure I am going to make it that long.......we'll see.
March 31~
Oh wow----I just looked at my last entry and I did make it three weeks. I had my registration appointment this past Thursday---just a paperwork thing, but of course Gabriel came up, so it was like opening up new wounds again---as if they ever have a chance to be covered. I did notice that most people assume a miscarriage is in the first trimester--and when they realize that I was a bit farther along it is shocking to them. Times like these make my heart break for those friends I have met online that were well into their second or even close to term and lost their angels.
The past few weeks have been hard on me and I know I am making it hard on Kevin. I am still not myself---for one I have horrible insomnia for days at a time---I finally had to fight with my subconscious to get it to give me a break--oh yes, this really makes me seem like I have multiple personalities--haha! But my dreams or shall I say nightmares are haunting me. I am terrified of my 18 week ultrasound up in the Antepartum clinic----THAT was where this whole ordeal began--and the thought of revisiting that place terrifies me. It scares me to the point that I wake in night sweats frantic---I never actually "get to the room" in my dream, I always wake before hand. I finally talked to Kevin about this---and he has been so understanding and reassuring and has helped me "understand" why I am having such a hard time with this. I guess I didn't realize that I am okay with L&D and the OB clinic because both of those are products of the tragedy----but the ultrasound room/area was where everything began---it is the "starting point" of everything and of course I will have more reservations toward that place. He also told me that he will be there with me (of course) when we go for my 18-20 week ultrasound---and if need be he can speak for me and help me through everything. I am scared I am going to "lose it" that I am going to have a major breakdown up there---I am scared of the "room" of the "machine", even though I know the latter two are absurd...it is just by association. Well, after many more sleepless nights---I finally managed to convince myself that this is not a worry to have now---and that I am going to "give" this worry to Kevin, so it won't plague me anymore....and he can take on this fear for me......Stupid as it may sound---it has worked--I haven't had this keep me from sleep.
Now, physically--I have felt decent, not great, but okay. I am exhausted, both mentally and physically. I still have spotting here and there and it still drives me nuts---but I am trying to be rational and not let it overexcite me. Other than that I am steadily outgrowing stuff--not that too much fit, since I still had some extra weight after Gabriel. But now I am definitely beyond rubberbanding my pants--so I am off to get somethings I can wear---maybe it will help my mood a bit feeling "nicer." My mood---oh now that is a fun subject---I am struggling to be social and somewhat "normal" but failing miserably. Kevin finally told me the other day that how is it that I have become the "anti=social" one, that is his role. I think I am having a hard enough time dealing with everything and I don't have the energy to exert on things other than basic family stuff. I still have bad days---especially the closer we get to April--yes I am still doing the "I would be X weeks".....and April is going to be really hard---this should have been my last month....I should be nesting, huge and getting ready to deliver.....BUT I am NOT. Thus is life.
Today was Easter---we decorated eggs and Kevin made one with Daddy-Gabriel-Mommy-Baby on it.....it broke my heart but at the same time it was so touching and meant so much to me. I miss Gabriel so much---my heart will always be broken and long for him. The dreams we had were shattered, so quickly, without warning----that makes it hard to accept, hard to let go. Then I think, I have a life inside of me BECAUSE of Gabriel. My heart is full of love yet full of sorrow all at once---I just pray to God every day, please grant me the strength .....the strength to accept the things I cannot change and also the strength to step forth into the future with an open heart .....
My appointment is on April 10th.....10 more days :o), not that I am counting. Hopefully we will hear this little miracle's heartbeat---:o)
