...[the day-to-day bit]...

sunday 21st july 2002

i gave up on this place. i have my friends who i can talk to, everything was ok in my life, what did i need an online diary for, eh? after all it was just a place to moan.

stuff has changed. i still have my friends, but something pretty major has happened in my life, and there's nothing i can do to change it. the people it directly affects won't talk about it, i've spoken about it with a few friends, to get it off my chest, but.. i don't really wanna labour the point, i don't wanna become the chick that moans on and on about her problems everytime she sees her friends. i don't feel i should detail the problem on here, because it's..not my place to, i guess. suffice to say, it's something big that affects my whole family. my birthday is coming up this week, and it's cast something of a shadow over it; and there's no way at all that i can complain to anyone about this, because it would be so selfish; my birthday just..isn't the priority right now and i wouldn't expect it to be. but privately it's pretty depressing i guess. and so i suppose i've returned to this, my safe haven, to have a quiet moan about stuff.

if it was just this major problem, i could deal with it, because..you have to, don't you? you can't just stop. but i've been let down by a few people this week, and in my frustration and slightly emotionally-mixed up state, i've run my mouth off in places [not necessarily laying into people..but.. ranting about my problems, ranting about other stuff that annoyed me on DiS, and just picking people up on things that were a bit unnecessary]. as a result of various stuff that's happened over the past few days i've spent the weekend thinking "was it something i said?"; people who i thought liked me have seemed to avoid me, or gone cold on me. i guess i feel a bit misplaced.. some of my friends have been really great, supporting me through the current situation. other people don't know about it, because i haven't told them, and so they've felt that it was ok to let me down; and for me it's harder to deal with, because i have this extra stuff to deal with as well.. yet i can't tell them that, because i'm just not gonna be the girl going "i have problems, treat me differently" - i'd feel despicable if i did that, like i was taking advantage of the present situation - and there are other people much worse affected by it than me, so i'd hate myself if i did.

i'm just sorta ranting now.. not quite sure what direction it's going in but i doubt anyone reads this place anymore so i guess i'm free to say what i wanna say. i just feel like.. i try not to let people down where necessary, or say hurtful things to them, or leave them out in the cold; if it happens, i try to apologise and make amends. not saying i'm perfect, but i try not to be a complete cow. but other people have treated me in this way, and things being how they are right now, it's particularly hurtful. right now i feel sort of.. grey. there doesn't seem to be anything on the horizon, and some of the people i thought could be trusted have showed themselves to be out for their own gains. there are a few friends i can turn to, but not as many as i thought. it's a disorientating feeling, and i don't know quite how to deal with it. i feel emotionless, and i hate that - i'd rather be screaming and ranting and punching the walls than just sitting here feeling non-existent - but this is how i feel, and i don't know how to stop it, and i don't want to tell people, particularly my family, because that means effectively taking centre stage with my problems, and my problems are not the priority right now. so i have to just sit still for a while and wait for it to pass. it's pretty lonely.


wednesday 5th december 2001

driven back to my onetime dwelling place by boredom. jjhhhhhgggghhhhhh. it is 16:06pm. i am bored. i am at uni, doing fuck all, cos it's about 0.2761% more interesting than going home and doing fuck all. i am bored. i have gazed listlessly at a messageboard that, much as i will it to, is not going to produce random sparkles of ingenious wit every three minutes. i have updated websites that did not need updating, i have checked emails that i had no idea still existed, i have pestered my poor friends via txt for something, ANYTHING entertaining. alas, nothing. i am bored.

gah.

and i have tickets for the cooper temple clause and queen adreena next week and ash is being a meanie, he won't come with me, he says he's gonna work instead. grrrrrrrr.

i am bored.

[afterthought at 16:36] i have just trekked All The Way Across Campus to the SU to get a packet of crisps. happily they had big 50g grab-bags. unhappily i now need a drink.

i am still bored.


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