...[the day-to-day bit]...

saturday 15th september 2001

it's really been a very long time since i last wrote. first i went on holiday [it had 3 really good days and the rest was a bit of a blowout, in the 'having-panic-attacks-at-the-top-of-a-mountain-miles-from-civilization-and-staying-in-a-hostel-that-resembles-the-hotel-in-"the shining"' sense.]. then i got back and didn't really have much to say, so i just... didn't write. various things have happened since, but none of them were very recent, and to trawl through them now would be both boring and pointless. if i say anything later on that refers anything from the past two months i'll explain then.

and basically i just haven't felt like writing. even when i've had stuff to deal with, i just haven't felt like inflicting it on this space - when i've needed to talk through stuff, i've talked it through with a couple of friends, and there's no point in rambling in a diary just to fill space, that defeats the purpose. and it would have been boring, for you and for me. though it's just struck me that it sounds like i'm making excuses doesn't it? i suppose i am. ah well.

so, current situation:
� don't know if i have anywhere to live during uni - we had a house sorted, lovely big beyootiful dwelling in leyton, and then on thursday i found out everything was fucked, and we're going househunting on monday. and then today i was told that we are moving in after all. agh. i don't have a clue.
� uni starts next week. haven't sent off the form with my choices for course sub-options yet. deadline was...um..10 days ago. oops.
� fact: moulin rouge rocks. baz luhrman is a genius. end of discussion.
� fact: so is naomi klein. [after many weeks of voracious reading, i've just finished reading no logo, the most thought-provoking book i've ever read.] end of that discussion too.


thursday 12th july 2001

it's been a rather fantastic week. for the past couple of weeks, i've been fretting and worrying, wondering whether or not certain things will happen, whether i'll have the nerve to make those things happen, because i have a certain tendency to let opportunities slip out of my grasp, to procrastinate and prevaricate until the opportunity disappears. this week... well i don't quite know how, but everything happened, and i didn't even need to fret and worry and pluck up any courage and spend 3 days figuring out what i was going to say, because the something - the someone - that i wanted to happen, just.. happened, in the loveliest possible way.

and i've spent the week perched cheerfully on a happy-cloud looking down on every problem i've had over the past few months, and wondering why i ever got so worked up and unhappy about it, because it all seems so silly and trifling and distant now. distant more than anything else. i'm listening to a song now which really sums it all up; i've been listening to this song for about 3 hours now, in fact... and really, almost every word of it just feels so perfect for the situation, and i just feel.. comfortable. happy. i don't feel like i'm peering up a cliff wondering what shape the incoming, downward-bound rocks will be anymore. i'm angry about a couple of separate things too, but even the anger is refreshing; it's not a hurt-driven anger, it's something logical and justified that i know how to deal with, and that in itself is exhiliarating, because pure, uncomplicated emotion is so hard to come by a lot of the time, so i vented a bit of that anger tonight, and fucking hell it felt good.

i know i've said all this before, that everything was suddenly cool, brilliant and a-okay, but there was a difference. i know for a fact that i go round in cycles, swinging back and forth between a childlike enthusiasm for life, love, music and everything, and complete lethargy, but i also know that there was a difference, because last time i said everything was wonderful, i was lying to myself. not sure if i knew it at the time, but with hindsight i was. because i didn't feel like this, i still felt knotted up inside, and i just vented the feeling elsewhere. perhaps i wrote the things i wrote, the whole waargh-aren't-i-happy stuff, for someone's benefit. and of course i wouldn't have admitted it at the time. but fuck it, i don't really give a shit about that person's opinion anymore, because there are better, kinder, more important people in my life, a whole bunch of people who make me feel human and worthwhile, so if i upset anyone else with this, tough, because i'm done being scared of my own opinions, i was made to realise that tonight by exactly the person that's brought on this feeling of freedom and confidence in the first place. losing the tension, exhaling and letting yourself relax, relief as a whole, is a deeply underrated feeling.


saturday 7th july 2001

a quick grump.

ugh. i hate this weather. i mean i really really *really* hate it. you know some people get proper clinical depression in winter, when it's all cold and grey and miserable? well i wouldn't go quite that far, but i can see how they feel... this kind of weather, all bleak and horrible, it really brings me down; i just sit there, not wanting to do anything or go anywhere... it makes me really grumpy and lethargic and lazy. and i really don't like myself when i'm like that.

just hope it gets back to being summer soon... i wanna go out, i wanna have fun, and enjoy the spare time i've got left before uni, and i just want some goddamn sunshine. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK???

yep, thought so. bah.


sunday 1st july 2001

i've had a surprisingly good day today. not that today was going to be bad, but i expected it to be very boring and uneventful like every other sunday. not a lot actually happened but it somehow wasn't at all boring. can't really describe why it was interesting because as i say, nothing happened.. i spose today just had a really nice, weird vibe to it. very surreal in lots of little, lovely ways; everything's been very up and down today, there's not been any room for indifference [a pleasing change], which always makes things interesting... and i found out a couple of rather nice details that made me smile. right now i feel like i have a lot to look forward to.

even the revelation that my dad has suddenly changed his mind and resents the idea of helping me with my rent at uni couldn't dampen my mood!


saturday 30th june 2001

oh dear. more confusion.

i had this dream last night. this is weird because i don't dream very often, and when i do, i usually remember the dreams in clear and perfect detail, even for years afterwards - and my dreams *always* have some relevance to my life; i always, without exception, dream about people i know, and usually places i know [except that they're skewed and jumbled, like a patchwork of different places that i know, sewn together in an odd pattern, creating a wholly new environment.] the last few days' dreams have been odd in that i've been dreaming every night, and i can't remember a thing about the dreams when i wake up. last night's dream was very vivid, and i remember bits of it here and there.. but it's left me feeling very very confused. i'd put it in the dreams section on the [bugg�re] page except that i can't remember enough of it to write it down properly, so i'll just figure it out here.

i know it involved several people that i know, 3 of whom were very clear in the dream.. but there was a fourth person, and he was the most important person in the dream.. and i cannot figure out who he was. it was so clear to me during the dream who it was but as soon as i woke up, i couldn't figure it out; i remember snippets of the dream that involved him, i remember vaguely what he looked like, and i can't shake the feeling of familiarity that surrounded him, i felt really close to him in the dream, i'm sure it's someone i know, and i've tried to think through everyone i know to figure out who it was, but i cannot work it out, because whoever it was, he was different somehow to how he is in reality.

i know this seems like a really silly and trivial thing to worry about, but it's bugging me because i know that the dream was a reaction to the confusion i'm going through at the moment; i know that it relates to several people in my life, people who i'm realising new feelings for, and i'm sure if i could remember the dream, it would help me make up my mind about a few things. the past month, and particularly the past week, has really changed my perspective on a couple of people, and i just don't know what to do about it.


friday 29th june 2001

a rather good couple of days!! a mostly wonderful gig last night - the headliners modest mouse were sadly shite but the support band [and my reason for going] aereogramme were wonderful - as was the surprise appearance by six by seven, with a bunch of new songs. anyway i'm going to review that. then 5 hours of lovely pubbage today with the DiS bunch, doing unspeakable things with jelly babies.

and once more i find myself procrastinating. i'm supposed to be writing a review of last night's gig. i've got sort of halfway, but gotten intentionally distracted. i've gone and written an entire incoherent rambling rant about luella bartley [on the bugg�re page with the rest of em] just so that i don't have to fix my attention on the review. this is why i never get any work done.

and i'm more confused than i was on monday, because i've realised some more things, about myself, about other people, feelings i didn't know i had for people i didn't know i'd ever feel for, and it's all very disconcerting. my emotions are behaving like a bouncy castle, and at this stage i don't really know what to do about it. i suppose i should do the obvious but right now that's just... noooooooo.


monday 25th june 2001

it has been a while since i've written because again, i've had nothing worth saying, and i'm not gonna write for the sake of filling space.

i feel...ughh... empty. don't really know - i think it's probably just boredom. yesterday was a fantastic day - today is the comedown. but..wow.. yesterday.

deftones gig, you see. they played the kentish town forum, a much smaller venue than they're used to these days. tickets went within hours. i met up with a few friends, and we filled the time before the gig in the pub, before queuing for ages. doesn't sound very exciting but it was really nice, truly laid-back, and with the weather like it was - hottest it's been this year in london - it was just a perfect summer day, chilling with friends, smirnoff ice and the anticipation of what we knew would be a stunning gig. and it was. i even enjoyed the support band, who i hate normally. my right arm is now somewhat bruised, but it was well worth it. muchly funny moment when a good 100 or so people escaped from the balcony to the ground floor moshpit when the security abandoned the stairs to sort out a fight... methinx a few security men won't have jobs today!!

this is really superficial isn't it. i feel kinda silly and irritating, just nattering on about "what i did yesterday". i read all these other journals and the writers are really open and deep and analytical with their feelings... and that was originally why i started this myself; to give vent to my feelings. but it doesn't seem to work out like that; the things i really want to say, i can only really discuss privately with friends or keep to myself, because it's too destructive to put them on here for various reasons. guess i kinda shot myself in the foot doing an online journal, huh?! there are a few things that have happened lately, things i've realised and been thinking about.. but.. i think i need to think about them a little more within myself before i lay them bare to the world; i need to consider the consequences. suffice to say i'm finding myself a little confused, going through feelings that, a month ago, i really didn't expect to have.

oh well. at least i'm not bored anymore!!!


tuesday 12th june 2001

i have started dreaming of those fucking elephants. THIS HAS GONE TOO FAR.


sunday 10th june 2001

there is a highly emotional and deep-rooted decision to be made. do i go and see big dog at the monarch tomorrow like i'd planned, or avoid the guilt trip from my dad, mum and best friend by accepting the free tickets my dad acquired and going with said best friend to see hamlet [fun fun fun] tomorrow [against my better judgement]?

*grumbles*

to add to matters, there is a sheep wandering around my screen. it keeps sneezing and sighing and falling in love and peeing and climbing unsuccessfully up the glass. it's really very distracting in a quite-sweet-really sort of way.

[and the answer is still yes]


thursday 7th june 2001

i haven't written for a while because for the past couple of weeks, when i was happy i was too busy being happy to write about and analyse it, and when i was pissed off i didn't feel like inflicting it on people and i couldn't be arsed to write about it anyway. [when i'm pissed off, unless i'm fucking furious to the point of combustion, i just get lethargic and think "aaaaaaaah fuck it who gives a shit? i can't be arsed."

in fact i haven't really got a lot to write about now, so this is a pointless exercise, i spose i just wanted to put some words on the page to prove to myself that i haven't given up on this. i can't be fucked to write a lot, in fact i think i'll just make a list, it's kindest for all of us.

� i have a tummyache [and have done since 7pm, it's now 4am - you see why the grumpy tone?]
� labour are about to win/have already won [well i wasn't watching the coverage] the election. i didn't vote for them. don't blame me.
� i am listening to the supernaturals, strangely cheerful and depressing all at once. odd.
� i have become addicted to the psi forum. kardinal is one fucking funny dude.
� this is quite pointless really isn't it? i shall continue nonetheless because i am stubborn.
� i love the union underground. [all my friends know this by now, but i wanted to say it, because they are wonderful.]
� i am fucking sick to death of the more idiotic varieties of human on the my vitriol messageboard. random dumb "i am bored so you have to be too" mindless cretinous messages clogging up the place. it's a small silly thing to get pissed off about but nonetheless i am pissed off. so there. if i had more to say on it [and if it was at all relevant to ANYONE who might be reading this] i'd do a proper rant on it but really there's no point, it would be as pointless as the messages on that messageboard. and if any of the offending gimps are reading this and getting indignant and stroppy - SUCK IT REPEATEDLY, i don't give a fuck. *bad mood increasing at an unnatural and horrifying rate*
� i still have a tummyache.
� i am going to bed.

[and the answer is yes, to people who are thinking the question i think they are thinking.] is it that time of the month??


sunday 27th may 2001

i have got sunburn. it hurts. so does my twisted ankle, and the fact that i cannot move either of my arms without the bruises hurting. oh well. ozzfest was well worth the pain!!!!! best day out i've had in ages, and with the exception of reading 2k, maybe one of the best festivals i've been to for sheer enjoyment. i can't be arsed to write the whole "who was great, who was shite" thang cos i've done it elsewhere enough times, suffice to say it was well worth the tkt price and amen exceeded everyone else. and i bumped into a friend from college who i haven't seen in a year, so that was rather lovely :)

however today has been slightly erghsome. we took a little trip to my relatives' house in surrey. my attempts to do otherwise failed; i told my folks i couldn't stand on my ankle at all - ok it's not quite that bad, but y'gotta lie in these situations - i even "enhanced" the bruises with makeup, proper realistic, and played up the "ow ow it hurts" factor, but my heartless rental units cared not for my suffering. so off we went to cheerful old surrey. barbecue type gubbins. i sat there trying to avoid spiders while my dad bibbled on about "the old days" and cinemas that cost "1 and sixpence". with bob dylan mumbling out of the stereo. oh what fun i had. really. i damn near exploded with excitement.


thursday 24th may 2001

sorry.. bit of a grumpy entry today. ok, basically it's a moaning session. if that bothers you, i'd stop reading now, cos you'll just get pissed off. otherwise, saddle up your patience and away we go.

i feel, as i said, grumpy. well, not grumpy exactly, more lethargic. today was really great actually, managed to salvage ozzfest after a last-minute disaster of the not-actually-having-a-ticket variety, spent the day drawing and sunbathing and listening to great records and generally feeling really good. but things sorta took a downward tailspin in the evening. irritating thing is i don't know why. nothing particularly crappy happened, i've really no reason to complain, i guess i'm being a bit of a miserable bitch right now, but that's the way i feel. just feel sort of empty and like i said, lethargic. don't wanna do anything, don't wanna move, don't wanna move my hand to change the cd. if i was prone to it and it was that time of the month i'd think it was pmt, but i'm not and it isn't. i think it's just me being not very happy. i know this isn't the most enthralling thing to read, but writing this kinda stuff down makes me feel better, clears my head, makes me realise when i'm being stoopid about things. soz.


wednesday 23th may 2001

oh, how annoying. three gigs that i want to go to, all on one day. muse at brixton with the coopers, aereogramme at the 144 club, and the union underground at the underworld. dammit. how pesky.

oh well. muse it is.


sunday 20th may 2001

ok. i was feeling really crap and had all this stuff i was pissed off about, that i was going to rant about, because this is where i rant about that stuff. i don't think it applies anymore because it's come to a sort of resolution. suffice to say i've had the conversation with someone that i should have had a long time ago, and i now feel a lot better. :)


saturday 19th may 2001

discovering a great band is one of the best feelings in the world. something new to love, to admire, something new to make you feel and react and grin and shake your fuckin' ass. tonight i saw miss black america at club evol. strictly speaking, i didn't exactly discover them tonight; i contacted them after reading one of their fantastic mailouts [none of yer "we're playing here, here and here, bye" bollocks - these mailouts are like a good proper ickle fanzine, political ravings, funny bits, opinions - wonderful.] and i've been enjoying their demo cd for the past couple of months. tonight i went from thinking of them as a quite-good-and-rather-promising band to thinking "fuck! wow! brilliant!". not because they're necessarily the most supremely gifted individuals with a finer and firmer grasp of the delicacies of music than anyone else; it's about attitude and reception. pure self belief. not in a desperate, libido-driven-bravado way like king adora [great tunes but i have absolutely NO respect for them whatsoever]; this self-belief seems to come from the fact that they just know they've got something to say, something to offer. but they do actually have some tunes to accompany this self-assurance. really, really good fucking T U N E S. they're not the best band that i've ever come across but they are certainly compelling. i can see them having hordes of crazed fans � la les manics, adopting their political beliefs and their shurrup-and-listen-to-us *attitood*.

i should really have put that in the [bugg�re] section and raved on and on about how fabulous they are. nah. i've said all i want to say on them so far, i'm writing a couple of reviews on them anyway for dis and confetti queens, so if you want to read more, you know where to look.

well, that's left me in a great mood! [and aren't the vegastones bloody fantastic, they always seem to have just the right tune at just the right time? ahhhh... bliss...]


friday 18th may 2001

i'm so happy. i can't really explain it, i don't think there are any specific reasons for it - certainly nothing in particular has happened to make me so happy. but everything is right. everything is the way i want it. i had a hospital appointment this afternoon, [i got some good news but i don't think that's what's brought on the sunny spell] and when i left the hospital, at the risk of sounding overly corny, the sky just looked so huge and SO blue, not just normal blue but really really full-on, pure colour, and so did everything else, i found myself walking along the street smiling, a big full happy grin. and now everything feels enhanced; i'm sitting here throwing myself around to wonderful music [nico by the vegastones if you're interested], playing air guitar with abandon and wiggling my shoulders, not caring if anyone comes in and laughs at me, because everything is great and their laughter isn't going to change that. [and before you ask, no they didn't give me any funny medication, so shut it. :��]

i think i know what it is. everything feels resolved. for the past couple of weeks i've been angry at a few things and a few people, and i've had a pile of stress on top of me. and now all of that feels like it's gone. the people i was angry at just don't exist for me anymore, they're still in my face but i'm oblivious to them, and they can't touch me on anything other than a superficial level anymore. the things i was mad about, i realise i either can or can't change or improve, and i have to act and accept accordingly. and the stress just drifts away. i just feel so good. it's like everything has been hurtling out of the sky at my head, and now it's all landed randomly and harmlessly on the ground around me without touching me; everything that fucked me up is falling away and life are turning out the way i want it. my evening has been full of annoyances but.. nothing. i don't care. it's great. i feel alive again.


monday 14th may 2001

i'm pissed off. this is annoying because for most of today i have been particularly happy. i'm a fairly chirpy person most of the time anyway but today i was more so than normal. mainly due to a nice spot of minor retail therapy.

but now i'm in a grumpy mood. mainly because someone i was just talking to started picking holes in our conversation and pointing out what a boring and self-centred individual i am, based on one sentence where i grumped at my computer disconnecting me. that annoys me. sometimes people i'm talking to bore the living fuck out of me, or do things that annoy me. if it's something major that i disagree with or that's really pissing me off, i'll pull them up on it. but unless it's really something worth starting an argument or risking alienating someone over, i pull out the diplomacy card and leave it. it's not worth it. there's nothing more annoying than people who slag you off if you're not funny and interesting and engaging and oh-so-perfect 24/7; i know one person who does that all the time [oddly after 3 years i'm still friends with him, can't really explain that one, hmm.. guess i just enjoy his conversation.] excuuuuuse me if i'm not fucking bill hicks, full of intellectual witticisms and caustic humour; i don't get paid for this y'know. i know i can be annoying sometimes so i don't act like a hypocrite about it when other people annoy me. and as much as anything else, i don't like hurting people's feelings unless they really deserve it, so i don't like saying pointless and unnecessary things that are gonna make people feel like shit. so i resent it when other people do it to me. so i left the conversation and turned off msn, i just wasn't in the mood for an argument, i'm tired and don't feel very well and i haven't the energy. and that has left me feeling pretty fucked off.


saturday 12th may 2001

i've had a really, really great day. the past week has been sort of shitty, mucho stress about the work i'm doing, but today really cleared my head. despite getting 1 hour's sleep last night, i was up by 9am [well, a very sulky my vitriol were on live and kicking, how could i miss that?! great fun!]. i met up with a bunch of the dis writers for drinks and picnickery; over the course of the rest of the day we blazed a jelly-baby-littered trail from the dublin castle to the bull and gate, via primrose hill. much fun, the combination of smirnoff, sunshine and friends just made today wonderful, exactly what i needed. so frankly today's entry is really just a mahooooge hello to everyone i met today - you rock, guys!!


wednesday 2nd may 2001

i'm feeling a bit better about things now. managed to salvage and redo some of my lost work, so i sent that off for.. well i guess you'd call it appraisal... a bit nervous about how it'll be received in case it's totally the wrong direction and i've fucked it all up, but i worked hard enough on it and i can only do my best. so i'll be positive and get the rest of the work done. i was feeling very disinclined and jaded earlier at the thought of trying to redo it all, but then i looked at the bits n pieces other people had sent me for inclusion, and i found myself feeling a little guilty - if they can be bothered to sit down and do that stuff to help me out, i guess i can get off my ass and do some work. besides it's not the most tiresome or odious of tasks; it's exactly the kind of work that i do want to be involved in and i guess i should count myself lucky to have the opportunity to do it. so i will, just as soon as i've finished this entry. but i WILL go to bed by 5am. oh yes.

i'm just reading shirley manson's studio diary on the garbage website. god, the woman's inspiring. garbage were the first band that i was truly into [well i was a take that fan, but let's be honest, while the tunes were good - do NOT argue with me on that - i did go off them once i stopped fancying mark and robbie. so garbage were the first band that i really connected with. and i looked up to shirley manson and always imagined her as being the type of person who would make the most fantastic best friend as long as you weren't scared of her. reading these entries, 4 or 5 years on, it's so pleasing to see that by all appearances, my initial impression of her seems to be right. i think you can tell a lot about a person from their journal, if they're honest in it. there aren't many famous people that i'd truly love to meet - all the people i do look up to, i am either content to admire from a distance and feel no particular need to actually meet them [e.g. chino moreno, courtney love], or i have already met them [i'm pleased to say that none of the people i've admired and subsequently met have turned out to be pricks; it must be so disappointing when that happens]; i've met enough people in small struggling bands to know that singers and drummers and bass players and guitarists are just people, nowt special about them, and they don't ascend to a higher plane of being once they get rich.

but shirley manson's the exception; i'd really, really love to meet her, just shake her hand and tell her that i admire her. it's not that i see her as some untouchable rock queen - far from it. she appears to me to be one of the few really well-known and respected musical success stories that actually still seems thoroughly human, real and flawed. nothing polished about her, brutal honesty and vulnerability all the way. i admire that, because it seems like she knows who she is, good bits and bad bits, and hasn't let the hollywood primpers and fluffers dress her up and trim her down. she just seems like such a goddamn cool, fun person. and she was the first famous person that i really looked up to on something more than an aesthetic level. i'd love to meet her. i'd like to hope i wouldn't gush like a thirteen-year-old, but the chances are i probably would. i hear garbage are playing reading this year; i'm trying to get vip passes for writing up the festival, so maybe by some tiny chance i might get to meet her. i dunno. it'd be cool though. :)

ick. it's 25 to 5. i'd better get my skates on and do some work.


tuesday 1st may 2001

s'been a while since i've written. mainly cos there's been nothing to write about. but now i've got stuff i want to rant about.

something has happened to my computer. namely that every single file i've put on here over the past 5 years no longer exists; some fuckup with some hp software has deleted everything. EVERYTHING. including the thing i was working on at the moment, don't know how much i should say about it but suffice to say it was kinda important and i'd spent way too long on it already. gone. so, once i've explained to the person i'm working for why exactly it is that after a month i've now got nothing to show for every 5am late night i've put in, i gotta start again. along with everything i'd been working on for the gawd knows how many sites i run, and the stuff i'd been ready to submit to drownedinsound.

what doesn't help is my father's attitude. see, this isn't my computer. but it's the only one in the house with the net. i can't do any of this work without the internet, i depend on it. he promised me that i'd have the net on my own computer by the time jan 2001 came around. 4 months down the line, nothing. so this is the only place i can do my work. now, just as everything i was working on has gone completely arse-up and left me fucking stranded, just as i could do with a bit of support from him, he basically tells me to fuck off when i sit down to do some work. tells me i should have done it earlier. i did TRY, but btinternet was being a major fucker so i haven't actually been able to use internet explorer at all today. the one point where i'd REALLY like a little understanding, compassion and support, when i'm feeling particularly stressed and useless, he tells me to fuck off. and tonight, just as he does every night, he'll order me not to stay up all night working. i'll do it anyway, just as i do every night, because it's the only way that i can get anything done.

the whole point of this gap year was to try and make something of myself. to try and put some foundations in place on my cv, so that when i get out of uni i've got something to start from. all around me, my friends are doing well for themselves - great contacts, some of them have wonderful jobs, they all seem to know where they're going. just as i get something going which could be really important for me, and i start doing something off my own initiative, rather than just achieving for the sake of pleasing him as i have done for my whole life, it all threatens to come crashing down around me; it won't, because i won't let it, but it would be SO nice to have some support from the person who's supposed to care about me more than anyone else. but as usual, the support's lacking. once again, typical to form, he's told me [after i explained that i'm very stressed about this stuff] that if it's stressing me out then i should just give up, because it's putting him out and i don't have the talent for it. thanks a lot dad. nice to know you've got so much confidence in me. really man, that inspires me.

this entry is dedicated to my dear, supportive, loving father, who's always there for me and never fails to lend a helping hand or ear when i need it, and wouldn't dream of telling me to get stuffed.


monday 23nd april 2001

just a quick one tonight because it's 5 in the morning and i meant to do this hours ago and i forgot but nevertheless i wanna go to bed dammit.

i saw mv yesterday... they were of course excellent.. better than usual, really fast and tight and energetic - and noticeably cheerful, i think they really enjoyed this tour. argh, only on stage for half an hour though! we managed to get our "rock on seth" chant going a li'l bit; not as thunderous as i'd hoped but a good few people joined in - thanx casey for starting it!!! feeder were good but i didn't really enjoy them cos we watched from the balcony which is never as fun.

i think i'm making a little headway with the zine.. i have a better idea of what i'm trying to achieve with it, so now i've gotta arrange a meeting to discuss what i've done so far. hmm.

ergh. i can't be fucked to write any more. i don't feel like straining my brain to think of things to write for the sake of it, anyway that's horrible and contrived. this is for my thoughts. there. you just got my thoughts.

nite nite.


friday 20th april 2001

i finished my top! my fingers and eyes now hurt a lot [note kids - sewing is neither a fun nor healthy pastime] but it looks beautiful. une probl�me. i've just realised that what with all the sharp bits of wire on it... how the fuck am i gonna wash it?

i'm not the most practical of people.


thursday 19th april 2001

my top is coming along nicely! i've done all the beaded lettering, it's all very pretty, it looks like a pile of sweeties, and i just have to sew it all on... all of it.. tomorrow.. while getting the fanzine done as well... erm.. yes. but i am quite proud... i'm not known for my prowess in the field of textiles and making/editing-your-own-clothes-type stuff. i scraped through gcse textiles by the skin of my knuckles by semi-cheating on the exam [don't ask, it's not that interesting] and gave up all plans to become a world famous avante-garde fashion designer shortly afterwards. so for me, this is quite an achievement. now i just have to get the letters onto the damn top. the sewing bit. ugh.

i'm in a bit of a quandary. as you know if you read the rest this page, i am going to see feeder and my vitriol on saturday. and i have a spare ticket. i know one person who desperately wants to go, and i know two other people who i think would really like to go, although i don't know if they *can* actually go. so the obvious thing would be to sell the ticket to the person who reeeaaaally wants to go, right? nope. because these three people all know each other. and if two hear that i sold the ticket to the other one, i'm worried they will be miffed that they didn't get a look in. i thought about offering it to all three of them at once, but that might cause arguments or bad feeling. to add to the delightful confusion, one of them is my ex-boyfriend, now my friend. if i don't offer it to him he'll think i'm miffed at him or don't want to see him, which isn't the case, and if i do, he might think i'm doing it *just* because i want to see him, i.e. still want to be with him, which is also rubbish. argh. one big gloopy horrible mess. i wish they could all come, and there's a tiny chance that they can, because i know someone else who *miiiight* have spare tickets, though he doesn't know for sure yet. but it's tricky, i've gotta give them enough advance warning. i think i will offer it to the person who reeeally wants to go, because i already told her yesterday that there was a slight chance of me getting a spare ticket, so she's sort of first in the queue really. that's fair, isn't it? isn't it??? but it still leaves the other two out in the cold, and i hate that. ohhhhh bugg�re.


wednesday 18th april 2001

today's gone nicely. despite going to bed at 4am this morning, i was up and about by midday, i'm very pleased with myself. i even managed to get some work done! well... not a lot... but some, and that's more than usual, mind.

i heard from chris today, which was lovely; i don't see or hear from him very often as he's in 3rd year uni hell in norwich, so it's always a treat to hear from him. he's one of those people whose company is always tremendously enjoyable, because he's very opinionated and confident, but friendly and understanding with it - if he was less amiable he might come across as arrogant but his perma-cheeriness blows that out of the water. i'm very annoyed that i missed him when he came down to london a few weeks ago, no-one told me he was here!!! grrrrrrrrrr.

ooooooooooh three days to go until feeder+my vitriol at the astoria; i'm really looking forward to this gig, mainly for my vitriol; and particularly because i am almost certain that it will be one of their best ever gigs. as someone who's seen them 15 times, i can say pretty safely that i've seen their ups and downs; but this gig is gonna be beautiful - for a start the first time i saw them was with feeder, at the astoria early last year; so it'll be like a total reunion or something - a lot of the people from last year are coming down this saturday in fact, so even more so. but better still, from what i've heard about this tour, mv are upstaging feeder everywhere, and getting received like kings; as someone who's seen them ignored or snubbed by lazy-assed crowds who couldn't be bothered to give a fuck, this is so fucking beautiful; i just know that they're gonna go down like stars this saturday, and they're gonna deserve it, and i'm gonna feel so so proud of them.

i'm making a t-shirt for the gig - well not making exactly, and it won't be a t-shirt - but i'm customising a black top. i'm painstakingly threading teeeeeny little beads and safety-pins and paperclips onto bits of wire in the shape of letters and sewing the letters onto the top; at this point i'm thinking it's gonna say "i am not even remotely punk-rock" - kinda a fuck-you to the nme'd-up-to-their-eyeballs music snobs who wave that irritating phrase around to prove how into it they are, maaaaaan - i'm sorry, but since WHEN have destiny's child been punk-rock??? is it just me or is/was punk all about fucking up the system, getting inside and screwing things up because [a] you can and [b] it's the only remaining alternative to becoming one of the mindless 9-5 four-bedroom-house-in-surbiton drones? admire destiny's child for their empowered-female lyrics and attitude, appreciate their vocal skills, and wank over their perfect images if you must, but they are not even remotely punk-rock; they employ rich comfy producers to enhance their already slick, in-charge sound, they're polished, rich, shiny mtv goddesses - they've gotten inside the system but they sure as hell ain't screwing it up. this isn't punk. i'm not criticising it or railing against it but punk it ain't - that's the wrong word, it seems the phrase "punk-rock" is the new "visceral". if i see alan mcgee or steven wells utter that snotty phrase one more time, i'll spontaneously combust. hence my grumpy t-shirt slogan. :)

oooooh. this has given me an idea for a new ...[bugg�re]... rant. watch this space.


tuesday 17th april 2001

yes i know it's still tuesday... but i've been to bed and back since that last entry, and i felt like writing again. you should take advantage of this you know. it's not often that i feel motivated to get off my arse and actually do something. this is a rarity. an event to be regarded with awe and noted down, placed in the pages of history for - yes well. ahem.

i should really go out. if i don't go out i'll have no breakfast for tomorrow, and then i'll be grumpy. but it's colllld out there and it's nice and warm in here and i can sit here and pretend that my reason for staying in is the mound of work that i really should be getting on with instead of writing this. you see i am a procrastinator. a prevaricator. if there's work to be done, you may be sure that it won't be me doing it. i put things off, i invent new and cheerfully pointless tasks to keep me from whatever it is i should really be doing. god knows how i've scraped through the past 13 years of education. god knows how i'll push myself through the next 3. i just don't like work. is that so terrible? i don't think i'm a bad person. just a touch lazy. it took me an hour and a half to get up this afternoon. i meant to get up at 1:30 [well i decided that when i woke up and saw that it was nearly 1:30 anyway]. at about 2.45 i actually took the decisive step of sitting up. it was only at 2:55 that i realised i'd been staring aimlessly out of the window for 10 minutes, marvelling at the new and exciting furniture/debris that appears every week in my neighbour's garden. this week it's a particularly unattractive white and green wardrobe. quite icky. but an hour and a half!!! do you see my problem???

ergh. i'm going to be decisive. i shall go out.

...[11pm]... back AGAIN. i did actually get round to going out, got a lotta stuff done, so i'm feeling quite pleased with myself. just mundane stuff, but it needed doing - food shopping, taking gig photos in for developing, and a bit of random cd shopping - i wanted to get a beta band album but the guy in sister ray couldn't find the actual cd, it had "gotten lost in our chaotic filing system". so i went looking for blonde redhead instead, a band that i've heard a lot about [very favourable feature, loving even, on bleedmusic - well it persuaded me.] ironically, after scouring berwick st, and finding nothing whatsoever, i managed to find a nice selection of blonde redhead records in hmv 5 minutes before it closed - it was chaotic in there tonight, they were setting up for an emma bunton signing. hmm. my, i AM jealous at missing that.


tuesday 17th april 2001

this isn't the first time i've attempted this. i'm not going to go into a tedious description of every failed attempt because [a] i did that last time and ended up rambling on forever and got bored and gave up the whole idea and [b] it would be boring. so. this is my... diary i suppose you would call it. i promise to update it as often as i can be bothered. i promise to be honest in everything that's written down here. i don't promise to tell you every private detail of my life and psyche, because that's my business. but what i do tell you will be the truth, and i'll try to be as open as possible because otherwise there really isn't any point in doing this.

it's about 2 in the morning. i'm putting off going to bed, because sleep, unless you dream [and i dreamt last night, a nice surreal make-no-sense dream, so i won't have another one for about 3 months] is boring. my father moaned at me an hour ago, for going to bed at 4am this morning - "you're getting nocturnal again" - what if i LIKE being nocturnal? it suits me. anyway. i'm listening to elastica's debut again and getting really really bored of it [christ has it been on since midnight? fuck that, i'll stick my vitriol on instead]. today's been better. everytime anyone asked me how i was today, i gave the answer "reeeeally really good" or similar. that was a lie, i'm not really really good, but i'm pretty good. today was certainly much better than last week which sucked on a titanian scale; i can't and won't go into why, because that would be unfair, but this week will be better. i'm starting to get something of a clue as to what i'm doing with *the* fanzine, i think maybe if i get my arse in gear i won't get shouted at after all, and maybe i might have something to show the people in charge by saturday.

something's bugging me, and i can't pin it down. what i envy is other people who've done these kind of diaries. just reading erica macarthur's online diary, she has no problem whipping out the things that elate and annoy her, and presenting them concisely and chicly for the world to see; she wears it ever so well, her diary is the literary equivalent of a modishly customised off-the-shoulder top, worn at the perfect just-so angle. i don't think i want to try and emulate that, because it would turn a simple exercise in therapeutic honesty into a more-angular-than-thou writing contest, which i really can't be fucked with. but i do envy her ability to get so directly to the point she wants to make; as my unfortunate friends know, i tend to go on and on until they beg me to cease my fucking yammering. i can't really help it; i do try, but there's always something else i want to say, and if i don't, i get everso frustrated thinking about the things i should have said, even when i know they don't need saying.

see??? first completely-random-and-pointless entry and i'm rambling already. i'm going to bed.

after i've finished listening to this song. oh father by my vitriol. fuck me, this is beautiful; the bassline just grabs you, it makes you sway involuntarily, it's so disgustingly graceful and cavernous and lovely. mmmmm. oh it's finished now. i'm off.



it will get better. i think.

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