Why is it that it's so easy to procrastinate? Why do I put things off knowing full well that I will be happier if I don't? Why do I purposefully make things harder on myself? I was supposed to study genetics on Friday and I was supposed to study genetics on Saturday, but I didn't get much done. I've decided that I'm going to finish my reading tonight even if I have to sacrifice an entire night's sleep.

Lately I haven't been very happy. I know this is because my boyfriend and I have been fighting (long distance relationships can be very hard). Usually we fight over the stupidest things. It is hard to comprehend when you are single, but starting a relationship can change everything between friends. Suddenly things that never mattered to you before become the topics of heated debates. Traits or habits you could totally accept in a friend become unacceptable. You might frequently build up a friend that has low self-esteem or laugh at a friend that likes to jokingly insult people; however, once you start going out you might find you hate building someone up or you might find insults to be more mean than funny. Suddenly everything the other person does matters and everything is more personal. It is easy to start arguing over little differences or to get irritated by them. It is much harder to work through these differences, focus on what is really important, and compromise. I would venture to say that most people go through a couple relationships before they can compromise enough to make things work.

I talked to Daniel tonight and one of the topics of our long discussions was my need for acceptance. He said that I shouldn't necessarily need compliments and that I should know that I am good enough without others telling me so. I know he is right, but I still care what others say. I still feel the need for acceptance. Someday, I hope, I will be free. Still, if that day really came, would it be healthy? I don't want to get to the point where people's opinions matter so little to me that I cease to try to make my parents and teachers proud or act in inappropriate ways toward others. I want others to matter, but I need to find a healthy balance.

One other thing we talked about was my humility. This is an interesting topic. Having been brought up by an asian mother, I have been taught to be somewhat humble. On top of that, I have learned as a defense mechanism to put down something before I give it to people to judge for themselves. This line of thinking is soo Japanese. The line "tsumaranai mono desu ga...dozo" (This is just a trifling thing, but...please take it) is someting that every Japanese person says while giving a gift. The Japanese are so humble. I mean for goodness sake, you're supposed to refuse compliments or gifts 3 times before you say 'yes' there. My Japanese book has strange example sentences of humility like "no, my son isn't talented." What American in their right mind would say that anyway? But so, I have acquired the habit of saying "here is my drawing. It's not very good, but..." or "it kinda sucks, but..." I suppose it is time I stopped doing this.

Seeing as how this has been a rather sad entry, I should talk about something positive now - Friends. Today I went out with Melissa and Michael to eat at Ken's Japanese Restaurant. It was so exciting to get off campus and to feel their acceptance and friendship. After my bad high school experience (which is really too broad a topic to discuss here) it is so great to belong to a group and to know that they want to spend time with me and think that I am important. They make me so happy I think I could cry. God bless Japanese and Anim� if only for the friends it has brought me. As for Ken's, words cannot describe how wonderful it is. As Michael said, it is my special place where I can be totally at peace.

Time for a list. I always make lists of favorite movies, things I'd like to buy someday, good things that have happened to me, etc. Today I'll make a list of things I'm happy about.

Ken's Sushi
Friends
My HUGE dorm room next year
Japanese (and kanji!)
Biochem (I'm not lying, I really do love it)
walking in the rain (oh heck, singing in the rain too)
sitting outside on a warm, sunny day
music
sleeping in
video games (yeah!)

Okay, I couldn't come up with too long a list today. I guess I must be tired. Here is the quote of the day (by Daniel)

A man's true virtue is tested at a stop sign at 3am.

Current music: Smashing Pumpkins - Drown
Current mood: depressed but hopeful
Current Characteristic: Fav recent movies are Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, Quills, and American Beauty. I am looking forward to the Final Fantasy movie and The Mummy 2

1:20pm Gulab Jaman!!

Last night I surfed around for a bit and took another step toward having more self-esteem. I read Jess's journal and clicked on some of the links that she bragged about. When I started realizing that lots of people have online journals through Live Journal or Blog, a lot of them looking even cooler than her site, I suddenly felt happy. I can do this, I thought. It is not so special after all. I will put forth the effort and my journal will be great.

But then I realized what I was saying (well, thinking. I'm not that weird) and it didn't feel so good. I was saying that my perception or my appreciation of people depends on my abilities. That is terrible. I may have more so called "self-confidence" now which is good, but I felt less appreciation for what she had done now that I felt I could do just as well or better. I'm not saying this at all like I want to, but do you understand?? Am I to strive my entire life to be better while feeling less and less appreciation for the achievements of the people around me? Does this really make me want to gain more self-confidence or acheive more?

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking this line of thinking is silly, and you may be right. After all, the initial appreciation that you give when someone seems to amazing is often because you do not fully comprehend what they have done or because you don't think you could do it. I suppose an example would be the enrichment teacher that I had who was awesome at writing but thought I was incredible because I knew how to do math. If someday he learns to do math even better than me I will not seem so special.

So is it normal to lose the feeling of awe? Yes, I suppose...but I hope that I will not lose the feeling of admiration for the effort if not the product. We are all so special and I want to remember that. Please God, let me keep my humility.

Okay, Naren has just arrived at my door. Even though I don't deserve it because I did NOT get the genetics reading done last night, I am still going to go to Sitar for lunch. Sitar is the best Indian restaurant in Nashville. So if you ever visit I would highly recommend that you stop there!

Current mood: happy about gulab jaman
Current Characteristic: Kim is too sensitive