JokesJokes
A joke collection is far better read slowly, a joke or two at a time, than all at once. It's certainly true that standup comedy and comedic theatre can be carefully crafted so that each joke builds on its predecessors. This is not true, however, with most written comedy, and it's certainly not true with a collection of jokes from hundreds of authors.
Each of these jokes was meant to be viewed on its own, by a reader with a fresh mind. Read too many jokes in a row and you get quickly bored with them, to the point that only the best ones will barely crack a smile on your face.
If you can, take a few months to read this collection. Read it a few jokes at a time, a few times a day. You'll enjoy it a great deal more.
Right now, this section is undergoing a big change. I hope you will excuse the "mess."
Love, Marriage, Divorce, and Childbirth
Anagrams:
These are exceptionally clever; whoever put this together must be deadly at Scrabble. Wait 'till you see the last one!
Dormitory
When you rearrange the letters:
Dirty Room
Evangelist
When you rearrange the letters:
Evil's Agent
Desperation
When you rearrange the letters:
A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code
When you rearrange the letters:
Here Come Dots
Slot Machines
When you rearrange the letters:
Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity
When you rearrange the letters:
Is No Amity
Mother-in-law
When you rearrange the letters:
Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms
When you rearrange the letters:
Alas! No More Zs
A Decimal Point
When you rearrange the letters:
I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes
When you rearrange the letters:
That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two
When you rearrange the letters:
Twelve plus one
And for the grand finale:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA
It can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into:
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
Answering Machine Messages:
This is not an answering machine--this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.
I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
C'mon...you can do it...just a little one. That's the way...just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon...good boy...here we go...like this--beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon...There you go!
Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.
Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!
I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.
[VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal.
[VOICE 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.
[For Shakespeare lovers only] So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange...mother...unicorn...penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.
[Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"] Leave a message...leave a message....etc.
Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72....
This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.
No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone...the telephone is next to an answering machine...you hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine...you hear a beep....
Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5...4...3...2...1...
After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.
Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll...don't even think about it!....Don't....!
I can't come to the phone now, so...hey--that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time...yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings...I might even play my beep for you...
I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this...YOW!!
Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not...er...bear a...er...shalt not witness thy...uh...neighbor's ass, oh, I mean, false...er...shalt not commit a bear...dern...
There are two rules for success in life:
Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.
Performance Review
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
"Mom" invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear me say," she replied. The daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
I knew there must've been a good reason (other than the fact that they fit better) for looking for "Made in USA" on my running shoes...
>From: [email protected]
>Newsgroups: alt.consumers,alt.consumers.experiences,misc.consumers
>Subject: Fun with Nike
>Date: Wed, 21 Feb 2001 19:51:51 -0800
Nike now lets you personalize your shoes by submitting a word or phrase which they will stitch onto your shoes, under the swoosh. So Jonah Peretti filled out the form and sent them $50 to stitch "sweatshop" onto his shoes.
Here's the responses he got.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
>From: "Personalize, NIKE iD" <[email protected]>
>To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'" <[email protected]>
>Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000
Your NIKE iD order was cancelled for one or more of the following reasons:
1) Your Personal iD contains another party's trademark or other intellectual property
2) Your Personal iD contains the name of an athlete or team we do not have the legal right to use
3) Your Personal iD was left blank. Did you not want any personalization?
4) Your Personal iD contains profanity or inappropriate slang, and besides, your mother would slap us.
If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization
please visit us again at www.nike.com
Thank you, NIKE iD
>From: "Jonah H. Peretti" <[email protected]>
>To: "Personalize, NIKE iD" <[email protected]>
>Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000
Greetings,
My order was canceled but my personal NIKE iD does not violate any of the criteria outlined in your message. The Personal iD on my custom ZOOM XC USA running shoes was the word "sweatshop."
Sweatshop is not: 1) another's party's trademark, 2) the name of an athlete, 3) blank, or 4) profanity.
I choose the iD because I wanted to remember the toil and labor of the children that made my shoes. Could you please ship them to me immediately.
Thanks and Happy New Year, Jonah Peretti
>From: "Personalize, NIKE iD" <[email protected]>
>To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'" <[email protected]>
>Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000
Dear NIKE iD Customer,
Your NIKE iD order was cancelled because the iD you have chosen contains, as stated in the previous e-mail correspondence, "inappropriate slang". If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization please visit us again at nike.com
Thank you, NIKE iD
>From: "Jonah H. Peretti" <[email protected]>
>To: "Personalize, NIKE iD" <[email protected]>
>Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000
Dear NIKE iD,
Thank you for your quick response to my inquiry about my custom ZOOM XC USA running shoes. Although I commend you for your prompt customer service, I disagree with the claim that my personal iD was inappropriate slang. After consulting Webster's Dictionary, I discovered that "sweatshop" is in fact part of standard English, and not slang. The word means: "a shop or factory in which workers are employed for long hours at low wages and under unhealthy conditions" and its origin dates from 1892. So my personal iD does meet the criteria detailed in your first email.
Your web site advertises that the NIKE iD program is "about freedom to choose and freedom to express who you are." I share Nike's love of freedom and personal expression. The site also says that "If you want it done right...build it yourself." I was thrilled to be able to build my own shoes, and my personal iD was offered as a small token of appreciation for the sweatshop workers poised to help me realize my vision. I hope that you will value my freedom of expression and reconsider your decision to reject my order.
Thank you, Jonah Peretti
>From: "Personalize, NIKE iD" <[email protected]>
>To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'" <[email protected]>
>Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000
Dear NIKE iD Customer,
Regarding the rules for personalization it also states on the NIKE iD web site that "Nike reserves the right to cancel any personal iD up to 24 hours after it has been submitted". In addition, it further explains: "While we honor most personal iDs, we cannot honor every one. Some may be (or contain) other's trademarks, or the names of certain professional sports teams, athletes or celebrities that Nike does not have the right to use. Others may contain material that we consider inappropriate or simply do not want to place on our products.
Unfortunately, at times this obliges us to decline personal iDs that may otherwise seem unobjectionable. In any event, we will let you know if we decline your personal iD, and we will offer you the chance to submit another." With these rules in mind, we cannot accept your order as submitted. If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization please visit us again at www.nike.com
Thank you, NIKE iD
>From: "Jonah H. Peretti" <[email protected]>
>To: "Personalize, NIKE iD" <[email protected]>
>Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000
Dear NIKE iD,
Thank you for the time and energy you have spent on my request. I have decided to order the shoes with a different iD, but I would like to make one small request. Could you please send me a color snapshot of the ten-year-old Vietnamese girl who makes my shoes?
Thanks, Jonah Peretti
<no response>
As one forwarder writes:
... this will now go round the world much farther and faster than any of the adverts they paid Michael Jordan more than the entire wage packet of all their sweatshop workers in the world to do... I normally avoid making a plea to pass on these things, but this time I say:
JUST DO IT
Selected by Jim Griffith. MAIL your joke to [email protected].
The offensive jokes policy is at http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/offensive.html
This joke's link: http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/01/Mar/sweatshop.html
There was a young fellow who was quite inventive and was always trying out new things. One day he thought he'd see just how fast a bicycle could go before it became uncontrollable. He asked his friend, who owned an old Mustang, if he could tie his bike to the bumper of his car to test his theory. His friend said, "Sure."
So the young man tied his bike to the back of the car and said to his friend:
"I'll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go faster, twice if I want you maintain speed, and repeatedly if I want you to slow down."
With that, off they went. Things were going pretty well, with the car driver slowly speeding up to well over 60 mph. The young fellow on the bike was handling the speed just fine. But, all of sudden, a black Corvette came up beside them and before you knew it the fellow driving the Mustang forgot all about the fellow on the bike and took to drag racing the Corvette.
A little further down the road sat Officer John in his police cruiser, radar gun at the ready. He heard the two cars before his radar flashed 105 mph.
He called into headquarters on his radio:
"Hey, you guys aren't going to believe this, but there's a Corvette and a Mustang racing out here on Highway 3, and there's a guy on a bike ringing his bell and waving his arms trying to pass!"
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked him.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents "how was I born?" "Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."
"OH," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"Oh, the stork brought us too." "Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for at least three generations."
The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. The hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times.
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Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish.
They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
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Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.
This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
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Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought My own bath-sized Dial soap, so I won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
Kindly remove them.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new chamber-maid to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. You may call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
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Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel For business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.
I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check- in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5PM.
Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
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Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-sized Dial soap is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-sized Dial! I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
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Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap! I don't want 54 little bars of Camay! I want my one damn bar of bath-sized Dial. Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Dial! Please give me back my bath-sized Dial.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-sized Dial. I was able to locate some bath-sized Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:
- On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1stack of 2.
- In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip.
May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in my safety deposit box in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American University grade their final exams:
Dept. of Statistics:
- All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
Dept. of Psychology:
- Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
Dept. of History:
- All students get the same grade they got last year.
Dept. of Religion:
- Grade is determined by God.
Dept. of Philosophy:
- What is a grade?
Law school:
- Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.
Dept. of Mathematics:
- Grades are variable.
Dept. of Logic:
- If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.
Dept. of Computer Science:
- Random number generator determines grade.
Music department:
- Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
Dept. of Physical Education:
- Everybody gets an A.
Last updated Sunday, November 04, 2001
Katie Tyson