Redneck, YFUP, Lawyers, etc.
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are in a train.
The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukraina. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle thru it. All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world are there such good cigars and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away..." Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it...
<YFUP> = Your Favorite Unidentified Person.
Well, it seems that these three fellows, an American, a German and a <YFUP>, are about to be executed in front of a firing squad. As the final hour approaches, each man is trying to think of a way to escape his inevitable doom. The time comes for the execution and the American is brought first in front of the firing squad. As the blindfold is being tied around his head, he decides that he will attempt his escape by diverting the attention of his executioners at the final moment, and then running away.
The officer in charge of the executions begins his usual, "Ready, aim..." Just before the officer finishes, the American shouts, "FLOOD!!" Startled, all of the gunmen look up from their rifles and turn around searching for the onrush of water. In all of this confusion, the American manages to take off his blindfold and run away. By the time the executioners are aware of what happened, the American has made his way deep into the woods. And, of course, for the purposes of this joke, no attempt is made to catch the runaway.
The German is called on next to appear before the squad. Seeing the American's success, the German decides to attempt a similar escape. He knows, though, that his executioners will not fall for the 'flood' trick again. Instead, he decides to use another natural disaster.
The officer in charge of the executions again begins his orders. Just before the officer finishes, the German shouts, "HURRICANE!!" Startled, all of the gunmen look up from their rifles and turn around searching for the onrush of wind. In all of the confusion, the German manages to take off his blindfold and run away. By the time the executioners are aware of what happened, the German has made his way deep into the woods. Again, of course, for the purposes of this joke, no attempt is made to catch the runaway.
The <YFUP> is called on next to appear before the squad. Seeing his predecessor's successes, the <YFUP> decides to attempt a similar escape. He knows, though, that his executioners will not fall for the 'flood' or the 'hurricane' tricks again. Instead, he decides to use another natural disaster.
The officer in charge of the executions, for the third time, starts his ordering. "Ready, aim..." Just before the officer reaches "1," the <YFUP> shouts, "FIRE!!"
A redneck wins the lottery and goes to Austin to claim his winnings. The man behind the counter verifies the redneck's ticket number and the redneck says, "I want my $20 million. Where is it?!?!?!"
The man behind the counter replies, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The redneck says, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"
A Spanish, a Frenchman, and a <YFUP> are in deep trouble with the law. Eventually it comes down to running through a farm to the forest nearby, with sniffing dogs in pursuit. The Spanish guy scrambles up one tree, the Frenchman, another, and the <YFUP>, following suit, climbs up another.
When the dogs come and stand at the foot of the tree where the Spanish guy is hiding, barking, the police think they've found their criminals. So, the chief yells, "Come down, we've got you surrounded!"
The Spanish guy, thinking fast, says "Bock bock bock bock."
The chief, discouraged, says to the dogs, "Come on, boys, it's just chickens." Then, coming upon the tree where the Frenchman is hiding, the dogs start barking again. "Come down, we've got you surrounded!" he says again.
The Frenchman says "Tweet tweet tweet!"
By this time the chief is getting really mad at the dogs, and says, "Okay boys, if you do one more trick like that, you don't get dinner." The dogs come to another tree and bark once more. "Come down, we've got you surrounded!"
The <YFUP>, thinking, okay, I can do this, says "Moooooooooooooooooooo, mooooooooooooooo."
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash--it's too plebeian--and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].
Several periods of time later--it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic--the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
A lawyer is teaching his son, Ed, about ethics.
"Ed, suppose that one day a gentleman comes into my office with a simple question. Upon answering the man's question, I charge him $100.00. He is outraged at the bill for such a simple question but agrees to pay. The man reaches in his wallet and grabs a hundred dollar bill and thrusts the money into my hand. Upon his leaving, I notice that the man has, in fact, given me two $100.00 bills.
Now, Ed, here's the ethical question: Do I share that money with my partner?"
Last updated Tuesday, August 14, 2001
Katie Tyson