Travel--camping, cars, boats, trains, planes, etc.
One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went.....
'Change course 10 degrees South.'
The reply was quickly flashed back...
'You change course 10 degrees North.'
The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further message.....
'I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South.'
Back came the reply....
'I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North.'
The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message....
'I am a 240,000 ton tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!'
Back came the reply.......
'I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!'
Rules Of The Air
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows them.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to appeal.
Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky.
Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?"
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
"And what does that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The young woman leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
A Scout Master was teaching his Boy Scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.
Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.
"Yes, Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied, "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London.
As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412, the Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
The Houses of Parliament were next on the tour- "Started construction in 1544, completed 1618" announced the cabbie. The Texan replied, "Heck, boy, we put up a hotel bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"
As they passed Westminster Abbey the cabby was silent, waiting to see how the Texan would react to the magnificent church. "Whoah! What's that over there?" the Texan exclaimed. The cabbie replied calmly, "Darned if I know, it wasn't there yesterday..."
A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!'' The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures."
"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs."
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
This from Air & Space/Smithsonian magazine:
The three-letter airport identifier for Sioux City, Iowa, under attack by state officials, will be changed. The Federal Aviation Administration has agreed that SUX is an unacceptable abbreviation for the facility.
Last updated Tuesday, June 05, 2001
Katie Tyson