School
Four high school boys (and girls) afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said:
"First Question: Which tire was flat?"
Exam Fun!!!
If you're going to go down, go down with style. Failing your final exam can actually be an amusing experience, depending on what you make of it. Here are some suggestions...
-Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
-Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
-If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
-Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
-Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
-Bring cheerleaders.
-Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
-Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.
-On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
-Bring pets.
-Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
-Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
-Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
-Come into the exam wearing a pair of birkenstocks, and nothing else.
-Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
-Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
-Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking.
-Blame it on the person nearest to you.
-As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
-Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
-Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
-Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
-Do the entire exam as if it were multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB, BABE, etc..).
-Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
-Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Screw this!" and walk out triumphantly.
-Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink).
-Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you start to hold your mouth and make "I'm about to bring something up" sounds.).
-Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
-Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
-Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
-Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
-Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
-Bring a water pistol with you. Enough said.
-From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
-Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
-If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations.
-Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
-Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
-Bring cheat sheets FROM ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out, too) and staple them to the exam with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
-When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
-After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
-One word: Wrestlemania.
-Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
-Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
-Play Frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
-Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
-Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
-During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
-Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
-Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
-Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why My Professor Sucks".
Back in the Saddle
In the first Freshman English class of the semester, the professor stated "Let us establish some examples about opposites.
Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"Fine. And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?"
"Elation," she replied with a smile.
"Very good. And you, Mr. Cates, what is the opposite of woe?"
"I believe that would be 'giddy up'"
Subject: Letter from College
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
It was finals week at the college. The students had filed into the auditorium, and picked up their test-books for the test. This particular class had been in bird biology and identification. The professor was known to give very difficult finals, and weighed them heavily in the grade.
Looking down to the table in the front of the room, the students saw several stands with stuffed and mounted birds. They could see that they were birds, as the feet were visible below the burlap sacks that had been placed over them. And beside each was a small sign with a number.
The bell rang, the professor allowed a moment for the noise to die down, and them addressed the class. "Today's final will count, as you know, for a large percentage of the grade. But the directions for the test are simple. You are to identify each of the birds on the table before you. Write the number, and the Latin and common name of the creature associated with it, on your paper. When you have completed the identifications, you may leave. Begin." With that he sat down.
One of the students, a few rows back from the front gestured for the profs attention, and asked a question, "Uh, professor, are you going to remove the sacks so we can see the birds?"
"No... If you've been following the lectures through the term, you should be able to identify each of them by its feet alone. You should have realized the areas that I was stressing, in class and in the reading assignments."
The student, becoming a little alarmed, "You mean, you expect us to be able to know one of these from the others just by its feet. That's unreasonable."
"I'm sorry you're dismayed by this test. Perhaps if you'll begin it'll go better than you expect, and then the others can begin also."
"No, this is absurd. I'm not going to take this test. This is outrageous. I'm leaving." And the student begins to gather up his pencils, and day-pack.
"If you're leaving, tell me your name, so I can mark you off in my book now, please."
The irate student, holding up his feet so the prof can see them, replies, "YOU FIGURE IT OUT!"
A professor was invited to give a speech in Japan. Aware of his reputation as a very good speaker, he was surprised that his audience did not react at all to any of his perfectly timed jokes and witticisms. In fact, the audience did not react to anything he said.
Somewhat put down, he went back to his seat and a Japanese gentleman appeared on the stage. This man had a terrific success! People laughed and applauded, although the professor could not understand one word of what was said. Still, the professor started to applaud, too, as the man evidently deserved praise for this perfect speech.
However, the professor was interrupted by the chairman of the conference: "No no, sir. You must not applaud!"
Dumbfounded he protested: "But why? This man is obviously a very good speaker."
"No sir, you must not applaud, he is translating your speech."
Lip Service
A middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in to the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
Study Time
Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."
Subject: College Entrance Exam, Football-Player Version
Time Limit: 3 WKS
Name: _____________________________
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope?
___ (a) Jewish
___ (b) Catholic
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic
(check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners
9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush: ____________________________________________
Carter: __________________________________________
Clinton: __________________________________________
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five:
11. Where does rain come from?
___ (a) Macy's
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
___ (a) New York
___ (b) Florida
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
___ (a) B.C.
___ (b) A.D.
* You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify.
Last updated Saturday, May 26, 2001
Katie Tyson