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The year 2000 in a nutshell... continued...

Saturday 21st October 2000

I am suprisingly well considering the events fo the last 3 days with the way Paul and I have argued and the fact he's cut me out of his life.

We had two blinding arguments over two days, basically because I was so hung up on him, and the fact I hated the idea of him going to Brisbane, and not being my partner - I had a brick wall in front of me that I just could not see beyond, that wall was Paul... I've now had most of that cleared and I can see Gareth for who he is to me.

As a friend put it so clearly (thanks Fog) ABOUT BLOODY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love is Blinding.

I just made Paul the centre of my universe and it was like a brick wall.

I am glad Paul has done that to me...

BUT...

I need Paul as a friend still, and I need to be his friend, and to love Paul as a friend, as well as be a friend to Alex also.

I want to tell Paul I am not angry any more that he has cut me out of his life, as it helped to slap me about the face and help me sort my feelings out. I would appreciate being able to talk to Paul in a month or so and see how things are. I care about Paul as a friend, my friend.

I'm currently writing a letter to Paul... here's the draft of it.

----
Dear Paul

I cannot apologuise enough for all the hurt, pain and grief I have given you over the past month.

I fell in love with you and to be honest could not see beyond that. It was tearing me apart, and it was damaging my own sanity, physical well being, and the relationship I have with Gareth.

I hope that you will eventually talk to me as a friend, and nothing more, and I respect your request for not having me stay at your place.

Your reaction actually was what I needed. I finally got you angry enough to tell me in the way I needed to hear, that I had no way of being in your life as anything more than a friend.

I described what has happened to my counsellor yesterday, and I said it was like a brick wall had been broken down, the brick wall between myself and Gareth. I chould not see over or around it, my blindness was so complete, I did not know where to go.

It was not your fault at all Paul, just I was not willing to accept it as my problem.

I still care about you, what happens to you, where you are, and how you are going.

I care that you and Alex have a happy and wonderful life.
----

So, what are my plans now?

Grieve a little, yes... Look at Gareth in new light, and take the rose tinted glasses off everyone elses faces as well... Discuss Gareth and I with each other, where we go, how we go about rebuilding, how we intereact with others, and so on. Get work sorted, and soon. Plan for the future, and get my will done.

Think they will keep me busy.

HUGS for now

Ady

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