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The year 2000 in a nutshell... continued...
News: 17th October 2000
Not much has happened in the last couple of weeks. I've found that my drugs are slowly taking effect, then all of a sudden I feel crap again. The doctor has me on sick leave for a while due to the work based depression I am suffering. So here I am. The clients I have are worried, but there is not much I can do.
Wednesday 18th October 2000
I'm losing the one man I have loved above all for the last two years, Paul, to some upstart (Alex) who knew exactly what I wanted. Even worse, Paul knew I wanted to be with him, just my fucking own stupidity at the respose I would get from people at leaving Gareth. This was the ONLY FRIGGING reason I will lose the man I love.
Paul told me he could never ask me to leave Gareth, the thing is he never would have had to, and I think he never realised that!
My relationship with Gareth has been pretty rough for the last two years. I've tried my hardest to revitalise it, but each time they failed. I had "I dunno why" to many parts of the relationship, sex included. Sure we work well in the home, but there seems to be a distance now.
When there was the threat of Gareth losing me to Paul, it seems that effort was made, but by then my depression was becoming so bad that I had to start on drugs. Work was affecting home life and my ability to handle anything.
I'm now on Aropax and have been for almost 60 days. They are screwing me around to put it mildly, and add to that, the pressure of trying to deal with losing Paul has made me so bi-polar in my mood. It could be said I am going through a manic depressive period.
I've probably made the biggest blunder so far in ringing Paul and telling him I cannot live without him. And in many respects that is 100% correct. I have no life left now. I have no will to live.
All I do know is that my heart just keeps failing, the only reason it beats is because I hold onto the faint hope that I will be able to live with Paul.
If not... I'm lost to this world.
Why... When you get people saying this to you... bloody hell the last line is true. (MrXYZ is used to keep this anonymous)
<MrXYZ> I love u and think ur a super guy
<Ady> thanks matey
<MrXYZ> its true ur a great guy
<MrXYZ> with a great sensitivity to and for people
<MrXYZ> and people like u alwsys end up getting hurt
<MrXYZ> love u heeps
Most nights from the 4th October, I've done the following, as I expressed it to a friend online...
Hi MrPQR - had a better day today...
but as I said to gareth
I feel brighter today coz I went to sleep thinking of Paul, remembering his smells the feel of his body asn i snuggled into it, and the warmth etc... and I was nuzzling and cuddling pillows as I did that and fell asleep
It has given me a warm and able-to-cope feeling
Most would say that is stupid, but at least Gareth has understood, and I have coped without crying today
I'm not able to live this any more, I need ANSWERS not "it takes time to heal" and "you need to get off this circle as you're never gonna get anywhere".
How do you get off the circle?
I NEED ANSWERS not fucking "it takes time" and other total BULLSHIT that everyone seems to tell me.
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Copyright 2000 Adrian Gould, All rights reserved. All copyrights acknowledged
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