Real men:
...think romance is watching them drink beer.
Afterglow is listening to them snore.
...spray dirty socks to mark their territory.
...think saying "Wanna do it?" is a turn on to a woman.
...think a quickie starts with "Hop on."
...will let the cat lick his face and the dog slobber on
him but won't hold hands with his women.
...can't stand to eat dinner out
alone with the woman he eats and sleeps and snores with.
...expect you to "ooh and aah " when
they want to show you something,
but when you want to show them something they say "Can't you just tell me?"
...feel smothered if you care enough to ask what they are doing.
...think a love story is when the action adventure hero gets some in the middle of all the danger.
Real men:
...will have the
kitchen full of clutter and be gone
when you get home and need help with and a
place to set the groceries.
...think the more dishes they dirty
the better job they have
done.
Then
they think you should clean up because they did the 'hard' part.
...will arrive in the kitchen for a snack
the minute
you finish polishing the last dish, mop the floor and turn of the light for the
night.
...will gag and go into convulsions if they find a sliver of a shell in their eggs.
...use dirty dishes as knick-knacks and bric-a-brac around the house.
...can close a baggie, for refrigeration, with more than
the maximum allowable air psi.
...say getting groceries is no big deal,
but only once in
a blue moon will they go with you and throw stuff in the cart you push,
hand
you the credit card as they leave to pull the truck up
so you can load
the groceries
and disappear as soon as you get them home.
No big deal! What's so hard about that?
...will always want the one thing you did not buy at the store.
...never eat cake until you throw it out, then they 'only wanted one piece'.
...will be glad to tell you what you are doing wrong while cooking or during any other activity.
...don't like to finish a bottle of anything before opening the next.
...like the feel of crunchy mud, under their feet, on the carpet and sticky "stuff" on the kitchen floor.
...when shopping, want to see what they want to see.
Then, they want to go.
...think shelves contain only what's visible in front.
...think lids and caps are "Discard after opening""
...can't fit a toothbrush handle into the little hole on the
toothbrush holder
that is made to hold toothbrushes.
...want to save that toothpaste spit on the side of the
sink.
Whisker stubble is also a valuable keepsake if stored on the sink.
...think tubes read: "For best results squeeze and twist from center."
...think you can't possibly fix the toilet. Only they can - but they won't.
...can not get a towel from the top of the stack without unfolding the next two.
..consider themselves fair to good athletes.
consider
themselves fair to good athletes,
but they can't hit a 2' by 3'
ricochet-proof goal sitting on the floor,
nor clear a 1/8" rug with their
feet.
...will use your perfumed-only-for-a-Christmas-
present-it's-so-expensive powder
with the frilly powder puff before they will use the and Men's-in-a-bottle powder.
...will not, under any circumstances, put toilet paper on the holder.
...think that the toilet seat belongs up!
...will, before entering the shower,
leave it running
for a time equal to the time
they spend actually TAKING the shower.
...think toweling off in the shower is harmful to the rug.
...don't like to finish a bottle of anything before opening the next.
...have no need of a washcloth when taking a shower.
...will ask you for this and that,
while both of you
are getting ready to leave,
and when he has everything he asked you for, will
say,
"You aren't ready yet?"
...know what you are thinking!
No, you are wrong, they
know and they are right!
Don't even try!
...think the shoe closet is in the middle of the living room.
...don't know that drawers and light switches work two ways.
...think bedtime and bus time are the best times to play with the kids.
...will let you warm up their car in ten degree weather,
but not even sit in the driver seat any other time.
...think dropping the car off for repairs is woman's work.
...would never program a VCR or set the clock,
not
because they could never figure it out,
but because they just don't need it.
...are grouchy unless they have a phone in their
ear.
...regardless of the extra 8-10",
can still wear the same size pants that they wore in high
school.
...don't feel like doing anything unless one of the guys
call.
...have a real talent for leaving both gas tanks on empty
at any given time.
...can make exactly the same annoying sound
or do exactly
the same annoying thing you do, but when they do it,
it isn't annoying.
...complain, "If you'd left it where I put
it"
(the middle of the floor)
"I'd know exactly where it is".
**Note:
An item being in it's proper
place
only guarantees that he won't find
it.
...will destroy the same amount of trees as a small
twister
if they get their hands
on a chain saw.
...tell you when they are going out and expect you to ask to go out.
...follow a strict schedule of reading the
newspaper - as soon as you throw it out.
After you've packed the entire
family for a two week vacation,
cleaned the house, fixed lunch then washed
the dishes,
bathed the dog and took him to the neighbors,
stopped the mail
and the papers then loaded the luggage in the car,
he can't
believe you didn't notice he ran it through the car wash.
...will not hold hands after your first date.
...don't literally mean, nor do they care, "Where is my -------?" Literally, they want you to get it.
...get the sniffles and act like they are the
first to ever suffer with this rare deadly disease.
...will spare you from having to listen to any phone messages that are for you.
...will watch amateur ballet hour on PBS rather than look for the remote control.
...mean everything they say... always!
Thus the reason no apology results from utterances during a fight.
...have never been wrong in their entire life,
except that one time they thought they were wrong.
...won't look at instructions unless there are
pictures.
Then that's all they do look at, but not in printed order.
...won't look at a map and if they did they would be
lost.
...like to wear the one item that they also like to keep
hidden
out in the garage behind the deep freeze on wash day.
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