~Fiona's Journey~
*Please note Fiona's posts will appear with the most recent at the top to read earlier posts please scroll down.
I have decided to continue to write in Joshua's site, for although he is no longer with us, his life continues to touch so many. I also have been on so many sites where you want to know how people coped with such grief, and came through the other side. Those brave enough to write , really gave me hope as I read their words, they also have made me feel what I was feeling was normal and I wasn't going completely around the bend! Finally I just find it easier to put my thoughts into words, so it takes away much of the stress of having to speak to you all on the phone and repeat myself, also going over it is sometimes upsetting so is easier to do on the web! Please forgive me! One day I will talk!!!! just for now I still need space and time to deal and cope the way that I feel most comfortable with!
Also note that Fiona's Journey will be kept with each month here, to view earlier posts just click the month you wish to read.
*October 2003 *November 2003 *December/January 2003/04 *February 04 *March 04 April/May 04 *June/October 04
Happy Second Birthday Joshua James!
For Joshua,
It hardly seems possible as I sit here and type this, that it has been two whole
years since you came into our lives, so gently and for such a short space of
time, little one.
We still think of you every single day and talk about you so much. You are still
part of our lives and are included in so many of the things that we do each day.
I could never have imagined how much your live and death could have affected us
all so profoundly, and have such a long lasting grief process and healing my
darling. These past two years have been filled with just so much. The joy of
your birth! Holding you at last after all the speculation. The utter sadness at
your untimely death, and the very long dark months after you died. For me,
finding some sort of meaning for why you came into my life, yet left so quickly,
and then trying to learn how to live again, and cope with the huge gap, that
your absence has brought. The charity that we have started in your memory, and
all the wonderful people who have helped and supported us doing this. The people
who we have been able to help and to support, and the friends we have made
through our shared grief. Going back to working again, and learning how to cope
in front of classes and staff, when the pain of loosing you hits me like a
stone, watching your brothers and sisters grow up and reach the milestones that
you never had the opportunity to reach and trying to remember you in positive
and meaningful ways!
For all the changes your life and death has brought within my life, I will
always thank God for you being there. You have, and continue to teach me so much
Joshua, and as I read out at your leaving service, I again look forward to the
day, when we are reunited, never again to be parted.
Until then, my cherished one. This brings all my love to you, and the love of
your Daddy, and brothers and sisters who just miss you so much.
Mummy
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For my friends
My dear friend Leah sent me this the other week.
My Mum is a survivor: Author unknown
My Mum is a survivor, or so I've heard it said.
But I hear her crying at night when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving Mum, who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others...a smile of disguise.
But through Heaven's door I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My Mum tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows it is her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving Mum...through Heaven's open door,
I try to tell her that angels protect me forever more.
But I know that doesn't help her or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her...And show her that you care.
For no matter what she says...no matter what she feels.
My surviving Mum has a broken heart that time won't ever heal!
~author unknown
I will not brush over the fact that at times I still find loosing Joshua extremely hard indeed. There is no point in saying I am fine, it's unreality, and will not help anyone else who is suffering the loss of a child.
I thank you all, from the bottom of my heart for all of your continued support over these past two years, even if I don't often say so, every kind letter, gift, email and talk I'd appreciated. Just the fact that so many of you still mention Joshua's name is appreciated.
I think of him everyday. You are not going to upset me by talking of him at all, quite the opposite, for me he is real, and still part of my family and my life. I still refuse to say I only have 7 children, for I do not, I have 8, just one isn't right here.
I still feel that so many people feel uncomfortable with the death of a child. I am glad that through running the charity I have had the opportunity to speak at study days and in front of so many people. Maybe I have made a small difference to a few people, I hope so!
Life does amazingly carry on for us all. I remember at first how much I hated this, I wanted to scream and shout and stop the world. I wanted everyone to suffer the enormity of pain that I had, or at least acknowledge mine. This is now no longer the case. For the most part I carry on fine, doing my job, running the house and the charity with of course, Simon's support and endless help. However their are still times when for no reason Joshua's loss hits me so hard, I feel I am almost back to where I was. These times are almost harder to deal with now, than they were right at the beginning.
Thank you
all for bearing with me. My journey has only yet begun. I wonder what the next
year will hold ?
With my love and thanks to you all,
Fiona
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