~Fiona's Journey~
~April/May~
*Post read with the beginning of the month at the bottom through to the last at the top.
27TH MAY 2004
ABIE REVISING ..NOT!!!
What a busy week-again. Abie has just started her GCSE�s now, any more laid back and she would be horizontal! I was far more worried than she was! It is really odd having her at home now revising, but nice to have the company as well. She is delightful to talk to and we always have a laugh, well until I tell her to tidy her bedroom that is! I thought a lot this week about my two friends in Australia, who lost babies to HLHS this time last year. One in particular, Leah, has become one of my closest friends over these difficult months and it was so hard to not be there for her this week. I think this is the time we all really dread, the first anniversary of our beloved babies birth and death, I know I am and its still a few months away. It was such a joy when she rung me on Darcy's birthday for a chat! Thanks Leah! Again much of the week was busy doing things for Joshua�s Boxes as well as preparing for an interview I have in London next week. I have long felt that since Joshy died I needed to do something different for a while and now an opportunity has presented itself and I feel its the right thing for me to do at this time. Will let you know how it all goes! Joshua again is changing my directions and my paths.
THINKING OF YOU LEAH, STEVEN, ANNA-JAYNE AND DARCY
20th May 2004
Again this week was spent mainly doing all the other bits and bobs that need doing and setting up in order for us to get going properly when we find out in a couple of weeks if we have got charity status and if its all going through. If it is then we will open our new site, for Joshua�s boxes which me and my dear friend Vicky in the Orkney Islands have been working on for some time. Vicky is one of the ladies who inspired me so much to start thinking about ways I could help others after the sad and sudden loss of her son Thomas at 31 weeks on New Years Day 2004. Please read her beautiful web pages on http://www.babythomas.co.uk/. I am so glad we can do this together, as it is as much hers as it is mine. Thank you Vicky, for your wonderful friendship, love and advice to me this year, you are a true blessing.
ABIE'S LAST DAY AT SCHOOL
13th May 2004
After the church meeting and the response we had from this, over �500 in pledges and support-THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! That I decided to really press ahead with applying for the charity status I had considered for quite a while. As Joshua�s Boxes has grown and more ladies want to be involved so there needs to now be an order in place, so everyone knows where they stand and we can be as effective as possible. So Most of this week was spent filing in forms and setting up bank accounts, the bank manager has now developed a nervous twitch every time I come into the branch! The paper work is endless, and I spent the week with it strewn over the whole of the lounge whilst I got my head around it all. I felt like I had almost done a condensed law degree by the end of it. Finally on May 19th I proudly handed it all in to a Member of Status in Liverpool. I was so proud of all we have managed to achieve and to all my amazing friends and acquittances who through pledges and support raised the phenomenal �1, 600 in just over a week. Thank you all so much! You are amazing, thank you for believing in me, and all we can achieve through this charity.
6th May 2004
Another busy, busy week. I was asked to speak again about Joshua�s Boxes, this time on Sunday to the whole of the church as many had missed the family meeting. We have done a flier for the notice sheet as well as lots of ways that people can help. Nerve wracking again, especially as you are aware of all the mum�s with babies sitting there, but again it went very well, and everyone was very positive. Thank you Joshy! I went up to the mountains wit Jono at the end of the week as I had been so busy I just felt I needed some Joshy and Jono time. We had a lovely day, I felt very weepy so it was good to get away where I could be alone for a while, lost in my thoughts. We found a lovely little shop where they sold lots of bits and bobs and we found some fun things to put in Joshua�s garden which as you can see is looking pretty crowded now. Thankfully his stone should not be much longer in coming now.. yippee, although I have grown rather fond of my makeshift one!!!! I am now looking into again the possibility of making Joshua�s boxes a charity then I can help a lot more ladies to do this where they live as well, eventually reaching as many hospitals as we can. Already I know of about 5 ladies doing these boxes in their locality, which is so good to know. Joshua would be 8 months old next week. How weird to think about all I am busy doing now, without him, none of this would have happened. I feel in many ways his being born and dying was for a purpose. My life did stop, my priorities completely shifted, and now I seem to be going off in a totally new and different direction. One that is very strange and unfamiliar, so this really is my journey! Thank you Joshua, for opening my eyes.
April 29th 2004
I spent a large part of this week preparing for a short presentation that I had been asked to do at our Church Family meeting on Wednesday night. I really wanted to get it right, to convey how much Joshua meant to us, without being sloppy or emphasising the points to strangers, and also to talk about Joshua�s boxes and hopefully raise support. I prepared a slide show on my laptop as well as I feel that pictures convey a message the words simply cannot. I was soooooo nervous. I desperately didn't want to cry as I didn't feel it was appropriate at this time. Well I managed it really well in front of about 100 people! I managed to talk about Joshua and our appeal and then retreat whilst the slide show was played amidst lots of sniffing! Best still at the end the collection raised �122 for Joshua�s boxes, I was so thrilled. When I was speaking I just kept saying to myself, �This is for you son�! I can do so very little for him, one nights stress was defiantly worth it. So many people came up to me and said that it was just right, not too emotional, but bearable for them to watch, and how touching it had been. I raced out the next day and was able to buy lots more boxes, teddies and cameras and cards, so hopefully the next batch of boxes will be ready to deliver soon. Much of the rest of the week, I have spent typing letters to hundreds of organisations, doctors, etc, raising support and letting people know what we are trying to do. The other project I am trying to get underway is to develop a baby garden in the local Crematorium as there is not one there at present. Many years ago, I was involved in doing the same in Chester, so hopefully this will be another way of easing others pain.
April 22nd 2004.
Joshua has been gone now for seven whole months. Jono started nursery this week, the children went back to school, and after being ill for so long, Simon returned to work. It all hit me like a sledge hammer and I have spent most of the week in tears. I missed Simon so desperately, and the children's laughter, I missed Jono, and worse still I felt so bereft walking home by myself, just so dreadfully aware that I should be pushing Joshua home, ready to have some time with him. I have never been in this position before. Whenever I have had the toddler go to Nursery I have always had a baby at home to care for, this is so new to me, so strange. I have got very cross at times and angry that my baby SHOULD be here, with me. Instead I come home alone, tend his grave, do all the jobs, breathe, and try to get on with life, try to convince myself, unsuccessfully that there is a purpose to all this pain. Thankfully I have been busy as I have to apply for some jobs and do some exams, I find though that it is still a real effort to get motivated at all. I loved the days when Jono was at home, and we had a wonderful day together on Friday when he doesn't go to Nursery. We just went out to the mountains and to the play parks and had a fun time. I try hard to never loose sight of just how fortunate I am to have him, and all my other children, it doesn't compensate in any way for loosing Joshua, but they help me cope and give me a reason to keep going on the really bad weeks. I love you all so very much!
April 15th 2004
This week is a bit like Christmas was with babies, only in the respect that everywhere I turn its all about a son dying! Church was very hard, so was doing all the Easter things with the kids, taking photos. making memories, except always being aware that someone is missing. I did however appreciate in a new way just what Easter does mean, and felt much closer to God than before, because I felt he really does understand what it is like to lose a son and the pain of that separation, expect that he CHOSE to do it, what a sacrifice that is, had I had the choice to save Joshua and know as everyone would, you would do absolutely anything within your power to save him. So Easter did have much more meaning for me this year , on a much deeper level than before. We went finally to the hospital on Easter Monday. It was very hard, and I always find it upsetting, but in the same way I feel I must do this, to remember and to honour Joshua's life. We went, just like we did at Christmas to the Hospital Chapel and laid a card there for Joshua's first Easter and also a candle. We also made a card for all my other precious friends who are sharing this journey with me, and their babies as well...I really love and appreciate you all sooooo much! We then went to the Central Labour Suite, where we were amazingly received! I thought we would be hurried through and seen as rather a nuisance, but it was the exact opposite. They were so welcoming to us, paid so much attention to the boxes that we had brought and to each of the children as they gave in their box. I was really touched and so were the kids. We explained how we wanted the boxes to be used and also how to contact us when they need more, and the sister in charge just thought what a marvellous idea they were. It really cheered me up, to know how much Joshua's brief life has been able to really help and to touch others . All the kids came away so excited and ready to make up more boxes as soon as we can. Please, if you can help in anyway with these boxes, then email me, and let me know. Until next week. Fiona
April 8th 2004
Emotionally, I found this week very hard for many, many reasons. For the first time in ages, I really found myself crying quite hard at times, and that old, awful aching pain came back again. I know this will happen again and again, its just so hard to get on with every day life when it does, I found myself dragging through each miserable day, being cheerful and doing all our Czech Traditions with the children, yet my mind was with Joshua, far away in another place where I cannot be reached. So I made painted eggs, decorated our Easter Tree, did gingerbread biscuits and made our cards, all whilst feeling so violently that Joshua should be here! Last year we all laughed that next Easter I would be chasing around with a baby, this year, we are back as we were, sometimes I almost feel like he was never here at all, it was all so brief, just a moment in time. I find when the grief hits so hard, I crawl back into my shell where I want to communicate with no one, mainly because some of the things you think are either to difficult to vocalise, or just too painful. I am also aware that now, 7 months on, I may get the "get a grip" or "aren't you over it yet?" reactions from all but a few close friends. That does hurt, I guess to all outsiders life goes on, they see or understand so little of the daily inner torment you feel. Things that caused me pain, are so insignificant to most, laying away Jono?s trike, knowing Joshy will never ride on it, buying the Karaoke machine knowing Joshy will never sing on it. Putting old photos of the kids in albums, knowing we will never watch Joshy grow, or have the opportunity to take photos of him, celebrating Easter, having our Easter egg hunt, knowing he should be here with us....and so, as ever the list goes on. We are going to the hospital again at Easter with cards and candles for the Chapel as well as the first batch of Joshua's Boxes to hand out in The Central Labour Suite. I need more money to buy boxes and Camera's for the next batch so will look into fundraising when the kids go back to school. If you look on Joshua's Boxes Site soon, you will see updates of all we have done. This week, Big thanks to Meryl, for knitting loads of little hats, and Jayne, her daughter for knitting two beautiful blankets. Every donation is such a blessing to us, and will be such a blessing to another family as well. Please email me, if you want to help with these boxes!
Friday 2nd April 2004
Very busy week so I am later in writing. Some good days and some where I felt pretty grim, mainly because I just missed Joshua being with us so much. It was Jonathan's third birthday this week, again so bitter sweet as last year on his birthday I was four months pregnant and just so pleased.....two weeks later we had the devastating news that changed our lives forever. I had decided that I did not want to mirror last year in anyway as it would just be too painful, so we took Jonathan to the zoo instead. It was a lovely sunny day and he just had such a fantastic time chasing around that I almost forgot feeling so sad that Joshy wasn't there to enjoy it, I guess some days I have been so absorbed in just coping with my grief I have often overlooked just what an absolute joy Jono is to be with. The day before we went to Port Merion with him. Its a beautiful village, where no dogs or cars are allowed so instead of sitting in his buggy Jono run around like a looney. I ended up pushing an empty buggy and just felt so sad that Joshy wasn't sitting in there, it just felt sooooo empty, accentuated by the fact that everyone else seemed to have a baby and a toddler, my baby was so painfully missing. Thankfully I only had to go to work one day this week so we just enjoyed the sunshine of the other days and have made the most of this, as so often it has been wet and rainy. Today, Miriam was off school so we went for a lovely walk in the mts. The weather held, and I always feel much closer to Joshy there so I felt much better for going out. As April rolls on, I am aware the first of the firsts will really kick in, often I find the day is not as bad as the build up itself, and the dread. Most days are survivable now, I still get those moments when something will remind me and my eyes begin to sting, I still find it hard when people forget or are, for no fault of their own, insensitive, but for the most things are copeable. Next week we hope to finish the first boxes and hand them into the hospital. I have been so blessed by the kind offers of help, money and time that I have received. One kind lady who heard about what I was doing through a friend of a friend, crotched 10 blankets! Thank you Gwyenne, There's a photos of them below. Others have generosity knitted hats. thanks Meryl! collected cuddlies..Thanks Mary! stitched cards, Thanks Leah from Australia!! and given money, Thanks Barry and Chris and my Mum! Other ladies on internet sites want to do his boxes in other parts of the country, this is so good to know that more ladies will be blessed with these. Doing positive things really does help to still keep bitterness from my door. I have a few other ideas up my sleeve as well...but I will tell you more about that another time.
Happy 3rd birthday Jono
Gwyenne's blankets
