~Fiona's Journey~

Entries from June to October 2004

24th September 2004

Phew, what a hard week emotionally have had to go to work this week, which I found difficult to concentrate on with everything else, I am still finding working very stressful at times. I have a violent hate for my birthday still, because it was so near to Joshua�s death and the day before his funeral, it gives me very little pleasure to think of it or wish to celebrate it in any shape or form. I played it down so much that only the older ones remembered, and gave me cards, I was thankful. Simon was sensitive as well and said he would buy me something at another point in time, for that I am glad. It was nice to receive some very sensitive cards filled with people wanting to express their love to me, but also realising what a difficult day this would always be now. Thank you, you know who you are! The day was very busy as I had a training day, so it wasn't till later on I had time to relax. We took the children too the beach when Si got home as it was such a beautiful sunny evening. Walking along the beach enjoying the late September sun, I was suddenly aware of how far we have all come this year, how much we have survived and grown, and how we have all coped. There were some points at which I felt last year we were all falling apart and our lives would never pick up again, that nothing would ever give us much pleasure, but looking back now, a year on, I can see that has changed, so slowly that you are not really aware of it very much at all. As I walked along I wished with all my heart that I was holding Joshua in my arms, that we could enjoy watching him develop from a baby to a toddler, imagining what he would look like and all his little characteristics. It is just so natural to talk about him as a family in this way. He is part of us, and always will be, he is just growing up in a different place, a little out of our comprehension and our reach. I miss you so much Joshua!

19th September 2004

I felt very upset when I woke up this morning as all the memories of this time last year came crashing in around me as soon as my brain regretted that I was, unfortunately awake and this was not just a long dream, as I still sometimes hope that it is, unrealistic I know! The memories of this day are so visibly etched on my mind that its very hard to switch off, and neither do I want to, I am so glad that I have the capacity to remember so much! I tried hard not to time watch, but it was inevitable, as the morning wore on towards 11.28am when he died, I knew I would be devastated, and I was. Its just such a very hard thing to ever get your head around, no matter how many times you try, to watch your baby die is still something I struggle with, no one should have to endure this, to love someone so much and then to have to let them go so quickly will take forever to comprehend and deal with I feel at times like this. At least I got my tears over with early so that when we were out at the beach I was able to enjoy watching the children release their balloons up to heaven, I hope that Joshy appreciated all the effort and love of those balloons and precious messages to him. As always we collected stones to remember the day and to put in his garden. The it was a mad dash home, changed and off to Wrexham, Maelor Hospital, for the Baby Memorial Service at 3pm.Amazingly for us, we were early!!!!Not a Beavan family trait I have to say. The chapel was beautiful and there was a large table laid ready for us to display all of the boxes and leaflets about the charity. The service was beautiful and I hope that what I said would help and touch peoples hearts. It seemed to anyway, and amazingly I managed to get through without crying, I actually felt well in control and actually excited that I was doing this for Joshua on his special day, honouring him in this way, I am glad that I went! The children all lit candles and took away things to remember as well, I know that in each of their own ways they find these things a comfort as well. We had so many positive conversations afterwards, and I felt so encouraged that the hospital was so enthusiastic about the boxes. We hope to deliver 30 there in the next few weeks. So many ladies approached me and emphasised how they wished they could have had a box and some things to remember their baby by, that I know we are doing the right thing starting our charity. These sort of comments clarify this again and again. Once home it was time to get everyone ready for school and work so there was not much time to think, quietly as I wandered around the house later that night, I was pleased at all we had done, and felt amazed that I had survived it so well, I think the build up was far worse. It is still hard to think of spending the rest of my life without Joshua, and as each month passes there is still a part of me that feels he is getting farther away from me and my memories, it is still hard to let go.

18th September 2004

A busy day today as all the swimming and Ballet lessons began again after the long summer break. I often find within all the business its so hard to have time for Joshua, and to think the things through that I sometimes want to. When I do get the time, its just to painful so I busy myself! Just cant seem to strike the right balance there. Went back to the balloon shop and got a fresh set of balloons ready to launch tomorrow to remember Joshua, on the day he died. I am beginning to wonder about my sanity in agreeing to do the address at a memorial service the day he died. it all seemed like such a good idea, now I am not so sure that I can cope with it all. The evening was spent making sure that everything was all ready for tomorrow and everybody's outfits were washed and ironed. Eventually I had some time with Simon and time to talk and quietly remember our special little boy!

7th September 2004

Today Simon had to go back into work, which was very hard as we had planned to have this day together as well. I spent the morning with Jono and we tended Joshua�s garden and also went to the beach for a little while and collected stones and shells for his stone. Jono talks about Joshua all the time now, as if he really knew him well and brings him into everyday conversations, I am so glad that he does this as I was so scared that he would have little or no memory of him at all. It was a strange feeling to know that this time last year we had had such terrible news about Joshua�s condition. I felt so out of control this time last year, whereas now, there is just a calm peace instead, thank God. I was glad that Simon came home early and we were able to take the kids out for a while together. Doing things as a family has helped so much to give me the strength that I have needed to cope this year.

16th September 2004

 Happy First Birthday Joshua! I cannot believe that a whole year has passed since I held you in my arms little one. It is amazing that I can remember everything about you still so clearly, how you smelt, the beautiful fuzz buzz hair that you had that I used to Bury my face into, your little hot hands and big feet, everything still so vivid, so tangible, so real, so hard to believe that you are gone. every single moment that I spent with you, is held within my heart forever. I hope that you are proud of all that we have done, in your memory Joshua, you taught us so many valuable lessons , to appreciate so much more than I did before I had you. To make the most of time, and to defy it in so many ways. But most of all you opened my eyes up to the fact of how many others have to suffer in this way, and to try to help them in some small way if we can. Your memory will always be so precious and so special. You are safe in a place where that cannot alter nor be changed. You are my beautiful baby boy, my secret if I wish, my joy if I choose to share you. We will love and remember you forever Joshua, and always thank God for bringing you into our lives. Mummy xxxxxxxxxxxxx Wow! what a lovely day we have had. I thought it would be so sad, but it was so busy and filled with such lovely memories of darling Joshua. We had a lot of post this morning, we all opened it sitting in bed as everyone had a day off work and school for Joshua�s Birthday. We received some lovely cards and emails and lovely presents as well, flowers from my midwife, an angel teddy from my friend Leah in Australia, and another angel teddy and hand stitched pillow from my friend Jayne, it was so lovely that Joshua was remembered, and made me feel how very special he was to others as well. The children loved to open all his presents and his cards. I went out and got the balloons and everyone wrote a message on a love heart cards and then we took some photos, had lunch and headed off to the mountains where we released the balloons which was great fun as one did a nose dive into the lake and we spent ages chasing after it! I was so glad the weather was dull and rainy and not hot and sunny like last year. Susie said that she thought that God was crying with us , just like the day that Joshua died when it suddenly began to rain....I felt this too! We had a lovely tea and all gathered around the table with Joshua�s Silver bear and his photo and sang happy birthday to him. I thought that it would feel really odd, but it didn't , it felt really very natural. I had been dreading this day for so long now, but actually it was just such a lovely day, we were all together talking and reminiscing about Joshua, very special indeed.

7thSeptember 2004

 Everyone went back to school last week and this week. Jono doesn't start nursery for a week or so yet so at least I have a little time with him. I found the first few days very very hard and came home and cried for most of them, I just missed my kids, my husband and my old life so much. I still find there are times where I want to resist and fight still all that has happened, to cry out like a petulant child �its not fair! I want my old life back, not this one!" I fight the fact that my life has changed forever now and there is absolutely nothing that I can do about this. On the first day of school I stood in the playground and watched all the new mums come in with the new babies born over the summer. It felt like the whole playground was filled with babies and Jono and Martha were dashing around cooing over them all-IT HURT! I was one of those mums last year, standing there all pregnant and ready to give birth, now I was standing there feeling so empty inside, the fact I had nothing felt so clear to me, although to anyone else it was probably not obvious at all. In fact one of Martha�s friends mum commented how nice it was to see me with a smile on my face again...if only she knew how skin deep it was! I tried so hard to think about Joshua and to get things organised for his birthday but it is also Miriam�s Birthday as well, so I had to put most of my time and energy into arranging things for her party and birthday this week instead. After this was over I had a few days to try to get my head around it all. It was like some day's being completely transported back to last year, the memories were just so vivid. I have tried so many times to push these from my mind as often they are too painful to dwell on, but now , slowly I allowed myself to think of them, again, to read the journals that I wrote from the moment the diagnosis was made to Joshua�s Birth and death, To look at all the photos and all the little things I had kept, his monitor sticky bits, his clothes and his teddies. Just so painful but so cherished and so very loved. They are him, and they are all I now have of him. I went out with Jono the day before Joshua�s birthday and we got some lovely plants from the garden centre as well as a couple of new ornaments as well for around his stone. It looked really good and I was pleased that everything had flowered ready for his special day. My heart is breaking all over again.......

23rd August 2004

This week saw us all back again in St Mary�s Hospital Manchester, to deliver a further 25 boxes there. The children all helped put all the boxes together this time and really enjoyed packing them all up and delivering them to the hospital. I think in their young ways they do understand why we are doing this and want to be involved for Joshua�s memory. They were just so excited when we arrived. The hospital bereavement staff were fantastic and showed them all the different rooms in Special Care, from �the high intensity rooms� to the �nearly ready to go home� ones. They were so pleased to get the boxes and really have needed them in Manchester, so at least we know that we are providing something valuable and practical as well. It helps so near to Joshua�s Anniversaries to know that we are doing something so positive in his memory, it helps me to cope with the huge loss that I still feel so tangibly each day. The rest of our week we tried to spend as much time as we could with the children as we are so aware that once again our holidays are ending and everyone will be back at school again very soon. I always hate the end of the long summer holidays, they are such a lovely time when we can spend so much time together as a family and the children can do so many fun things together. I am forever thankful that Joshua was born at the end of this special time of year as it helps me to cope more with it all with everyone around me

16th August 2004

The summer holidays seem to be racing by now and we are heading towards Joshua�s Anniversaries very fast now. I am finding as the days progress that I am much more weepy and upset by all the reminders around me of last year, a song on the radio, a smell in the air, a warm summers day, a trip to the park, just tiny things that jolt my memory back to this time last year. Again that longing for being pregnant again with him, those feelings of still wanting to turn the clock back and change the course of events if I could. I find I wake up upset and go to sleep upset, Its very tough at the moment so like last year I have once again thrown myself and my family into the decorating to keep me busy. I have spent most of the week painting and plastering!!!! We have had some lovely family days out and it is just so much easier to cope with them all around and Simon here as well. I do thank God for them all, I cannot imagine having to go through this without their love and support.

8th August 2004

 This week I had a lovely surprise as my friend Lousie, (who is Sarah Grace�s Mum, and who is also doing our boxes in London to remember Sarah, who died of HLHS in April this year) came up to visit us at home! It was so lovely to see her again, as we had only met briefly once when I went to London for an interview. Since then we have emailed a lot, but its always so nice to sit and spend time with people who have been through the same experience as you! Lousie brought the little mask of Sarah's face that they had made when she died, it was so little and so amazingly beautiful. I wish that we had been offered the same sort of things. It makes me more determined than ever to see that all can be done to provide parents with as many choices as possible when a baby dies. It was quite hot again this week, which I found very hard as it reminded me so much of last year and carrying Joshy. I found myself reading all my journal entries and the personal diary that I wrote as well. I am glad that I wrote so much whilst carrying him, as now I have these as precious memories as well. It is just so hard now as we lead up to his birthday It also seems to be the week for the press. I travelled to Mold on Thursday for an interview with the mum who runs the Wrexham SANDS group. I am involved in a Baby Memorial Service in the chapel of The Maelor Hospital, Wrexham, on the anniversary of Joshua�s death, and the local papers had agreed to cover this and Joshua's boxes as well. It was a very positive interview so at least the charity will be published a little wider. The following day a man from The Daily Post came to take a rather ethereal picture of me gazing out of a window for The Daily Post. The had also done an interview with me for Joshua�s Boxes.At least the wider spread the appeal is hopefully the more support we will have. Goodnight Joshua my love, I still wish you were with me rather than all of this, but as you are not, at least I am doing something to honour your name and memory. Mummy xxxxxx

1st August 2004

 Finally, after nearly 11 months, Joshua's stone has arrived! What a very long wait we have had. It is beautiful, just as he was, and such a fitting memorial to our son. It is lovely to look at it and think of him, and gaze upon his beautiful face, forever on the front, encased with his precious hand and foot prints. We can finally plant around it and make it a lovely memorial garden to him in his special part of our garden. I must admit as it arrived, I wanted to hide, suddenly I could not cope with it all, as if, deep inside I am still fighting with the fact that for my son's first birthday, we have a stone! Somewhere deep inside still screams this shouldn't be! this isn't fair! the thoughts come far less these days, but they are still there. The week ended with us being invited to Plas Isaf Care Home's Summer fete to have a stall. We had a wonderful time and lots of people came to look at our boxes and talk to us about the Charity. We received �12 in donations and lots of people took leaflets for knitters. There were little tables with plants and cuddy toys and a brass band playing on the lawn. Streamers and fete flags fluttered in the breeze as people sat munching cream teas, it was so utterly British, after two weeks in Europe, it really struck me, and I enjoyed so much the fact I was there. I hope Joshua was looking down at us, and felt proud of his Mummy managing to talk about him so much!

 26th July 2004

 Our 18th Wedding Anniversary today! What a lot has happened in all those years. I felt very sad about Joshua today so I didn't really want to celebrate this year. I am sure we will have many others to enjoy celebrating instead. We are now back home and the house is an instant mess again. The piles of washing are never ending and normality has hit us again. Although it was so good to get away, and eventually I did relax, I found it such a struggle to be somewhere that had no meaning nor place in Joshua's life. It felt just too much like he had never existed and that was a feeling I never grew accustomed to, nor particularly want to. It made me realise how hard it must be to loose a child and then have to move away from all the memories, that at times you so deeply resent being there, but are also a close blanket of comfort around you, as he was there, here he had existed, as if in some tangible way you can still feel them there, and that is where the comfort comes. I had not anticipated feeling like this and it came as a shock to be so stripped of this closeness to Joshua each day, even although, despite grim opposition from some members of my family as I shoved Joshua's blanket and somewhat large teddy in my rucksack, parts of him, and all that was his, did come, it still did not seem enough. The other thing that constantly struck me was that in every happy family day, every photo and occasion on holiday, for me was always tinged with an extreme sense of pain as well. Not the guilty pain I felt all those months ago, the pain of how can I ever feel happy because Joshua is dead, but rather, a pain knowing that he was not there, he was and always will be missing from these events, and knowing he will be missing is painful, because my family will not be complete. In many ways it makes me wonder if I will ever feel happiness at the same level as I did before. I don't think so, because my world has changed forever, I will rather have to live with all these mixed emotions. Remembering Joshua, means also remembering he should be here, be part of us, because he is part of us. To know he is not here will always be sad.

 Joshua's new box, hand painted from Prague

18th July 2004

 Well, I have survived my first week in Prague. I missed Joshua being with us so painfully that I wrote a little holiday journal for him each day, sharing the beautiful sites we have seen again, and wondering how it all would have been if he had been there, and taking photos of him, well ,his little teddy bear at different places, as if to share all these things with him in some small way. The little ones thought that it was great to hold the teddy in all the scenic pictures and to have him with us! It was hard to see old friends who we have not seen in two years. They had not shared the pregnancy nor Joshua's birth or death. It was painful to go back over things I had covered and gone through with others 10 months ago. Everyone was very sweet, it was just hard to talk as if it all happened yesterday. I love Prague deeply. All the sights and sounds were so familiar too me, the beauty of it lit up at night is something no photograph can adequately capture, yet this time I did not feel the same rush as I gazed at my favourite places, It was all the same yet I had changed so much, I was unable to capture all I had felt before, because wrapped up with it all, was my loss of Joshua, always there, in the background, changing my perceptions, again! I am glad we came away, despite how hard I have found it, it has been good to go away as a family and to spend our days together, as the children all grow up and have such busy lives it is so rare that we all take so much time out in each others company now. I find this hard, my instant response since loosing Joshua has been to glue everyone together, to hold onto what we have, for fear of anything else going or being lost. This I am learning to accept is not feasible, in reality, or would I really want it, when I see all the personality clashes some days! So we are all tanned and looking healthy, and Joshua is here, in our hearts and out thoughts as always as well.

 Si and family with our czech babi Ruzena

11th July 2004

 Today we fly to Prague, in The Czech Republic, because we used to live there for five years, at least its familiar, however it holds no memories of Joshua, so I feel very nervous about leaving here. I did not want to go away at all by the end, I left all the packing to the last moment, as if in some senseless way I was trying to convince myself that if I didn't pack then it wouldn't happen. I took Joshua's urn and the box containing his little life and all his books I have written up to my lovely midwife and friend, Anne. For some strange reason I felt he was safe there and I felt I could relax a little, even though there were people staying in our house they had not known Joshua, where as Anne had delivered him, and held him the day he had died, she had been there at his beginning and his end and I felt a bit like I was taking one of my children to stay with a close friend whilst I was going on holiday. Daft I know. I could not bear the thought of not taking Joshua at all, so I bought a beautiful silver teddy bear from the baby section of a shop. I think it was intended to hold a tooth or some hair, and trooped off to my friend, the undertaker, who has now grown accustomed to my odd requests, and presented him with Joshua's urn, some superglue and the teddy and asked him to transfer some of the ashes into the teddy and superglue it together. I was so pleased that I had a little bit of Joshua to take with me! How very odd my life now is. If a year ago I had met someone who opened their bag and told me they had their dead son's ashes inside I would have thought that very bizarre, now it seems just so normal! I guess, like everything else, you have to do in this situation the things that help you, and make you survive and not worry so much about what others may think. So watch out for a little teddy on our photos this year!!

4th July 2004

This week was spent dashing about attending the usual array of sports days. I must admit by the forth one I was loosing the will to live!!!!!Soooooo boring! However I cheered my offspring on, trying hard not to remember last year when I was really huge with Joshua and everyone chatted to me, and talked about the baby, and gave up their seats because it was so hot and I looked as if I was going to explode! I remember so clearly the end of term, thinking the next time I see you all, I will have had my baby, he could be dead. Such finality! Now here we are a year later, the pregnant tummy I should be beginning to proudly display again is no longer here, we found out this week from the tests we were expecting a little girl! I have named her Lily Grace, there was nothing wrong with her, so they say it is just one of those things. Below is a beautiful poem someone sent me today. I am just left with a sense of sadness at these occasions as Joshy should be there, crawling around with all the other babies who were born at the same time as he was. Again, I was so grateful for Jono, always making me laugh and smile, cheering us all up with his sunny personality and his mad antics around the field. So glad I have him, in my arms, full of life, to distract me from my grief and my memoires, to make me dwell on the children I do have rather than all the time on the one I have lost. The rest of the week passed by in a mad dash or so it seemed. Abie started work at her hairdressers full time, and was so exhausted. Simon finished his work at school and was so exhausted! The children said goodbye to their friends as we were taking them out of school for the last week and then all of a sudden it was time to go! We seemed to resemble the scene from Home Alone, where they are all dashing to the airport in an overfull car. Our friends Imogen and Manfred looked on in disbelief as we packed yet more things around the kids and waved them goodbye! It was lovely to be able to leave the house with them. I first met Imogen through the charity Left Heart Matters, last spring after I had been diagnosed with Joshua's condition and she was carrying Noah, who also has Hypoplastic Left Heart. It went through the end of her pregnancy, Noah's birth and first surgery and then was so encouraged at his remarkable recovery she gave me some hope that just perhaps Joshy may survive. I will always be grateful for their encouragement right up to the end, for without it, I would have had so little hope. Noah will always be a precious reminder that some of these children do survive, and will always be special in my children's hearts as a reminder of Joshua, and how he may have been. It was so special to meet them after so long and to know they were staying in our home.

 For Lily Grace 5/4/04-3/6/04 Precious in God's Eyes

 The lily only lasts a day but God creates it anyway. All that work to make a flower then its gone, it had it's hour. Even though your baby died, She is still precious in God's eyes. Your child came and made her mark She changed your life and touched your heart. Upon her death, to Heaven she soared, Here for a moment, now with the Lord. By Gail Fasolo

 27th June 2004

 I have been so very busy with all the charity these past few weeks that I have got a bit behind at writing all my thoughts down here. I write a more personal journal so I have looked back on my thoughts and feelings and caught up a bit now. Joshua's Boxes has really taken off now. We have a lot of support from all the big National charities and in particular SANDS have been wonderful in their encouragement , support and enthusiasm of all we are trying to do. Like me, they share the vision of having these Memory boxes in every hospital in the country. Wow! This week I appeared in the local paper. I had actually timed this so it would be printed whilst we were on holiday, but they put it in much earlier than I thought! I was so pleased with the sensitive way that the journalist had written about Joshua and all we were doing to remember him. I hope that it will encourage others faced with this diagnosis, that you can survive and come out of it with positives. From the newspaper I got a great response to my call for knitters, so now hopefully we will have enough knitting to supply all the boxes that are needed. The other positive was how many of the school parents who had not mentioned Joshua's death to me, were now able to come up and talk to me about the charity , as if this was a little more distanced from his death so in some way a little easier for them. I am grateful for this as I have found the school gates a very hard place to be throughout this year. The other great thing is that we are now on line as a charity so we can receive online donations as well now. My wonderful friend Vicky, who also lost a baby this year, has put my words into pages with her hubby, Magnus and done a fantastic job. Take a look at www.joshuasboxes.co.uk.

20th June 2004

This week Abie finished her G.C.S.E?s, she had one day free and then she was starting work, poor girl ended up coming to Manchester with me to deliver boxes! We had been invited by Jane Donally, who is a Bereavement Officer at St Mary's Manchester, to come and deliver 10 boxes, pads and pens to their Neonatal special care unit. St Mary's envisage using about 60 -70 boxes a year because they are a specialist hospital and get sent a lot of poorly babies from other places. We had a lovely time meeting the Bereavement team there and were so encouraged at how pleased they were with our boxes. It is good to know they will all be well used. The rest of the week was spent getting the boxes and all the contents ready, as this takes quite a bit of time. Sometimes I panic that I have taken on too much, as Joshua's Boxes seems to be growing so much, that I am working harder than if I had a full time job to get everything up and running. At other times I am very glad because I know that I am putting something into place that was not there before, and that is all because of Joshua. Had he not existed , then I would be unaware of this need, and therefore unable to help as I am. Thank you Joshua! You are touching so many lives by your little life, how blessed I am to have had such a special baby. I love and miss you so very much. Mummy. xxx

6th June 2004

What a lot has happened since I last wrote. Yet again my life has been turned upside down and I find myself suffering grief once again. It was half term this week and a delight to have the children and Simon around me once again, well until the mess moved into every room and space, then it wasn�t such a delight! We had a wonderful weekend outside enjoying the sunshine in all of our favourite places, even Abie came along , armed with revision books with her GCSE�s looming on the horizon. On Monday we enjoyed a lovely day with our friends Lothar and Jane from Germany and their three children, it was great to catch up with them, although email makes us all much more of a global village we hadn�t actually seen them since we moved back from Prague five years ago. The next morning I had to leave at 5.30am, Simon�s usual time to trek down to London for my final interview with the London Casting Company Wrightson and Platt. This would usually have been quite a fun trip had it not been for the fact that British Rail in all their wisdom decided to do work on the main route to London, so what would have been a two change 4 hour journey ended up being a 5 change 8 hour journey, all in my very posh light blue suit. Worse still it tipped down with rain the whole day as well. However I had a fantastic time there, loved the job they were offering and better still, got it! and then met my lovely new friend Louise who is doing Joshua�s Boxes in London, to remember her precious daughter Sarah Grace, who died of HLHS in April. We had a wonderful meeting and it was just so lovely to meet her face to face, the first person I have met whose child has died of the same condition as Joshy. On Wednesday Miriam had been offered a cancellation to have her tonsils out so off we went to the local hospital where Joshy had been born. I was surprised that it was not so painful going there and staying there as it had been before, gradually, perhaps these places are becoming less significant in my memories of Joshua. She was very brave and was in much pain so I stayed the whole day and late at night with her. Abie came to join us in the evening as well. Then on Thursday I was due for a scan. The reason being, that I am 8 weeks pregnant. I have not written about it on my pages because I had hardly told a soul so felt it was not appropriate to write either. Right from the start I felt very uneasy about it all. I had, had faint positive tests which I have never had, and a lot of pain so I was booked into hospital for an early scan at 5 1/2 weeks. It was very nerve wracking going for a scan with the same people that diagnosed Joshua just a year ago. Although they were all fantastic and very supportive it just brought everything back and left me in such a mess. They discovered that I seemed to have a lot of bleeding around the sac as well as a very large cyst. They did thankfully find the baby and a heartbeat, phew and basically told me that if I was still not bleeding in 10 days to come back for a re scan. I tried to get on with things as best I could, and as you can see was thankfully very busy which helped. Ten days later I was back for my scan, no bleeding, and yes when they scanned the bleeding inside had gone down considerably, but sadly the scan of the baby showed it had a very slow heartbeat and was smaller than I knew I was. So again, I was told to come back in a few days if nothing had happened. I went back 4 days later, and the situation was the same, so again I was told to come back in a week. That brings us up to today. It was so lovely to have Simon with me at the scan for the first time, every other time I have had to go in alone, and I have felt so utterly lonely in it all. It was just so sad that the day he came was sadly the day they told me that the baby had died. At least he saw it on the screen and we got another precious photo to add to our little collection. Such a very short life. I was relieved in many ways because at the back of my mind I was terrified that if I was having so many problems so early on, what would a later scan show?? Would I be faced with a repeat of last year, if so I was unsure how I would ever recover. The nurses were very sweet and totally understood because of our life style I couldn't just �go home and wait for things to happen� so they got in touch with my wonderful consultant, Derek, who agreed to fit me at the end of his operating list that day, for which I will be forever thankful. We went into see Miriam and break the sad news to her, before Simon returned home to bring everyone into see her, whilst we were all there I was called over to get ready for my op, really bizarre. Everyone on the ward was very understanding and they gave me my own room, which was so sweet, I just wanted to be left alone. Thankfully it was all over soon, and I was up and dressed within an hour and ready to go, Miriam and I were both discharged that night, what a pair. The rest of the week passed with trying to care for Miriam, do all the last minute tasks around the house and trying to recover from loosing another baby. I know it wasn't the same, but it was still a hard blow to take. We had tried for quite a while, and I was so pleased we were expecting and would have a new joy in our lives in the new year. Now all that is gone, again, and it is hard to pull yourself together and find a purpose in it all. Because I am so busy, I do have to �just get on� and in many ways I am glad of this, but I found I just have needed space once again, to find somewhere quiet where I can grieve this loss. So that�s the end of my odd week! I guess through it all I am just so reminded of Joshua and how very much I still miss my little boy.

 'MY WONDERFUL KIDS WHO KEEP ME GOING-THANKYOU ALL"

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