~Fiona's Journey~
~March 2004~
Friday 5th March 2003
This week is St. David's Day, the patron saint of Wales, so all the children dress up on Monday in Welsh National Costume or something red/green and white. I think it is so good that the Welsh have preserved their individuality and their language and I am glad that my children have the opportunity to be part of these traditions, just as they did when we lived in Prague, Czech Republic. I have found things a bit harder this week as its been a very busy week with many things to sort out. I find that when my life gets more crowded and stressful I find I get more upset and weepy. Eventually after many months of waiting we have finally had to admit defeat and change stonemasons. This is very upsetting as we are back to square one with the whole thing, but thankfully the new ones have promised to get Joshua's stone completed as soon as they can. It has been hard to go to the cemetery and look at other baby's stones that they have done in order to decide again what we want. I still find it so hard to get my head around the fact I am having a gravestone for one of my children. It, to me is one of the very saddest aspects of loosing Joshua, perhaps because it shows the finality of it all, it is a marker to the fact he is really, really no longer here. I am just so glad that we all feel we want it in our garden, as I don't think I could bear him any further away than this!
I enjoyed going into the mountains twice this week, with Jono, where we got completely stuck on the snow and as Jono merrily announced to his Dad later "Mummy's car had to be pushed out by a man!"..thanks Jono! and a second time with my ever faithful friend, Chris, although by then the rain had set in! I still find the mountains a great source of comfort to me at this time, and am grateful for the opportunities to be able to take off and not be tied to work pressures. I must admit I am beginning to get stressed about the fact that in another month I have all the reminders about Joshua's condition, his diagnosis and all the scans and appointments and the this-time -last -year. There are so many things to remind me, each one so painful still. I had really wished that I would be pregnant by then, but that is obviously not going to happen yet, because of my age, and the children's desperation for another baby, as well as mine! I hope that it does soon! Please look under the new bar "Joshua's Boxes" to read how I have decided to remember him and help others as well. If you feel you can help in any way then please email us. I seem to be having some problems with our guest book so I hope this gets sorted out soon. Until next week, Love Fiona.
Friday 12th March 2004
Where do we go from here? This isn't where we intended to be..... To quote a few lines from one of my favourite films, �Evita� Bad week, for a variety of reasons. Just when I was beginning to feel okay, along comes grief again, washing over me, sending me reeling down the pit I had managed to climb a little way out of, and leaving me firmly at the bottom again, wondering what the point is of putting all that effort in, trying to climb out of it at all! I have been majorly weepy. So utterly embarrassing, have even resorted to wearing my sunglasses on the dullest of days and looking highly suspicious. At least if anyone has suspected why, thank God they didn't say...that would have been unbearable, as for me, when I feel this bad, I really do just want to be on my own, I am better where people are not!! The warm evenings (well after -7..warm!) and longer days just catapulted me with a force unrecognisable before, back to last year, the sounds , sights, smells, the lot. With it all the memories of waiting with Joshua, first all the excitement, anticipation plans...I remember going out for a meal in Chester with two of our closest friends, and laughing about another baby on the way, just a few days before that scan. Those events are indelibly ingrained forever, and the sort I don't want to repeat again, at all costs. Then the diagnosis, and all the events that followed. Halfway through the week I began to wonder if this is how its going to be until Joshua�s first anniversary, if so, how will I survive? But then gradually my moods change again, and life resumes some semblance of equilibrium and I realised the awful weepiness was probably my hormones as my period had come. At least I know what to watch out for next month!! Just coping with Joshua�s death is plenty for me to handle still, so when we have a whole ton of other issues and problems as well, it all seems so insurmountable, and very hard to cope. If it were not for the children, this week I would have hid under the duvet and not appeared at all, the thought was so tempting, dragging myself up, so difficult. I still sense that others give me side ways glances and wonder how I am still breathing, especially on the school runs. No body says much, but the uncomfortable feeling is defiantly there. I find that run still very tough, having to face everyone, them all knowing, inevitably being drawn into one of the most private moments of my life, just feeling still so utterly exposed. I think I appear quite hard and unfriendly to most of them, just another way of trying to protect myself I guess. I know my other friends who have lost babies felt the same. I often now imagine walking away with Jono and Joshua , together in our double buggy, it makes me smile to think of what they would have got up to together. Perhaps the fact I can say �it makes me smile� shows I am still making some progress? I had to go for my first Physiotherapy appointment this week, at the local Hospital. It was not until I walked in that it hit me, on the board was the notice �Antenatal clinic.am..Dr Klazinga�.....and with it all my memories of going every Monday, talking about Joshua to a genuinely sympathetic gynaecologist and midwifes, I had not set foot there since, and here I was, again taken completely off my guard. We have now drawn up plans for Joshua�s stone, so lets hope we can finally have one! I went to the bank to open an account for Joshua�s Boxes and found that since Sept 11th all the banks guidelines have changed so I cant have his name on the account unless I get a solicitor to write up a constitution that I am now a charity!!! all very costly, as I only ever envisaged small donations! So I am off to see the building society tomorrow to see if their rules are less strict! It is very hard to do this, as I have to talk about Joshua in detail to a stranger, but if it means I get the account I need then so be it, after all, its a small price to pay. Sorry to be so inward looking this week. I found this Anon poem in a lovely baby book for still birth and neonatal death. �At unusual times, in unexpected places: the supermarket, the school run, on the way home from work, my eyes sting, and my throat gets tight. And then I know that all I want is You!�
Mothering Sunday March 21st 2004
This was another of those anniversaries that you would rather forget, but of course couldn't because all the children had made such a big effort for me. They even put Joshua�s name on the card as well! The little ones bought me a silver baby charm for my bracelet to remind me of Joshy. Everyone was so sweet, yet it was so hard to try to stop the longing for Joshua in my arms on this special day. I know I am his mum still, that is not in question, I know he is safe in Jesus arms, and somehow I know there is some sort of purpose to all of this, yet knowing does not take away the pain. the excruciating longing in my arms and in my heart to hold, to love, to look after, to nurture the baby I have lost. This week was interesting as I also returned part time to work. I was hard to walk into class after class and be so firm and strict, a part of me finds it so very hard now, however seeing the riots that ensued in my absence quickly convinced me that this was the best approach! The kids still ask about Joshy all the time, still, remember I was pregnant. Some are very sweet about it, some not. Its hard to be so dispassionate about it all but one sniff of any upset and they use it, so I have to remain this way. I found it so hard to leave Jono after so many months with him, even though his Dad�s off sick, so he has someone there. Worse still when I got home, he has totally blanked me for his Daddy now! I know its his little way, but it hurts! Just adds to the large measure of guilt I feel constantly. As the week progressed I much admit I enjoyed going back to work again. Perhaps, for me the time is now right. I bought a little J with a winnie the pooh on it to remind me of this mothers day without Joshy. I still find that buying things does help me still, a tangible reminder that he is still here with us and not forgotten! I have all my hospital notes now...finally. For anyone wanting memories of their baby I would say these are a great idea to request as I can read a blow by blow account of all my scans and hospital appointments as well as my birth notes of Joshy and his care from the moment he was born until he died. It meant writing to four different hospitals, by now I have the medical account of his life as well. Another precious, precious memory of his brief life. So, on Mother�s Day I will end with this, in memory of the son who could not be there to give me a hug and a kiss, Sweet Joshy
�Tonight, I will light a candle and I will think of you. Tonight as the warm light flickers and glows around the room, so, I will remember the love we had for each other will burn and glow....forever�. Mummy xxxx I Am A Mother I've loved my child right from the start, A feeling that's filled my entire heart. I went through the labour and suffered the pain, For many long hours with nothing to gain. I've spent sleepless nights being awake, Though it's been a while my arms they still ache. I've sat and I've wondered of how he would grow, The love of my family that he'd come to know. The sound of his voice as he learns to talk, Watching his steps as he tries to walk. I have a child that I really love so, I am his mother yet nobody knows. I've spent all these months feeling him grow, I've lived through it all and have nothing to show. I don't get invited to chat with young mothers, Because I don't have a baby like all the others. I've got some stretch marks that I'd like to hide, but I don't have a pram with a baby inside. The people I've known for so many years, They avoid me now, which adds to my tears. I don't know how long I'll be feeling like this, But one thing I know, my baby I miss. When Mother's day comes it will be very hard, I won't have any flowers, not even a card. And just because he's not here with me, I still have a son I wish I could see. But one thing I know and this is for sure, I'll be his mother forevermore! Author Unknown
Thursday March 25th 2004
Yesterday I was teaching about drugs and had to show the very sad video about Leah Betts who died of drugs overdose. I wondered how I would cope with watching her death and her family being interviewed, but I did it okay. I watched the same video last year, with the kids, before I knew about Joshua, and oddly found it more distressing, perhaps now I can relate to their grief on so much deeper a level that the initial feelings of how does someone live through this don�t exist any longer, because I am living through what, last year I viewed as unimaginable some strange way this made me feel much stronger, another legacy of my darling boy. The other thing I have found going back to work, is that I handle disruptive situations so much better, life is now, just too short, I am no longer prepared to put up with things I used to, I deal with things much swifter and more effeminately now, I am also not bothered or flustered by even the worst pupils, again, having watched Joshy die, nothing can match the fear and pain of knowing I was going to loose him, everything else, suddenly shifts down the scale of importance. I think Mother�s Day has to be one of the very worst things to endure if you loose a child, it just slaps you in the face, I think more so if you don�t have any children, because then to the outside world, you are not a mum at all, its just so hard and my heart and thoughts go out to everyone who had to endure this day this year. Thankfully we were busy which helped to some measure. So, ends the first week of work! I have had to talk about Joshua more than I really wanted too, so many kids remember my pregnancy and as they see me more, they ask more. I managed to have quite a conversation with one group, and its amazing how many either had experienced a sibling dying or knew of someone who had. I hope by sharing a little about Joshy they can learn his life had purpose and meaning to me and so many touched by him. Please pray that I can convey this as I learn to talk about him more.
Calender from
"Whispy Hollow"