~Fiona's Journey~
~FEBRUARY 2004~
*Post read with the beginning of the month at the bottom through to the last at the top.
Friday 27th February 2003
This week I am again feeling if I have really turned a corner in the whole
process of grief. Yes I am still upset about Joshua's death, I still cry each
day, I still cuddle his teddy each night, I still get very upset when I have to
explain his passing to people....etc, BUT, its all without the same overwhelming
agonising pain of a few weeks ago, and for that I am so glad. I feel as if I
have been grieving since Joshua's diagnosis on 30th April 03, ever since then
the emotional turmoil I have felt has been terrible, for the first time this is
slowly being lifted. Perhaps because I feel a bit lighter I have been able to
focus on what I want to do to remember Joshua, and lead by many, many emails I
have received from ladies who did not get the same opportunities to make
memories for one reason or another, as I did, I have decided to put together
'Joshua's Boxes" for the local hospitals. I will show you next week these boxes
and explain how you can help towards the making of them if you so wish. I am so
blessed by the offers of help and enthusiasm I have already received. This week
I got my plaster cast off after 6 long weeks and although very painful and
fragile I can drive wearing a splint! How wonderful it is to have my freedom
back at last!!! I took Jono up to the mountains and enjoyed all the wonderful
snow we had this week. We thought of Joshua as we wondered around and as ever
felt him there in the sunshine, in the snow, in the gentle breeze and flowing
icy streams. He was there, watching us from somewhere near. After five long
months of nagging the Stonemasons for Joshua's stone we have had to give up and
start all over again. This has been a very upsetting process, involving me
phoning them each week and being fobbed off with a variety of excuses. I have
come to the end of my tether, I want my stone!!!! So just hope and pray that the
people with whom I meet on Monday will be able to get this done quickly!! And so
February closes. In another month I will begin to live through all the
appointments and diagnosis that we had for Joshua. I am glad that leading into
this I am beginning to feel a little better within myself, as I was beginning to
truly wonder how people ever managed to move on. My healing and grieving process
I am sure will be a long one, but at least if when the hard grieving is done, I
am not bitter or twisted then I am glad. Joshua's memory will be a sweet one,
not tarnished by regrets or if only's, that's my wish.
Friday 20th February 2003
Happy Valentines Day Joshua! I made this card for Joshy and bought another teddy for my collection too. I had promised myself that I would only buy one at Easter but then I saw him and couldn't resist it! I figured he was the same price as a packet of nappies, and having been denied the pleasure of buying him things at least this helps me to feel he is remembered. I know, I am mad! This week is half term for us, so I have the added joy of all the children and Simon at home. It is so hard with him working away this year, the one year above others I need him with me, but it does mean that during the holidays we appreciate each other so much more.
This week I feel amazingly better and its due to one very insignificant thing really. When I was carrying Joshua I felt that buying things for his �death� was tempting fate or being morbid, so many people told me �not to think of that�. I was therefore tempted to buy an adorable plaster kit to make hand and foot impressions of a baby, but didn't. This has been one of my biggest regrets for all the months since Joshua has died. I so envied those who had something 3d to remember their babies by, I so longed to feel his little hands and feet again, and I so regretted not buying that kit! Needless to say, anyone who knows me, knows I don�t give up easily! So I set about scanning every site I could lay my hands on and emailing endless people to see if they could help...all to no avail. Eventually when I was near to giving up I found a site called Little Keepsakes. YIPPEE! can you believe, after one request from a mum like me, who only has ink prints they have now developed a technique whereby they can take a photocopy of the babies hand and foot prints and mould then into a plaster impression! At last I can feel his hands and his feet again! It is hard to explain to anyone who has not lost a baby just how much this means to me, to have something of Joshua so tangible has made my heart sing again, and has made such a huge difference to how I now grieve. When they are made and sent I will post them on this site so you can all see them as well. The other thing that I have found just so encouraging this week is the number of Mums who have emailed me to say how much this journal has helped them. I guess, sitting alone at my keyboard I sometimes wonder about the value of continuing to write about my journey, it seems like every time I doubt whether I should continue to write or not I receive an email to give me all the right reasons to continue my journey. Although I am honest I also try to be positive as well. I hope that others who read my words will take comfort that they are not alone, that when they read this they will at times laugh and identify with what I feel and know that they are no longer so isolated on this path. I am sure that although this has been a good week, I will continue to ride this rollercoaster of grief, and continue to appreciate all those of you who are there with me so much. Thank you for all your love, kindness, words of encouragement and emails! So many of you, I have never met, yet we share a unique bond, brought about for me, by the loss of Joshua, how much he continues to bless me and light my path and others.
Mary bought these stones back from Spain, because when she was sitting on the beach there she realised that Joshy would never get the chance to visit so she brought them back for him.
Thursday 12th February 2004
As I have said so many times with this journey it is full of paradoxes, I realise more and more that I just cant really win whichever direction I take. I was really depressed as all it seems to do here is rain, which I felt made me feel even worse...then along comes the sun and the bright blue sky and the birds singing, and I feel gut wrenchingly sick, it reminds me too much of last spring, when I was three months pregnant and so very happy...and innocent! I had some visitors as well at the weekend because it was Martha's party. Joshua's photos are everywhere , yet no one made a comment, I was so desperate for some one to say "Is that Joshua, isn't he lovely.." and yet at the same time, if they had I think I would have wanted to die! You see, Paradoxes!
I have taken great comfort these past few weeks, in going into Chester
Cathedral, once our usual church service has started. I think it is because I
can be anonymous there and be myself. It is very large and quite grand, made out
of red brick and stone, and you can easily loose yourself in there, sitting
quietly against one of the large stone pillars. I light a candle for Joshua and
one for all the other babies that I know and manage to find some peace, in what
seems at times like a very confusing world! Last week I bought a little Noah's
arc cross for Joshua as I was leaving. When I got home I was putting it by
Joshua with all the kids around and Jonathan let out the most dreadful wail. We
all turned around as I gathered my sobbing child into my arms and asked what was
wrong, and between his little sobs he said 'I miss Joshua soooo much!" It is the
first time he has ever cried directly about Joshua and we were all quite stunned
that at 29 months he could feel so much. It really upset me, as well as
comforting me that at least he does remember his little baby brother. This week
has been another long slow one, and at times I have found that the grief of
loosing Joshua has again washed over me and been utterly unbearable. It is so
very hard to describe, and I never imagined I could feel so much pain for so
long. It is again all the little things that seem to strike the most. I was in a
shopping precinct with Miriam and we were buy a lady with a baby boy the same
age as Joshy would have been. Normally I just squirm a bit, but this time WHAM!
the pain of seeing a live, healthy baby, gurgling and smiling, when mine is
dead, just hit in a tidal wave. I would never ever get to do those things with
Joshua! I just think that my time of mourning is going to be a long one, and
thankfully with the few good friends I do have who understand me and have been a
fantastic support, as well as my dear family, I will be okay. I am sorry that
some of these more recent entries have been less than positive, but I have to be
myself, I will help no one by just saying that all is well, because that's not
reality! Until next week,
Thanks for all your support!
Fiona
Thursday 6th
February 2004
This week has been quite interesting in the respect that , having had to slow
down so much I am appreciating just how busy I was, and that actually , for me ,
that wasn't altogether such a good thing. I think, subconsciously, I tried to
fill my time, and now being made to stop, although at first, impossibly hard,
now has been a good thing for me. It broke me so much I realised that I still
hadn't come to terms with a lot of things connected to Joshua's death. Being not
under pressure to do the usual things around the house or with the children has
taken a lot of stress away. I have had time to just sit and think through
things, to complete all the books and memories and to do some art work for
Joshua as well. This has all been good therapy for me and has made feel feel
calmer inside.
Many people have suggested that I take anti-depressants. I am sure for many they
are a God send, but I would rather not. I don't want to have the pain numbed or
taken away, I simply want to know how to deal with it and learn to live and cope
with it. I was offered counselling, which again, I nearly took, before I
realised I was getting more stressed about seeing the counsellor than about
Joshy!!! Perhaps I need to get this low to realise what I really wanted, and how
I needed to be helped!
I am forever grateful for my special friend who still diligently visits as much
as she can. I feel I can be myself with her, and talk about Joshua! I am a new
mum after all! I want, like all new mums to talk about my baby, its just when I
talk I cry as well. She is one of the few people who is fine about this, sits
with me, hugs me and cries as well! Everyone needs this! I have included the
do's and don'ts of grief so if you are reading this, please log onto these, and
God forbid, if you know someone who has experienced a loss, these things show
you what to do and what not to do. I hope by posting them here, others can be
helped and supported better, and again, Joshua will have helped, his life,
having some special value.
I have found several of the American chat sites of increasing help as well. Silent Grief is an excellent site to go on. I have just been so comforted at the many ladies who do the same mad things as me! I think the thing I find the hardest is the fact that we have eight children but there are so many times I cant acknowledge Joshua and it makes me so sad. We had to fill in our address and family for the new church directory last weekend and I found it so hard not to put Joshua's name down on our list of kids! Form filling is another one where it is inappropriate to put him. It is so hard, I want and I need him to be remembered as part of our family and not airbrushed out of existence! Going onto the sites made me realise that everyone else who has lost a child feels exactly the same, so I no longer feel bad for putting his name on cards and the like! He will remain there!
I am ending with another article that I read which again sums up how I feel at
times...Remember Joshua, please mention him, he is and will always be part of
me, I wont ever forget him!
"PLEASE SAY THEIR
NAMES"
The time of concern is over. No longer are we asked how we're doing. Never are
the names of our children mentioned to us. A curtain descends. The moment has
passed. Lifes slip from frequent recall. There are exceptions: close and
compassionate friends, sensitive and loving family. Still look. Still ask. Still
listen. Thank God for them. For most, the drama is over. The spotlight is off.
Applause is silent.
But for us the play will never end. The effects on us are timeless. What can be
said, you ask? Please say "their names" to us. Love does not die. Their names
are written on our lives. You may feel that they are dead. We feel that they are
of the dead and still they live. They ghost-walk our souls, beckoning in future
welcome. You say, "They were our children"; we say "They are". Please say "their
names" to us and say "their names" again. It hurts to bury their memory in
silence. What they were in flesh is no longer with us. What they are in spirit
stays within us always. They were of our past but they are part of our now. They
are our hope for the future. Please understand we cannot forget. We would not if
we could.
We know that you cannot know, yesterday we were like you. Understand that we
dwell in both flesh and spirit. We do not ask you to walk this road. The ascent
is steep and the burden heavy. We walk it not by choice. We would rather walk it
with them in the flesh, looking not to spirit worlds beyond. We are what we have
to be. What we have lost, you cannot feel. What we have gained you may not see.
Please say " their names" for they are alive. We will meet them again, although
in many ways we've never parted. Their spirits play light songs, appear in
sunrises and sunsets. They are real and shadow, they were and they are.
Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again.
They are our children and we love them as we always did.
More each day.
"PLEASE, SAY THEIR NAMES"
- Written by an unknown author posted for aall grieving parents -
Some of the photos above are from Joshua's memory book.
