Why did the blonde die from drinking milk?
The cow fell on her!
How did the blonde try to kill a bird?
By throwing it off a cliff!
How did the blonde try to kill a fish?
By drowning it!
Santa, the Tooth fairy, a smart blonde, and a regular blonde were walking. They saw a hundred dollar bill.
Who picked it up?
The regular blonde, the other three are fictional!
It's the Spring of 1957.
Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes
to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet,
so why don't you have a seat?" he asks.
"That's cool," says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go
to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and he immediately revised his plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to
go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts
his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her,
and screams at her father: "DARN IT, DADDY! HOW
MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? THE TWIST!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
While the man savored a double martini at the local bar, an attractive women sat down next to him.
The bartender served her a glass of orange juice.
The man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my
hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."
"How did it happen?" she asked.
"I switched cocks."
"What a coincidence," she said, smiling
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all mechanical things.
After serving his
company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later, his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were
having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail.
In desperation, they
called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day
he marked a small X in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your
problem is!"
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services. They demanded an itemized
accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark ............. $1
Knowing where to put it..... $49,999
Why Women Are So Bright
- We got off the Titanic first.
- We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
- Taxis stop for us.
- We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
- No fashion mistake we make could ever rival the Speedo.
- We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
- If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
- We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear.
- We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
- We have the ability to dress ourselves.
- We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
- If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
- There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
- We'll never regret piercing our ears.
- We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
- We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren't listening anyway.
Why I Fired My Secretary:
Two weeks ago it was my 45th Birthday. I didn't feel too well that
morning, but I knew that when I went to breakfast my wife would be pleasant and say
"Happy Birthday." But she didn't even say "Good Morning."
I thought, that's wives for you. At least the children will remember. But
the kids came in for breakfast and didn't say a word, so when I started for the
office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
I as walked into the office, Janet said "Good Morning Boss, Happy
Birthday." I immediately felt better because somebody remembered.
About noon, she knocked on my door and said that it was such a lovely day
we should go out to lunch. It was the best news I had all day.
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. Janet said she knew a
little private place out in the city. We had to Martinis and enjoyed lunch
tremendously.
On way back to the office she said "You know it's such a beautiful
day it would be a shame to go back to the office." When I agreed she said "Let's
go to my apartment and I will fix you another martini."
We did just that, in fact she fixed two martinis which puts me in a very
pleasant mood. Then she said "Boss if you don't mind, I think I will go into
the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable" I assured her I didn't mind at
all.
She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes she came out carrying a
big birthday cake followed by my wife and children, all singing Happy
Birthday, and there I sat with nothing on except my socks!
One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
