This is a true story from the Word Perfect Help line, which was transcribed from a recording
monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired;
however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization
for "Termination without
Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. Now I know
why they record these
conversations!
"Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble??"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing??"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have
a little light that tells you when it's on??"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into
the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of
it, not just one??"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark??"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not??"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came
in??"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was
when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
"Tell them you're too f**k**g stupid to own a computer."
CHRISTMAS CARD
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a
mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included
one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically and suggesting I
take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my
reflection in the mirror -- wearing nothing but a camera!
MY FOOTSTEPS?
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her
then-four-year old daughter. On the way to preschool, the
doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. "Be still, my
heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!" Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to
McDonald's. May I take your order?"
A WISE LITTLE GIRL
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she
must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She
replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
TOO ROUGH
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys,
they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with
him?"
THUMB SUCKING
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to
reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you
don't
stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and
son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh .. I know what you've been doing."
SO KEEP THE SINGING DOWN, OK?
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be
quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but
the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the
judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain
custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the
judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his
chair and replied...
"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending
machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"
At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly
compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM
had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be
driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors have
issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like
Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash
twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road,
you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for
no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the
car windows, shut it off, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left
turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you
would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless
you bought "CarNT," but then you would have to buy more seats
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the
sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive- but would only
run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning
lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault"
warning light.
