What do Barbie and Britney Spears have in common?
Both are blonde, brainless and made out of plastic.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he has little legs!
Why did Beethoven kill his chicken?
It kept saying ''Bach, Bach, Bach...''
Why is it so hard to replace Vanna White?
They can't find another blonde who knows the whole alphabet.
How can you pick out Dolly Parton's kids on the play ground?
They're the ones with the stretch marks around their lips!
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.
How do you find Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
He's the one with the sesame seed buns!
What does Tiger Woods have that Princess Diana didn't?
A good driver. (e-gads...that was bad!)
A LETTER TO THE IRS:
April 23, 2001
Internal Revenue Service
State Processing Center
Holtsville, NY 01150-0115
Dear Taxmen/women:
Enclosed is my 2001 tax return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the February 8, 2001 USA Today newspaper which serves as my Year 2000 Tax guide.
In the article, you will see that the Pentagon pays $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to
$3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you
to send the above mentioned fund a 1.5 inch screw. (See attached
article.. HUD paid $22.00 each1.5 inch Phillips head screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
What happens when you take a Packard Bell, Windows 95, a grenade and put them together?
A typical upgrade
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very
easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole
truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole
truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
What is the difference between outlaws and in-laws?
Outlaws are wanted.
A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?" He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."
A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so excited just thinking about his future. He gets into a taxi and the driver says, "How are you on this lovely day?"
"I'm the Class of 2000 just graduated from Harvard and I just can't wait to go out there and see what the world has in store for me."
The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and says, "Congratulations, I'm Mitch Class of 1949."
The Perfect Employee?
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd
numbered lines.
Teacher: "Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son."
Father: "What's that?"
Teacher: "With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating."
A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.
"It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering."
"Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I dddo?"
The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free
up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the sixinches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem.
The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment, as well as loss
of employment that anything would be worth it.
The doctor plans for the procedure.
The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.
"Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem. My wife says that she sort of
misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches.
The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says: "I dddoonnnt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould
bbbbee possssssibbble!"
This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man. The tiny man sits down,
and starts to play the piano.
This other guy notices it. "Hey, what's that?" "A twelve-inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic
lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, I got a twelve inch pianist."
"Can I try?"
The man with the pianist agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room.
"Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!"
"You really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?"
One day, 3 men escaped from prison. They ran for miles until they came to a
farm. They decided that they would hide in the barn because the cops were searching for them.
They heard the policeman and the farmer talking and the farmer agreed to let
them search the place. Each of them hid in various places. When the cop came in, he saw 2 crates and some other
things.
The cop proceeded to hit the first crate with his baton, "oink, oink!!", the first prisoner said.
"This is just a pig", the cop said.
He hit the second crate, "moo moo", the prisoner said. "Aw... this is just a cow", the cop said.
Then the policeman came upon what looked like a sack. He hit it with his baton and the 3rd prisoner yelled,
"Potatoes!!!"
A guy decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at
which time he is extremely drunk.
When he gets home, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the
stairs. Half way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his butt. That wouldn't have been so
bad, except that he had couple of empty
beer bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass
carved up his butt terribly.
But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed
blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror. Sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well,
he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his butt was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers
trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where
the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to
the mirror."
100 yard breast stroke race..
A blonde, brunette, and redhead were standing on the edge of the pool ready for the 100 yard breast stroke race...
The starter shot the pistol and the three dove into the water and began swimming.
A few minutes later, the brunette finished and jumped out of the water. Then the redhead.
About twenty minutes later, the blonde emerged.
They awarded the gold to the brunette, the silver to the redhead, and the bronze to the blonde.
As they placed the medal around her neck, the blonde whispered, " I don't want to sound like a sore loser,
but I think the other two used their arms."
Equal Health Care for All
A young, promising medical student decides to specialize in sexual disorders and goes to visit a
facility which has just accepted him as an intern. One of the resident physicians takes him on a tour of the
hospital.
All of a sudden, they pass a booth with a young man there masturbating furiously. The intern turning to his
superior asks about the man's problem.
The resident responds, "Oh, that man has an enormously over-active sex drive and has to have twenty orgasms a
day or he becomes seriously ill."
They move on through the hospital and eventually come upon another man in a booth with his pants down around
his ankles and a beautiful blonde nurse on her knees in front of him lustily servicing him.
The intern inquiring to this man's trouble, the resident replies, "Same problem, better health plan."
Pick up lines.
1. I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt).... Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
3. Nice legs...what time do they open?
4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen
one?
9. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight
10. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
11. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside the drug store, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
12. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
13. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
14. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway the heaven?
15. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
19. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
20. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
22. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
23. My name is <insert name here> ... remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
24. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
25. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
26. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute."
27. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
28. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
29. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
30. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
31. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?
32. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
33. Do you sleep on your stomach? no? Can I?
34. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.
35. I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
