|
|
|
Quotes Funny Thoughts Tattoos
Music Guide
You are Guest No.
HITS4PAY!
|
Ten percent of all accidents are caused by drivers affected by alcohol. Which is another way of saying that 90 percent of accidents are caused by non-drinkers.
There was a knock on the door and Fred found himself being asked to become a Jehova's Witness. "I didn't even see the bloomin' accident," he said.
"How did this accident happen, sir?" "Well, the sign said, STOP, LOOK AND LISTEN, and while I was doing that a bloody train ran over me."
Said the cop: "Have you ever had an accident, Missus?" "Well, I met my husband at a service station."
Five Hells Angels Bikers walked into the bar, ordered
their drinks and suggested the lone drinker at the end of the bar should pay.
When he refused they punched him up and threw him out of the
pub.
"Alcohol is your trouble," said the
judge.
The difference between being a drunk and being an alcoholic is that the drunk doesn't have to bother attending all those boring meetings.
Roger bought one of those tapes that help you to stop drinking while you're sleeping. It worked. He hasn't had a drink in his sleep since.
The drunk asked the passer-by if he knew the way to Alcoholics Anonymous. "Why," he said, "do you want to join?" "No, I want to resign."
He asked how they should celebrate their 25th anniversary. She suggested two minutes' silence.
On quiet nights, when he is alone, Fred runs their wedding video backwards, just to watch himself walkout of the church a free man.
He was telling his friend how he and his wife spent
their 25th anniversary.
On their Golden Anniversary he said there was nothing he wouldn't do for his wife and there was nothing she wouldn't do for him. "And that's how it's been for the past 50 years," he added, "We've done nothing for each other."
"Officer," said the Sweet Young Lady coming into the police station, "where do I apologize for shooting my husband?"
Traffic cop stopped a very fast car and approached
the driver with notebook on hand. "You were doing 100 in a 60 zone."
"What's your name?"
Robbers broke into a New York bank and stole half a million dollars and a quantity of gold bullion. Baffled Police are trying to figure out a motive for the crime.
Three men want to become agents for the FBI. After a day of intensive interviews, they are told there is one more test to prove their dedication to the FBI. The head FBI agent takes the first guy into a private room. He hands him a gun and says, "Go into that room and kill your wife." The guy says, "No way," and leaves FBI headquarters. The second guy goes through the same proceedings. He walks into the second room, but on seeing his wife decides that she is worth more than a good job, and he, too, refuses. Finally the third guy is given the gun and told to kill his wife. He walks into the second room and six shots are heard. A few seconds later, the head FBI agent hears crashing and banging from the room. After a few minutes, the guy comes out of the room. "What happened?" asks the FBI agent. "Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks... I had to kill her with the chair."
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many
people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man
behind her and said,
There was a man who was in a horrible accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered from the accident was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this unusual handicap, he was very self-conscious about having no ears. Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided he now had the means to own a business. He went out and purchased a small but expanding computer firm. However, he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He liked the man quite a bit. His last question for this candidate was, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man became very upset and threw the guy out of the office. The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" This guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man became very distraught, and threw the second candidate out of the office. Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second- the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this candidate, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The candidate replied "Yes, as a matter of fact I do. You're wearing contact lenses." Surprised, the asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?" Surprised, the employer asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?" "Well, you can't wear glasses because you have no ears!!"
A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's going on? "he asks." I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "I can't believe it!!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"
A guy finds an old lamp on the beach. He rubs it and
a genie appears. The genie informs the guy that he will grant him three
wishes, but whatever he wishes for his ex- wife will get twice as much.
A young man, wanted to get his beautiful wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So, he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited and she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the wife goes to get her hair done. Her
phone rings and it's her husband.
Three boys were heading home from school one day when one started the time- honored game of paternal one-upmanship. He said, "My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can throw a 90-mph fastball from the pitcher's mound and run and catch it just after it crosses the plate!" One of the other boys said, "Oh yeah? Well my dad can shoot an arrow from his bow and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the arrow hits the bulls eye!" The last boy said, "Your dads don't even come close to being faster than mine. My dad works for the government, and even though he works every day until 4:00 he gets home at 3:30!"
God created woman, and she had 3 breasts. He said to the woman, "Is there anything on you that you'd like to change?" She said, "Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?" God snapped his fingers and it was done. She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand, "What am I going to do with this useless boob?" And God created man.
A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
The minister had just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday after the surgery, he only preached for 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday he preached for 1 hour 25 minutes. When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way: "The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures and I couldn't stop talking!"
He laid her on the table, so white, clean and bare.
|
|
Miscellaneous
Miscellaneous
