Thank you, and I hope to hear your thoughts about this page...
Sign the guest book, and I'll gladly get back to you.
Got any good ones? send 'em along!!! The Joketender
(I've found hundreds of men bashing jokes!!!)
Nov. 12, 2002
I hope this will show some of the chicks out there that I'm really not the sexist bastard they may think I am. For the most part these jokes are directed back at men.
A page for men and women! Take a look and I welcome any additions you may have!
A: Because you have to hollow out the head first!
Q: What is the difference between men and dogs?
A: They both go to the bathroom alot, only the dog just goes there to drink out of the toilet.
Q: What do men and dogs have in common?
A: They are both suspicious of the mailman.
Wife: Would you sooner lose your life or your money?
Husband: My life, of course. I need my money for retirement.
Did you hear about the Brooklyn cab driver who's wife had triplets and he went out looking for the other two guys?
"You are beyond being a dimwit," screamed the wife at her husband. "You are illiterate!"
"Is that so?" said the husband. "Well the joke is on you, my parents were married!"
Husband: This match won't light.
Wife: What is the matter with it?
Husband: I don't know, it lit before.
If women like a movie, it's erotica. If men like a movie, it's pornography...
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: Why do only 10% of men make it to Heaven?
A: Because if they all went to Heaven, it would be Hell!
Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.
Q: How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A: We cook - they eat. We clean - they dirty. We iron - they wrinkle. etc...
Q: How is Colonel Sanders like most men?
A: All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: What do you do with a guy who thinks he's God's gift to women?
A: Exchange him.
Q: What should you give a man who has everything?
A: A woman to show him how to use it.
Q: What is a man's idea of an honest relationship?
A: Telling you his real name.
Q: What is the best way to make a man do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his feet.
Q: What is the difference between Big Foot and an intellegent man?
A: Big Foot gets spotted once in a while.
Q: What is the smartest way a man can begin a sentence?
A: "My wife says..."
Q: Why are dumb blande jokes all one liners?
A: So men can understand them.
Q: Why did God create man before woman?
A: Because you're always suppose to have a rough draft before creating a masterpiece.
Q: Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
A: To keep from grazing.
Q: Why is psycoanalysis a lot quicker for men than women?
A: When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
Q: Why do men need an instant replay on TV sports?
A: Because after 30 seconds, they forget what happened
Q: Is this seat taken?
A: No, and the one I'm in won't be either if you sit there.
Q: You place or mine?
A: Both, you go to your place and I'll gon to mine.
Q: If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?
A: If I said I had contagious genital herpes can I sit on your face!
Q: Haven't I seen you somewhere before?
A: Yes, and that's why I don't go there any more.
Man: I'd like to call you, what's your number?
Woman: It's in the phone book.
Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman: That's in the phone book too.
Man: Haven't we met before?
Woman: Yes, I'm one of the nurses at the VD clinic.
Man: I'd go through anything for you!
Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account and credit cards.
Man: Hey, come on baby, we're both here at this bar for the same reason.
Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!
Man: What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?
Woman: Waiting for some idiot like you to come along and bore me to tears with pathetic lines.
Man: So, d'ya wanna go back to my place?
Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?
Man: I'm hear to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.
Woman: Oh!, you meen you can lend me a donkey and a Great Dane?
Man: I can tell you want me
Woman: You're so right. I want you to go away!
Q: What's your sign?
A: Take your pick:
NO DOGS ALLOWED! DO NOT ENTER!
NO VACANCY!
BEWARE OF BITCH, I MEAN DOG!
CAUTION: P.M.S. COULD STRIKE ANY TIME!
WARNING: MY P.M.S. DOESN'T KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS! DAMN IT!
(Got more? Send 'em to me, I have heard a few real winners myself. Not towards me of course!)
* Both take up too much space on the bed.
* Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
* Both are threatened by their own kind.
* Both like to chew wood.
* Both wark their territory.
* Both are bad at asking you questions.
* Neither tells you what's bothering them.
* Both tend to smell riper with age.
* The smaller ones tendto be more nervous.
* Neither does any dishes
* Both fart shamelessly.
* Neither of them notice when you get your hair done.
* They both like games of dominance.
* Neither understands what you see in cats.
* Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell men how wonderful they are.
* Women have their faults. Men have only two. Everything they say & everything they do!
* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who finds such a man.
* When a man gives his opinion, he's a man. -- When a woman gives her opinion, she's a bitch!
* Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dog's are man's best friend. Who's smarter?
* It's not true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer women who can simulate foolishness whenever necessary, which is the very core of their intellegence...
* Men are like mascara! They run at the first sign of emotion.
* Men are like parking spots. The good ones are already taken, and the ones left are usually handicapped.
* Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
* Men are like chocolate bars. Sweet & smooth and they usually go straight to your waste.
* Men are like bank accounts. Without moch money, they don't generate much interest!
* Men are like photocopiers! You need them for reproduction, but that's about it!
* Men are like computers. Hard to figure out, and they never have enough memory.
* Men are like fragments of soap. They get together in bars.
The top 10 things most men know about women:
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9.
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5.
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3.
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* Don't wear your glasses on a blind date. You will look better, and so will he.
* The ring rule: A watched telephone never rings.
* Don't imagine you can change a man, unless he's in diapers.
* If he asks what sort of books you're into, tell him checkbooks.
* The best way to get a man to do something is to tell him he's too old for it.
* If you want a commited man, look in the mental hospital.
* If he asks for your phone number on a first date, tell him it's in the phone book. If he doesn't know your last name, tell him, "that's in there too." (Unless you really like him and want to talk to him when he calls you because he was thinking of his last girlfriend and wants to make a comparison in his head. Otherwise he will likely call you sometime at 3:00am, after drinking all night with his buddies.) Are you going to tell me this has never happened to you?
* Until you really know a guy, never ask him to come over to your house and fix something. Trust me on this one. He will rush right over, and wreck it some more, then expect you to thank him for it.
(I hope you ladies found that little bit somewhat enlightening. From time to time I might put up the odd thing or two that guys will not likely tell you. Tell me what you think. I'm very often right. I should know, I'm a guy!!!)
You may notice there is a bit less content on this page. That's because I cleaned it up. I'm sure you will appreciate this somewhat. If you have any suggestions as to how to make this, or any other of my pages more fun and interesting, please let me know. Till another time, "The Joketender."