(the sequel!!!)
You don't think I was going to be cheap and put up just one page of jokes to slag men with, do you?
Many women do like me, mostly as a friend, probably because unlike most men they know. I listen to what they have to say.
You don't think I'm the type to let a good joke go in one ear and out the other. If you have any comments, jokes, or if you just want to say HI! to me. Please sign my guest book... Have fun!
"The Joketender"
A: Those men already have a boyfriend!
Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Because single women go home, see what's in the fridge, then go to bed. Married women go home, see what's in bed, then go to the fridge.
Q: Why do women have nipples?
A: If they didn't, their breasts would be pointless!
Q: If mothers have Mother's day and fathers have Father's day, what do single men have?
A: Palm Sunday!
Q: If black birds have black babies and blue birds have blue babies, what bird has no babies?
A: A swallow...
Ladies, be glad you aren't an armadillo: An armadillo always gives birth, 4 at a time, always identical quadruplets, and always the same sex.
So you think men are pigs? Do you know the difference between a pig and a hog?:
A pig is a hog -- Hog is a generic name for all swine -- but a hog is not a pig. In the terminology of hog raising, a pig is a baby hog less than ten weeks old.
(I think I may have let the cat out of the bag, since I seem to know so much about pigs.)
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There's no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance of making it logical."
"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Means: "I can't hear the football game over the vacuum cleaner!"
"THAT'S INTERESTING DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"
"HEY, I'VE GOT REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Means: "And I sure hope I can think of some really soon."
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?
Means: "What did you catch me at?"
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE"
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC!"
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving already!"
"UH HUH", "SURE, HONEY", OR "YES DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing, it's a conditioned response.
"I CAN'T FIND IT".
Means: "It didn't fall directly into my out stretched hands, so I'm completely clueless".
"I HEARD YOU".
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me about it".
"I WAS JUST THINKING OF YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling these roses on the corner was a real babe".
(I do have more, trust me. I'll post them later...)
* On Groundhog day, if he saw his shadow, he'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's day too...
* Breaking up would be much easier. A smack to the buttocks and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time", would pretty much do it.
* St. Patrick's day, however, would remain the same, but it would be celebrated every month.
* Garbage would take itself out.
* Kathy Lee Gifford would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
* The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a different camera angle".
* Instead of "Beer-bellies" they would get "Beer-bicepts".
* Tanks would be easier to rent.
* When a cop gave them a ticket, every smart-aleck answer they'd responded with would actually reduce the fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is I was spilling beer all over the place!"
Cop: "Nice one, that's $10.00 off".
* Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
* Every man would get four real "Get out of Jail Free" cards per year.
* Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation about anything but sports and cars. Or sports cars and of course beer.
* The victors of any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
* It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
* Instead of a fancy expensive engagement ring, a man could present his wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
* When a man's girlfriend needed to talk to him during the football game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during half-time.
* Nodding and looking at his watch would be an acceptable response to, "I love you".
* The funniest guy in his office would get to be CEO.
* Hallmark would make, "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.