Advice Page
was last in:
November 11,2002
- If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer that question honestly.
- If you ask us a question you don't expect an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
- Peeing standing up is more difficult that sitting down, we are bound to mis sometimes.
- Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair looks good with your dress?
- Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissable in an arguement. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
- If something we've said can be interpreted in two ways, and one of them will make you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
- You can either tell us to do something or tell us how to do something, but not both.
(More to come; "The Joketender"
13. Psycotic Mood Shift
12. Pack My Stuff
11. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
10. Perpetual Munching Spree
9. Puffy Mid Section
8. People Make me Sick
7. Provide Me with Sweets
6. Pardon My Sobing
5. Pimples May Surface
4. Pass My Sweatpants
3. Pissy Mood Syndrome
2. Plainly, Men Suck!
1. Pass My Shotgun
I find that PMS stands for Permissable Manslaughter! What do you think?
Why not try a little prayer I use from time to time, I don't know if it will make your day go better, but it sure makes me feel better!
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off!
And also, help me be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the ass I have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work...
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
and 5% on Fridays
And help me remember...
When I'm having a really bad day, and it seem like everyone is trying to piss me off. It takes fourty-two muscles to frown, but only four to extend my middle finger!!!
Feel any better? I hope so...
You may find this works better when said out loud! In front of those who are ruining your day...
There are five things that a woman should never ask a guy, according to an article in an issue of Sassy magazine.
The five questions are:
1/ "What are you thinking?"
2/ "Do you love me?"
3/ "Do I look fat?"
4/ "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
5/ What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major arguement and or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.
For example:
1/ "What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously this statement bears no resemblance to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which is most likely one of these five things:
a/ Football
b/ Baseball
c/ How fat you are.
d/ how much prettier she is than you.
e/ How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
2/ "Do you love me?'
The correct answer to this question is, "yes." For those guys who feel they need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "yes, dear." Wrong answers include:
a/ I suppose so.
b/ Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c/ That depends on what you mean by "love."
d/ Does it matter?
e/ Who, me?
3/ "Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and empathetically state, "no, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a/ I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b/ Compared to what?
c/ A little extra weight looks good on you.
d/ I've seen fatter.
e/ Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4/ "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident, or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "no, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:
a/ Not prettier, just in a different way.
b/ I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c/ Yes, but I bet you have a better personality!
d/ Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e/ Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5/ What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear," said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" asked the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would," replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes, I think that would be the correct thing to do," answered the husband.
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "SHE'S LEFT-HANDED!"
I will dedicate this one to a very smart and lovely friend, Brandi...
A philosophy professor stood before his class. He picked up a large empty glass jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks. He then asked the students if they though the jar was full? They all agreed it was. The professor then picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course the sand filled up all of the remaining space.
"Now," the professor said. "I want you to think of the jar as your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your children and your health. Things that if you lost every thing else in your life, they would still remain. The sand is every thing else. The small stuff."
"If you put the sand first in the jar, there would be no room for the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all of your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you."
Then, a student took the jar which the professor and the other students agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a can of beer. Of course the beer filled all of the remaining space, making the jar truly full.
The moral of this story:
"No matter how full your life may seem, there is always room for BEER!"
Cheers, "The Joketender"