Churchy's Corner

I'd like to start this week with the announcement of some good news. I'm glad to be able to reveal that Smut has received the all clear from the clinic! I've received several messages over the past week from readers of this column concerned over the well being of Smut's schlong, so I know that this news comes as a relief to many of you. Let us all hope that our erstwhile lothario takes more care with any future conquests.

The rock behemoths that are known as 'Surface to Air' made a welcome return at Clockwork in Angel last week. A surprisingly large Thursday night turnout from the massive meant that the band were playing to their largest crowd in recent times. They sauntered onto stage at 8.35pm, 15 minutes later billed, with the assembled masses beginning to grow restless. Their opening track received a mixed response from audience, who seemed at odds with the band after the arrogance showed by their tardiness. However, as they launched into their second track they stepped it up a gear and the place started to rock. By the end of the set, the sambucca was flowing and the members of the audience who were still paying attention gave Surface to Air a heartfelt round of applause. (more details on Surface to Air can be found at www.surfacetoair.net

With England's make of break world cup qualifiers coming up in a couple of weeks, I was horrified to hear the news the 'G-Man' Gary Neville has been ruled out with injury. After the Nevilleless England team's unsurprising loss to Northern Ireland, I think we all realised that the England team without a Neville is like the badger without a fag in his mouth.... just plain wrong. This has got Jimba-Jimba and myself round to thinking of the future of English football, and who should be in the team if we manage to scrape through to the 2006 World Cup finals in Germany. We both agree that what England need is a team full of Neville's, and this is our teamsheet so far:

• Neville Southall (yes, he's Welsh, but since England owns Wales he can play for us)
• Gary Neville, a.k.a G-Man or Big G
• Phil Neville
• Neville from Harry Potter
• Neve Campbell (Jimba assures me 'Neve' is female for Neville)
• Neville Neville (the Neville bro's Dad - if he's blessed with a third of
  the skill that his boys have, then the World Cup's as good as ours)
• Neville Chamberlain

As you can see, there are a few places up for grabs. We need everyone to start scouting for Nevilles. If any Neville catches your eye and you think they're worth a place in the team send their details to me at [email protected] I haven't received any letters seeking advice this week, which is due to the fact that everyone forget about their own troubles as they were all far more worried about Smut. If any of you do need advice about any issue from any walk of life, you can email me at the above address. It goes without saying that all letters I receive will be treated with the utmost confidence, and anonymity will be respected at all times.