Issue Four: Coming October 1
Attack of the Metrosexual
All across America and the world for that matter, men, women and, children of all ages have weekly traditions. For some it consists of a family outing to the mall, for others it’s the one on one dinner date with that close friend. For gay men, it’s a weekly trip to the spa followed by a day of shopping and a liquid lunch. This past Saturday was no exception for my friend Josh and I. Kevin “the hands” Miller had just ribbed me down and I was feeling pretty good about myself, when Josh came into the salon area and sat at the manicurist booth next to me.
“I was thinking Buca’s for lunch,” Josh said as Ms. Swan (that’s what we call her because she happens to be from China and her last name is Swan), began to place his feet into the basin for soaking. Two bottles of Evian and one fresh French pedicure later, Josh was reading the gay man’s bible GQ, when his attention was diverted to something, more as to someone walking into the salon. “Johnny, incoming.” I turned just in time to see one of God’s best works up-right, waltz into the room. His hair was like golden rays of light flowing in the breeze that almost seem to come from out of nowhere. The spa robe hung on him, which outlined his perfectly sculpted body. He smiled at Josh and I as he made his way to the booth next to Josh. He sat down and as if he was an old friend and, began to talk to Josh. “Did you see the article on how Italian wool is making a comeback?” he said as he tightened the belt on his robe.
While Josh was having a mental orgasm, I politely reminded our new Apollo that Italian wool was never out of style. We soon found out that his name was Shane Tolbert, a twenty-eight-year-old, public relations executive from Carmel. For the next two hours we chatted about everything from fashion, to food, to that age-old debate of spit or swallow. Shane seemed perfect. Smart, funny, attractive and, aware. As he excused himself to take a call, Josh called for a sidebar. “Okay I think I am going to ask him out for a drink….what do you think?” My smile was just the encouragement Josh needed. As Shane came back into the room Josh made his play. “So Shane, I was thinking maybe we could have dinner sometime?” It was perfect, one good looking man to another. Like AT&T, a connection was being established…that is until the unthinkable happened.
“Sure, I’d love too, I don’t think my wife will mind.”
Josh was crushed.
What went wrong? Josh, a good-looking man in his own right, funny, successful and, smart had missed the clues. How could he have not seen the signs? How was it that a man like Shane could slip through the radar. Four hours later we were still examining the clues. It was a spa, he was alone receiving a manicure and facial. He was well groomed and was aware about who was wearing what and doing who. What was in now that was once out. He even obsessed over Cher. So again, I asked myself, what went wrong? Later that night, Josh and I went to meet out hot but very straight friend David. As we entered the Bonefish Grill, there was David seated but he wasn’t alone. Once we reached the table we could clearly see who was seated with David, It was Shane from the spa.
For a moment I thought maybe he was a bi-guy playing the field while the wife was away on business. Then in that very moment it hit me. It was in front of our faces the entire time, Shane was a Metrosexual.
For those of you who have been in the closet since RuPaul and the “Supermodel” era, a Metrosexual sometimes referred to as a Gay-Straight-Man, is a man who has become overexposed to fashion and Martha Stewart. They are in the know when it comes to fashion trends, well groomed and in touch with their feelings. To put it bluntly, Metrosexual’s are nothing more than straight men who are in tune with their inner Homo and have the means (money) to keep themselves in tip top form. As I made my way home that night, I couldn’t help but wonder. Could gay and straight men really have a co-op when it comes to traits that we as gay men have held near and dear as our own?
However, the bigger question loomed about. Are Metrosexuals just our naďve doppelgangers or menacing interlopers?
For years and years all the hot guys have been gay (for the most part). We knew how to take care of ourselves and look good (again for the most part). Just when we found our calling in the world as a whole, it seemed as if Metrosexuals came in and stole all the glory of our finely tuned, meticulously plotted race. They began to take over our long-ago staked claim over society, fashion/glamour/pizazz.
They even threw off the cosmic balance of gay and straight. Gaydars that were once so on point were now malfunctioning. From knowing who Roberto Cavalli is to now inadvertently picking up all the tricks, Metrosexuals are in some ways undoing the very fabric of Gay society in which we worked so hard to build.
On the other hand, Metrosexuals could be and have been looked upon as a natural evolution in the hetro male. Some might even go as far as to say that they (Metro’s) are the very shape of things to come. It was bound to happen due to the fact that most women like gay men because they take such good care of themselves. With the strings of masculinity changing, straight men now find that they now can do all the shit in life that was once looked upon as “queer”. Without shame and stigma from their other male hetro friends. Yet if we are going to look at the evolution theory on Metrosexuals, then we have to look at the origins of straight man and what in the 60’s to early/mid 80’s, to today that was once considered as “gay traits”.
In the 60’s man (such as my then living father) would never leave the house not dressed. No matter what the occasion was even if only to go to the local corner store for a paper, men wore suits. It was Un-heard of to see a man (then referred to as a gentleman), out side his home in nothing less than a two piece suit. Men back then went to the barber for a shave as well as a haircut. Most barbers even had shoe shiners and young men who would clean and cut your nails for you. As the decade went on, Woodstock and free love (now know as casual sex) came into play. With it came the decline of the suit, as men seen wearing suits were looked upon as old fashioned or even archaic. As Vietnam went on, the suit was relegated to places like the HOP and studio 54. Men’s fashion had gone from dapper suits to rugged jeans with, an even rugged tureen on their heads and faces to match. (Sidebar: this look made it’s way back in the early 90’s, it was called Grunge, which in this writer’s opinion looked more like, “I didn’t wash my ass today”). By the mid-70’s unless you worked in an office, were going out for a night of club hopping or, some one had kicked the bucket there was no need to wear a suit let alone use hairspray or manicure. By the 80’s gay men had finally started to make enough strides to be publicly acknowledged (in a capacity other than a demeaning one). Like any other race, we brought with us our sense of style and fashion. At first straight men couldn’t remotely embrace the idea of gay men let alone the fashion and excess grooming habits outside basic soap and water. Women however flocked to it. They loved the fact that even though wouldn’t sleep with them, gay men knew how to treat them. Gay men also presented themselves in ways that women found alluring, intriguing and, appealing to the eye.
Little did women and gay men know that straight men were secretly behaving in ways that were still if done openly would be construed as “gay”. From shopping in pre-internet fashion (catalog), to cleaning their nails once a week themselves. Straight men were evolving. When the 90’s rolled in, gay was everywhere. From film, to tv, homosexuality went from underground rave, to pop-culture icon in the space of 2.2 seconds. Somewhere in the mix of all that, Metrosexuals popped up, almost like a proverbial jack-n-the-box. Although very liberating for straight men to now be able to wear Dolce & Gabbana, to know what a spa was and, have brunch in public and not have shame about it placed upon them, then a new problem arose. Something that no one really thought about. What was it you ask? The lines were now so blurred, that it made it almost impossible to tell who was gay and who was not. No better example is there than the reality tv show Boy Meets Boy .
The idea of this show was basically a gay version of the Bachelor with a twist, some of the guys were not homosexual, but in fact heterosexual. Many at home had such a difficult time telling who was gay or straight and, even though the contestant chose a male who was gay, seemed almost devastated. The fact that his own personal Gaydar had almost lead him to a handshake and an empty bed , than a trip to Aspen and weekend of un-inhibited, just sex seemed too much. This show for gay men, was our own personal 9/11. We could not believe that it was that easy to deceive us, not to mention that everything we built our foundation on as a community was now in some way trivialized. What was once something so small in numbers, was now everywhere. People became aware of the word “Metrosexual”, and what it meant not just to straight men but to gay men and the world at large. Some Metrosexuals have cashed in on this micro-androgyny and used their Metrosexuality as means of validation when their female counter parts wouldn’t indulge them in their childish-narcissistic behavior. As a result large numbers of gay men saw Metro’s as nothing more that a pain in the ass that wants “not to be gay” but can’t stand the way straight men act. Something so beautiful and liberating for straight men was now, turning into a living product-ridden hell. Gay men lashed out against Metro men everywhere. From name calling to brawls, gay men were harassing Metro men for no reason than the fact that they (straight men) wanted to look good and take care of themselves. Had anti-Metrosexual sentiment become the chosen form of Gay-bashing for the new millennium? So many questions like this and others began to pop up. Just when it seemed all so un-clear, something happened to change the notion of male identity in general.
Metrosexuals, who now at this point were coming under fire by conservative males (old-school republicans) as well as gays, started to define themselves. In the course of explaining that Metrosexuality had nothing to do with sexuality but had to do with straight men who appreciated the value(s) of gay men and our way of life. By not only acknowledging them but implementing them in their own lives. Once Metrosexual men started to define this new breed of straight male, they had also defended and validated Homosexuality and the very foundation of what it meant to be a gay male. Something in which as gay men, we still struggle with. In the midst of our Civil-sexual war, the enemy to the Gay man became one of our biggest allies and supporters.
Although some Metrosexuals and Gays alike would rather see this union come to a screeching halt than grow, there are plenty of others on both sides who are working towards a happy co-existence. Metro men are an evolution of not only straight males but gay males as well. They are a hybrid breed of gay males and straight males who are now learning to not only co-exist, they are sharing information about one another and learning not only more about each other but also about themselves through one another. Only time will tell if Metrosexual men are nothing more than a flash in the pan trend only die by way of Grunge, a new class of man that will have to have their own Stonewall and fight for a place of their own in the world at large. Perhaps in the end they will become an icon that will stand as an everlasting testament of how gay men and straight men came together as one and created something bigger than themselves.