If at first you DO succeed, try not to sound astonished.
Eagles may soar, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If a tree falls down in a forest, and nobody is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Nobody's perfect, and I'm a nobody, so I'm perfect!
Friends who think they're perfect are annoying to those of us who really are.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hands
There are two kinds of pedestrians: The quick, and the dead.
Don't be so humble; You're not that great.
Theres no such thing as nonexistance.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
Ay kneed too lern too spel end gramur betur kuz ime fayleen inglish claz.
Only idiots quote themselves. --Me
In a world of pollution, profanity, adolescence, zits, broccoli, racism, ozone depletion, sexism, stupid guys, and PMS, why the hell do people still tell me to have a nice day?
Careful. We don't want to learn from this. --Calvin
Where's my jacket? I've looked everywhere! Under the bed, over my chair, on the stairs, on the hall floor, in the kitchen. It's just not anywhere....Oh HERE it is! Who put it in the stupid closet!? --Calvin
Remember, three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them, would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
People have the right to be stupid, but some people abuse that privilege.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?
They say a picture is worth a thousand words, yet the guy at the gallery wouldn't trade me that painting for my newspaper.
To err is human. To forgive is not company policy.
Help stamp out, eliminate, and abolish redundancy!
Don't piss me off - I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.