Month 27 of no self injury on the 15th, today is the 10th. Things are amazing if anyone had ever told me that they would be as amazing as they now are I'd of said they were lying. I start a degree at the end of the month and so excited! The world is amazing, I am in love with life, and so proud of myself as have done this for me not anyone else, I no longer have a psych nurse or psychiatrist as they discharged me!
So I haven't self injured for just under 9 months. I do miss the caos, stability has taken a long time to get used to and I don't think nearly a year on that I am used to it yet! My scars are still very obvious but they are slowly healing and fading which is really good. Its strange to say that a large part of what was my life isn't such a significant problem any more,kinda strange when it dominated my life for so long. Earlier this year I did a presentation to a group of psychiatrists, it was kinda nice to be educating them rather than listening to their schpiel for once. I am actually happy and enjoying myself as well, nice change from spending my spare time in a+e departments!
So I ended up self injurying at some point early this morning, I am annoyed with myself as I had lasted 42 days which is 6 weeks. I gave in and cut, the blood went everywhere, I wrecked a towel but think it will wash out. Ended up passing out due to the amount of blood I lost, came round rung a friend who urged me to go to hospital to get it treat. Rung 999 got the paramedic crew from hell, 'This is the 3rd time in 6 months we have collected you for this' I informed them 'Its not a competition too see which set of paramedics can see me the most!' Got treat really well by A+E the doctor and her nurses were really nice. Had to see the shrink, he knows me from somewhere else he was ok and we had a good chat. Now its evening and I need some sleep Im exhausted.
Needed to go into town to meet up with a friend, but anxiety got the better of me, so I text messaged her and said I had something come up. I really needed to go into town though as so much to do. I hate the feelings I have inside me, I want to self injure again and its only been less than 2 days since I last did. Going to crash on my sofa with a dvd and chocolate. Wonder if I can hide until the feelings go?
My mum came over to my place for a chat, she saw my arm from Thursday morning and just gave me the look. The look of disapointment in her eyes, the look of wanting to ease my pain but not having a clue where to begin, I wanted a hug so much, but she tried to hug me and I flinched. We took my grandpa food shopping, it was good to see him, haven't seen him in a while. I managed to hug him without flinching, came back home and mum did the washing up for me. She left and I sat for a good half hour with my back against the door crying. I hate this pain and just want to know why me? Going to go put some music on full blast and think Il have a good yell to it!
Stupid GP surgory I swear I could be dying and they wouldnt want to know! I forgot to phone them towards the end of last week re getting the stitches out, but I forgot. Managed to get an appointment for Thursday, I just hope it is the nice nurse! What else have I done today? Erm hidden in bed and cried, spoken to a few friends and thats it!
It got up - oops! my arm is very bruised and swollen after thursday. Met up with a friend for lunch, had a good time. Felt the most relaxed I have been in a long long time. I have sent my social worker an email asking for some help, I think she'l be nice and help me. Sat here and reflected on the last year and realised i miss my life from last year, being free from these self injury demons.
Saw my social worker, she just has this way of being able to make me cheer up, we had a good chat and Iv decided Im going to start a new college course in september. Im getting a bit freaked out by noises out side. Guess I know I am safe inside but it is still a worry. My physical health is a mess, Im sleeping stupid hours and being sick a fair bit. I hate these illness' and have to ask WHY ME?
The last week hasn't been the easiest but hasnt been the worse Iv had either I think if it wasnt for the support of my friends. My friends are a special group and they all deserve a medal. I went to get my stitches out today and it was the evil nurse, who decided I had to think of something posititve about myself for each stitch she took out! But I had 30 stitches in my arm and couldnt think of that many! Oh well. Better plod on.