A Thought - Hilath's Home Page

A Thought

By Mariyam Nadhrath

She looked at his crumpled shirt, the mess on his table and the serious look on his face as he read one important document after the other.

She felt restless. As if she was Pandora and the box was begging to be opened. She had questions …and answers … and some thoughts that fit in to neither category.

Why did she like him? The question challenged her rational thought. Is it because fate had destined them to meet in this small cluttered office? A meeting that was simple and ordinary on the surface, but was chaos, if looked at, through her eyes.

She had been content, if not happy in her busy isolated existence, had even forgotten that she was supposed to be lonely. And then she met him. After that… few things had made sense.

She looked at him again. He rubbed his eyes and put his glasses back on, an action she had learnt to associate with him. Did it mean he was tired?

It frightened her that she didn't know him. She didn't understand him but had somehow arrived at the conclusion that he was good. Does one not fall in love with the eyes and then mind, heart and finally the body? How has he gone straight from eyes to body? Perhaps she did know him…or may be she didn't want to know him for fear that the perfect image she had painted of him would fade. She needed to believe that he was meant for her, at lease for the time being. Then she wouldn't lose the string and get lost in the labyrinth of her own cynicism.

The question made her wonder if she was attracted to not him but the thought of unwrapping something that she found interesting and mysterious. Perhaps something she regarded as her gift for missed and ill-timed Cupid's Arrows.

He got up and her eyes followed him as he got a drink. Coke. He looked at her with raised eyebrows. She nodded. Using lean fingers he opened the can for her and went back to his papers. She went back to her musing.

Why had it excited her to see him open the can? Why notice it in the first place? Because it was a display of strength, because of what he did for her? Was that why females tend to go for men who were taller and broader than them? Do we still harbor the secret wish to be small and dainty compared to a man? Are we looking for an unconscious guarantee that we would be kept safe?

She looked at him. He was tall. But that wasn't the reason…

Maybe she had needed someone to fantasize about so that she wouldn't fully forget that she was a woman.

He looked out through the window lost in thought. He was so close but yet so out of her reach. Yes... fantasizing about unattainable objects did give an objective to a life which went on because you were not dead yet.

It frustrated her… why why why… more than the feelings itself the evasiveness on the reasons for it disturbed her.

It was all chemical, wasn't it? The chemical reactions make our palms sweat and heart thud. Believing that explanation was easier since the reactions would not be conscious. She could then detach herself from the treacherous reactions of the mind and body. But… nothing was that simple. One cannot write it off as clinical chemical reactions. There had to be magic in there somewhere… the magic that brings a smile where tears had just treaded.

There just had to be magic. She couldn't believe it any other way… why had she been pulling it apart to find a speck of sense? What if there was no sense in it? Couldn't she just surrender to the unexplained beauty of it? Couldn't she just accept that she was simply attracted to him?

She should just tell him. But she was the female, should she? The question irritated her. Does sex determine the intensity and the legitimacy of one's feelings? She should definitely tell him.

But how? How does a human being drop all pretence, all expectations and fears and stand in front of another human being?. Would there be a more vulnerable form? Did she have the courage to do it? Does he mean that much to her?

He looked up and saw her blank stare. He smiled.

She smiled back. She must tell him or she would wonder for the rest of her life, think about what could have been.

She stood up and walked to him, started talking and didn't stop until she had nothing more to say.

What happened next was not important. What was important was that she had reached out for something she had thought was meant for her. It was indeed … was it not enough…???

(This story was published in the Monday Times, Maldives' only English language weekly newspaper.)

FEEDBACK

@ "An excellent portrayal of confusion, anxiety, and conflicts of emotion. Well versed and well layed out. Thumbs up."--Ahmed Shaheem Razee, Maldives, 27 May 2003

@ "A beautiful, earnest portrayal of confusion and courage. Striving for what’s meant for you…hmm.. that’s how it should be. I was happy she finally summoned up the nerve to open up and got what she wanted. Of all the 24 questions she has posed I’d like to take note of the big one which is “should the female propose?” I don’t see anything wrong with that. Its just a misconception that has been around ever since the beginning of humanity, that the guy should initiate. But I think we’re finally beginning to accept it shouldn’t be that way afterall. This story is testimony. Anyway, good work!"--Sharif Ali, Maldives, 28 Dec 2002