I have been known to be a smartass
A picture of me talking.
I can be creepy when I want to
Being ugly might come in handy one day
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***Cuddling Orgy***
My current webpage, which I like to call the "Cuddling Orgy," is my first and least successful page. It was a page first intended to just appease the masses (as they were always asking for more Matthew), but now it is more than that. It is an information station for the greatest club in the world, a perfect source of knowledgeable quotes and facts, and, greatest of all, a "purging" of humans from their usual perverted, child-raping selves, into really suave pimpsters of pimptresses. I will not bore you with the details of the origin of all of the pages, but their pretty neat. It's kinda like evolution... if you know what I mean.
***Love Life (not lack there of)***
So this topic. It's a hard one to write about, I won't lie to you. I guess I could start out my informing you that I did have two previous girlfriends (two, in case you didn't catch that), Dietlinde (7th grade) and Julee (8th grade). Neither of them I talk too much anymore though. Dietlinde is still very cool, although I haven't seen her since Headbangers last year (and I don't know if I even remember correct, because I was so wasted), and Julee, unfortunately, tends not to think to highly of me at all. I think that to sum up my love life so far, it has pretty much gone downhill ever since I hit puberty. Now that I have moved away from the giant lake of Paschal with all of those GIANT movie star fishy wishies, though, I can settle down and start fishing for some nicer, more deicate medium sized ones. And, not to brag, but I've actually reached 2nd base with a girl. She gave me a bookmark that was still in good condition. So the thought has crossed my mind to just give up and have sex with the bookmark, but why stop there? Eh? I have lots of opportunities up here. I'm a whole new, self made, utterly delicious man, and MY name... is Smatthew.
***Talking***
If I have any strengths at all, I feel that my greatest strength must be the ability to talk with my mouth closed, while still talking in a very angry, powerful, and deep voice. Many people ask me why I do not open my mouth when I talk, but what kind of a question is that? Why SHOULD you open your mouth when you talk? Everyday, I probably conserved about 30-40 Joules of energy by keeping my mouth closed. Also from using my jaw muscles to clench my teeth and look creepy and angry, I have made my jawbone to be one of the strongest things in the world. I actually have to tape it up sometimes because it is so ripped. And after ALL OF THAT, despite my lack of opening my mouth and powerful jaw muscle, I have been told by people like Zack Schlachter and Andrew Cobert that my speech is still as flowing and beautiful as a mystical talking goose. Thanks pals!
***Gaming***
Now this paragraph could probably be more than just a paragraph, because I am no normal guy with a life and stuff, but it won't be that long because I have made a blood pact with myself to keep it short, simple, and to the point (like my penis). Games are good things. They are fun, they make you think, and they are good exercise, especially this game called Tactics. I have quite recently been obsessed with the game of Tactics, and play it quite often. Sometimes at home, sometimes at school, and sometimes in my head at night while I am asleep. It is kind of like chess, but it is a lot better and very addicting. As far as gaming systems go, I�m an SNES man (or child). They have the outstanding classics like Chrono Trigger (the best RPG of all times) and Super Bomberman 2 (the best multiplayer game of all time). Plus, unlike N64, they actually improved most of their games they took from the NES, including the Megaman series, Super Metroid, and Super Mario World. I don�t want to go to in depth, but I will when I make my GAMING PAGE!!! Oh yeah, and soccer is an okay game too, but only nerds play that nowadays, and who likes a nerd????
***Volunteer-man for Life***
Currently, I volunteer about 4-6 hours a week tutoring kids at the Boys Club in Valparaiso. I originally got the job figuring that if I made all of the boy children smarter than all of the girl children, then eventually we would get to take away women's rights from America. I was informed however, that that is not the case. We actually both tutor both sexes (hence the name, the Boys and Girls Club), and there are actually even MORE girls than guys (which makes sense since girls are stupider and need more help). After volunteering for a while though, I realized that it isn't about the sex of the person, but about helping them. It is about reaching out and giving them the kind of support that you, or any other mammal in this world, would like to be given, and giving it to them hardcore. So that is a good job, and everyone should consider it. And don't think that's all. While I was back in Texas, I volunteered making about 1000 sandwiches every month, and volunteered at various other organizations, including the Food Bank, Special Olympics, and various church programs. Plus, I bought one of those cheap-ass rubber bracelets for a dollar that says "Tsunami Relief" on it, so that makes me a good person too. All in all, everyone should be kind and caring once in a while, and volunteer for a society near you!
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