 Hachland seemingly died over the past two weeks, but
you couldn't seriously believe that the fun was over... No, seriously, you
didn't believe it was over did you?
Silly, it's not over, because The Remedy is back. Also, I know Hach is working
on a new edition of Analyze Porn, and hopefully Toefer is working on something
as well, our past transgressions against each other apparently over.
Before I start though, a brief update. My new AIM name is UnbreakableMB .
You can also reach me at [email protected] , or [email protected]
. With that bit of business over, we can now get on with some entertainment.
It has come to my attention that people who read this site have only been
coming here for Hach's articles. I mean, it shouldn't be a total suprise,
as the name of the site IS Hachland, but let's get real. Hach does Analyze
Porn, what else does he do around here? For this reason, I have decided to
devise a chart for you to look at, in order to determine the contributions
to Hachland...
... An endorsement by Stephen Hawking?!?!? That's an honor right up there
with being given a Nobel Peace Prize by Ghandi! That's like being given a
scholarship to Harvard! That's like being invited to Neverland Ranch for
camp! Har... On Dr. Hawking's recommendation, I'll stick with Matt and Toefer,
but Hach does have some good to offer (i.e. ANALYZE PORN), and I recommend
that all of you do that as well.
I'm sure you all see my points there, but there's no need to rub it in, so
I'll just continue with The Remedey a bit longer, then pack it in.
Something that's been on my mind lately is the amount of Award Shows that
we now have. Most recently, of course, are The Commies (Comedy Central awards,
not the Russian equivalent of Ms. America) and the Video Game Awards, or
VGA's. It seems like nowadays there is a fucking awards show for everything.
In the not so distant future, there will be awards for tooth brushing, or
eating, or bathing... You get the idea. And I'm sure that there are already
awards for all of those three things I mentioned.
These are the two newest shows though, and I've got to say that one of them
was good, the other was just... Pitiful...
The VGA's were actually pretty entertaining and had me laughing at parts.
"We look like Roman Hookers!" had me balling on the floor. I'd mention what
game that was making fun of, but nobody would get it besides people who play
games. The game is Gladius... There, ya fuckin happy! The awards were hosted
by David Spade, there were no nominees (JUST winners), hot girls, wrestling,
and overall just a bunch of shit thrown together to please college guys.
It was a great show.
The Commies should have been the same thing, but they failed miserably, mostly
because of who WON the awards. You mean to fuckin tell me the entire US thinks
that Wanda Sykes is the funniest comedienne? GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! I
can't think of any one time that I have laughed at her AT ALL. Period. End
of story. I can't laugh. She's not funny, she's nothing more than an annoying,
black woman. Which just described EVERY black woman in the world. ANNOYING.
That's nothing racist, just an observation from someone who's lived in a
major city all his life. And speaking of them, Queen Latifah. When has she
EVER done anything funny? Living Single was moderately entertaining at times,
but Bringing Down The House? Who the fuck went to see that piece of shit?
Not only did it have Latifah, but it had Steve Martin too. Anything with
Steve Martin after like 1995 has NO chance of being funny. Which leaves Latifah
as a FAT, ANNOYING, black woman... Meaning? No reason to live. DIE! Also,
Jon Stewart winning Funniest Person Of The Year was probably deserved. The
man is hilarious, but it's not on like a daily basis. He's funny, but day
to day he'll be unfunny on the Daily Show. Conan O'Brien should have won
it, my personal opinion. Nobody is funnier on a more consistent basis than
Conan is. Moving on...
I haven't done much lately due to lack of money, from lack of working, so
I haven't had much to talk about. That's changing quickly though, as in the
last two weeks I began drinking again, quickly bringing me back into the
world that I thought I left behind me for good. And let me say, what a fuckin
mistake that was. I should have never given up drinking, and the fun social
life around it. I kind of feel like I was a recluse during the past few months.
The only problem with my drinking is, I never know how to stop, thus I fuck
myself over in the end. Oh, that and the fact that I can NEVER turn down
a challenge. Let me run down the past:
- Matt's 18th Birthday: Matt is challenged to go to Barnes & Noble to
buy his first porn... Legally. Matt buys said Playboy (Chyna issue) and exits,
then is challenged again. This time to ride on the hood of associate Eric's
Tempo. Matt gets the hood of the Tempo, as Tim gets on the trunk. Eric drives,
reaches 20 and Tim flies off the back, unhurt. Eric reaches around 30, Matt
flies off the side of the hood, hits the pavement and rolls 15 feet, breaking
2 ribs.
- April 2002: Matt is required to be at court the next day to testify on
behalf of associates Matt F. and Mike K. On this night, a gathering occurs
to talk about the court appearance, but plans are instead made to have fun.
Idea at hand: Matt is challenged to get into a bathtub tied to Matt F's car
and ride in it. Result: Matt rides in the fridge in a parking lot, no problem.
Car gets to about 35mph, when the refriderator hits a pothole and flies in
the air, tossing Matt out, and doing a 360 before falling on Matt. Matt tares
apart his right hand, goes to court next day and tells Judge he "fell down
the stairs."
See? There are many more, but those are the glaring examples. And I wasn't
even drunk then... Last Friday though, I decided to attend a party and drink,
which turned out bad right away when I walked in the door and had drank 7
or 8 shots within a half hour of arriving. Cap that off with about 2 or 3
beers, and I'm trashed. So I sit upstairs at the kitchen table of my friend
Tim A's house and talk to Amber, a friend, about somethings that occured
earlier. As I'm talking, our friend Chris is cleaning up a bit, tossing all
the various half finished beers and unopened beers, and pouring them all
into a small trash can. Soon, the trashcan was filled with cold, delicious
golden liquid, which he then sits right in front of me. I stare at it for
a few seconds, as most of the people still at the party start to go into
the living room as it dies down. And suddenly, a crowd starts to form around
me as Chris offers me 50 dollars to drink the trash can of beer.
Normally, I would do this just on the challenge alone. I'd have second thoughts
due to the mixing of beers and such, but I'd do it just because I never back
down. However, the promise of 50 bucks makes it much easier.
So I grab the trashcan and start to bring it to my mouth, when Jesse and
Matt F. to my right begin to pool money for me NOT to drink the beer. The
total reaches 31 dollars for me to not drink the beer, but I just shake my
head and start to drink. As I'm drinking beer out of a trashcan, Chris begins
to explain that I need to finish it in half an hour in order to gain the
50. No problem. I GUZZLE the beer out of the trash can, as all around me
I hear "That is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen." Bleh... I drink
3/4 of the trashcan in about 5 minutes time, when Derek and some others take
the trashcan from me, with promises that I will die if I finish. After that...
Well, ya got me, I blacked out at that point and didn't wake up til 6:30am
when Tim J. wakes me up to go home.
I spent Saturday throwing up twice, then getting up at 4pm and going to work.
So that goes to show you, once a drunk, always a drunk. I'm just out of practice.
And for future notice, if you challenge me to do something, I WILL do it.
Bottom line. Short of eating human crap, I will do just about anything, with
or without money attached.
There are several Hachland projects in the works, many of which I can't speak
of, but I have high hopes for. For anybody who doesn't know, I'm a Communications
Major in college, so my aim is to one day be something in the radio industry.
Does that mean host? Maybe... Does that mean producer? Possibly... Does that
mean Hachland Radio could be in the future? Let me consult my magic 8-ball...
*SNIFF* "All signs point to I'm fucked up."
I feel like that is enough for now, so let's say goodbye and stick around.
In about a day or so I will release what I'll tenatively call "In the Year
2000... And 4!!!: A Look Into The Future Of Hachland."
Peace Out Kiddies,
Matt
P.S. Why Is There Yellow Snow? |
