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You Know EXACTLY     November 24th, 2003 • Written By: Matt

Keeping up with Hach's theme of attacking child molestors (I won't mention Michael Jackson's name... twice...), everybody enjoys a good anecdote; What's the worst part about raping a 12 year old? Answer: Getting the blood off your clown suit. What's the best part about raping a 12 year old? Answer: Hearing the hip break when you've gone JUST far enough. It's like a popper in the turkey: You know EXACTLY when it's just right. Ok, so now I can officially welcome you all back to The Remedy. It's been quite a long time since my last appearance via The Remedy, and there's a good reason for that: I have done just about exactly nothing. Aside from going back to work (Gamestop AND Acme Markets) I haven't done much due to lack of money. Saw Gothika on Friday night, and that was just about the only thing I've done. I wish I could regal you all with tales of exciting adventures, but alas, I have none. The closest I can get to that is to inform you all that I have re-entered the world of drinking... And what a wonderful world it is. Seriously, I forgot how much fun it really can be to just enjoy a good night of getting piss drunk. It's been such a long time for me, especially when I've had to take shit for the past two months since I turned 21 because I decided not to drink. But with life events having left me depressed lately, I figured "Hey, why the fuck not." So on Friday Night, I went to my local VFW with my aunt and drank until I could no longer see straight... Which really didn't take long. You have to take into account the facts that I haven't drank for about 6 months, and that I've lost quite a bit of weight and gotten into better shape since then. Which means? TWO BEER QUEER. Without a doubt I was buzzed within four beers. No lie, I felt like the world's biggest pussy. I'm sure with a little more practice I can be the drinker I once was... Well, at least TRY to be the drinker I once was. If you doubt my prowess, ask Hach about the night I sat at my computer and downed 15 shots of Baccardi, and was still typing and acting lively. Anybody else would have DIED. Funny thing that tolerance is, it can make or break you. In Other News... Hachland Wrestling: Hachland Wrestling has officially begun, and the feedback has been less than pleasing. Actually, it can't be great since we don't have the forums up, nor do we have much of an audience for the site, but we're getting there. Sooner than later Hachland will be on the charts, and Hachland Wrestling, my project, will be a big part of it. Check Out Hachland Wrestling sometime tomorrow night for a WWE Smackdown from Thursday and a RAW report. Also, check for Matt Skills on Wednesday, and the Week In Review on Thursday. Movies: Saw Gothika, and I gotta admit it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Don't take that to mean I thought it was good, because that would be a laughable thing to assume. The movie was far from good, but most people screamed in the right parts, and overall enjoyed it. Following the movie, a discussion broke out between myself and my associate XEVRX(Tim) about the genre of the movie: TIM: The best movie from tha genre is still Stir Of Echoes. MATT: Yeah, I didn't expect anything when I saw that in theatres, but it was really good... I only saw it because of Kevin Bacon anyway... TIM: And it's still kinda indy, not really known. MATT: Yeah... And hey, the song from Stir Of Echoes was better too! "Paint It Black" kicks any song's ass... Perhaps I'll review Gothika in the coming days. Music: Nothing of note here accept that Fountains Of Wayne has finally hit it big, so I'll probably have to stop listening to them. Sad day... I mean... I know it might be wrong, but I'm in love with "Stacey's Mom"... Zing... Football: What the fuck is up with the NFL? Cincinnati is quickly becoming the scarriest team in the NFL. Check these offensive stats from today against San Diego:  - John Kitna: 243 Passing Yards, 4 TDs  - Corey Dillon: 108 Rushing Yards, 1 Catch/5 Yards  - Rudi Johnson: 65 Rushing Yards, 2 Catches/21 Yards  - Chad Johnson: 10 Catches/107 Yards/3 TDs  - Kelley Washington: 5 Catches/61 Yards/1 TD That's a fuckin offense. Not to mention that Peter Warrick also throws up a TD or two once every two weeks, and he can return punts and kicks. The Bengals are for real. I said it before the season, and I'll say it again now: Cinci is good, their D is good, and they'll win some games. Dante Hall has slowed down, so who is the current front runner for NFL MVP? Most peeps would say Steve McNair, or Donovan McNabb based on the way he's "come back." But knowing my hatred for McNabb, most people wouldn't say it to my face. So who would I pick? Torry Holt, Jamal Lewis, Matt Hasselbeck, or Jon Kitna. MVP, by definition, is the Most Valuable Player to their team. Those four players are directly responsible for their team's success. Hasselbeck has gotten Seattle into 2nd Place in the NFC West. Torry Holt has made Marc Bulger look amazing when he's had an awful year. Jamal Lewis has only started the year and kept being the league's best back, but he's kept Baltimore in the AFC North lead with Cinci breathing down their backs. And Jon Kitna, the castoff from Seattle who has put the Bengals back on the map. Not including today's game, Kitna had 2297 Passing Yards and 15 TDs. Good stuff, the rest of the year should be DAMN interesting. Keyshawn Johnson was deactivated by the Bucs this week, posing the question: Where will Keyshawn play next year? My answer? Dallas, San Francisco, or Oakland. Dallas is the obvious No.1 due to Bill Parcels as coach. San Fran I'd say is No.2 since Terrell Owens will be out and they'll need a new Number One threat. And the darkhorse? Oakland. The Raiders will probably be saying goodbye to Jerry Rice and Tim Brown after this year, and they'll need some targets for Marques Tuiasosopo. They've already got Jerry Porter, but they need another guy. Who better than Keyshawn? That's all the news I can think of at this point, but I'm sure I'll remember more as soon as I forward this to Hach. Brace yourself for another article from Toefer, we know how hard it was to swallow his first, and the next should be no different. Hey, I've got an idea, why don't I start doing a line by line interpretation of my favorite song! "High Hopes!" "He's got... Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh Hopes...." This guy is obviously serious about his future. He knows what he wants. "He's got... Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh Hopes...." He said it twice! Which makes me think "high" actually means something else... Perhaps it's code for... (Looking around nervously: whispers) Smoking a Marijuana Cigarette! "He's got, high apple-pie in the skyyyyyyy hopes!" He wants the American dream, obviously. What else does Applie Pie stand for? The American Dream Baby. A wife, 2.8 kids, a picket fence, and a mini-van for your quickly widening wife's ass. "High" is a code, he's stoned! I hope you enjoyed that, it's my favorite new segment of The Remedy. Anyway, I'll put out another edition in a day or so with some serious entertainment, this was just a break back in edition.

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