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Hachland Gets Mattitude 2nd Ed.     October 24th, 2003 • Written By: Matt

I'm sitting here at my computer, boredom rolling out my ass as I write this. Last time I wrote for Hachland, my first edition (Don't be stupid), I kinda wrote about who I am. I got a modest response for my article, so I'm coming back... Ok, I actually got no response, but I was once told that people enjoyed reading my stuff, so I'm back to kinda rant and rave once again. Went to see Texas Chainsaw Massacre twice last weekend. Decent movie, that's about all I've got to say. Perhaps if I get more inspiration later, you'll see a review somewhere below this babble. In other news, saw Fuel/Smile Empty Soul on Wednesday (Oct 22). Must say that Fuel blew my mind with their performance, just because I didn't expect them to be that good live. They actually rocked alot more than I figured they would live. With that said, I was DAMN disappointed with Smile Empty Soul. Not by their performance, but by the crowd. The crowd was COMPLETELY FUCKIN DEAD. Which kinda sucks, Smile Empty Soul is friggin tight. Rockin songs, good lyrics, decent fanbase. But being a Fuel concert, this was a Fuel crowd. Somewhat of an older audience, somewhat of a younger audience, and alot of pussies. In other words, NO moshing. Which blew... Speaking of Babbles, it seems like the Hachland staff might be coming together pretty quickly. Hach, myself, perhaps Toefer, who knows. All I've got to say is that I'm in on the ground floor, and when this thing takes off, It's Takin Off! I might as well curb your disappointment in me now, and perhaps relate one of the daily funny stories/tales that seem to happen in my life. Some of them I have videos for, but mostly I've just got funny stories about things in my past. So I guess I'll start with one of the stories most people enjoy the most: My Trip To A Philadelphia Crackhouse... As a bit of background, my friends and I used to go into the city nearly every Friday and Saturday night starting my Senior Year Of High School. I couldn't wait to get out of High School, one of my friends dropped out (Kotch), another was just annoying (Eric), and another was "the leader" (Flower). On one particular Friday/Saturday night, myself, Kotch, and Flower figured it'd be a good idea to go into the city to locate a bum (Named "Jesus" due to an interview Flower held with him where he insinuated he was in fact Jesus) that we had befriended at 2nd and Market streets, in order to supply him with some boots in his quest for a job. When we arrived though, Jesus wasn't around, so we took our video camera instead and walked around just looking for interesting things. Events were dead this night though, so we began walking back to Flower's car. Along the way, we passed a second Bum that we befriended, Blue (who two weeks before sold Eric crack to sell back home, which "mysteriously" disappeared in Eric's bedroom before sale). It then became our idea that we should find a hooker, and make her strip on camera for us to put on our website, then go to during school to anger teachers. Blue said he could hook us up, then asked for a ride home, which seemed somewhat harmless... Until he was in the car directing us into West Philly. I won't claim to be very tough, or fearless, but I can still hold my own pretty well. Driving into West Philly though... Scary. Scenery goes from: McDonald's, Bank, Chicken, McDonald's, Blockbuster... To: Crackhouse, Crackhouse, Liquor Store, Shitty Corner Market, Crackhouse, Liquor Store, etc... You get the picture. Several miles into West Philly, Blue tells us to stop, then invites us in for a bit. Also seemed harmless... Until we realized that it wasn't HIS crackhouse, it was pretty much his entire family's crackhouse. So hear we are, three suburban white kids, sitting in the living room of a crackhouse with Blue, his brother, two other angry, muscled black men, and Blue's "Momma." Think Big Momma's House, except on Crack. She sat in the living room in a rocking chair, a stack of boxed 40oz's next to her, 8 in a box, selling them for like 2 bucks a piece. So the whole time we're sitting there, various people are coming in, purchasing 40's, then walking out, all the while eyeing us up. All three of us sat around, somewhat scared, but not showing it. Blue's Brother disappeared into the "kitchen" and came back with three Dixie cups full of an unknown liquid. Kotch and Flower held there's for a couple moments, as I shook my cup around, the Big Momma looking at me suspiciously. As I'm looking at her, Flower disappears out the front door with Blue, who then comes back in and grabs the video camera out of my hand, then leaves again. So me and Kotch are sitting on the couch in this crackhouse, with the Big Momma, Blue's brother, and the two other angry blacks. So what do I do? Quickly down the strange liquid, then grab Kotch's Dixie and down that one, then down the one Flower left behind in quick succession, getting a smile from Big Momma. About 20 minutes passed until Blue came back in and got me and Kotch, bringing us outside where Flower was waiting by his car. As we approached somewhat scared, Flower informed me that one of Blue's angry "Associates" was arranging to purchase my video camera from me for $20, so Blue snatched it and stuck it in Flower's car. All back together now, Blue leads us across the street and through some back allies, where we arrive at the broken down remnants of what used to be part of a house. We step over the bricks and towards a door, then knock twice before another black answers and lets us in. All three of us sat on a couch in front of various garbage, boxes, lamps, etc... that barricaded the front door to the house. The new black informed us that he'd get one of his "girls" to come in and strip for us, but we had to give her $40 so she could get a "fix". Somehow I got roped into paying the majority, and Blue and his friend disappeared somewhere. For about half an hour we sat around the crackhouse, alone, just sitting dead still in case another was in the house somewhere. Somewhere in my video library is a videotape of Flower standing in the dark, by the door of the crackhouse, looking dead serious, commenting how this was "like Blair Witch, except very real and much scarier." Priceless line, have to find that tape. After the half hour, Blue and the pimp return and bring the UGLIEST black girl I've ever seen into the room, not that I find many black chicks attractive to begin with. She demands the money, which we give, then begins to show us the DIRTIEST things I've ever seen in my entire life. Lemme give you just one line she used in reference to her body "Most white girls shave that, but not me..." while also TOUCHING said body part. Think 5 pounds of roast beef smashed to shit with a meat mallet, chewed up by a dog, swallowed, then thrown up into a pool rack filled with afro hair. She then points to me and says to the camera "You like that don't you?" Suddenly I feel the need to mentally hurl. After the whole scene is finished, she begins smoking crack, half naked, in front of us, telling us about how she hopes our videos hit it big and she can get famous from it, like Jackass. Sad... But true. I couldn't make that shit up if I tried. If you doubt this, e-mail me at [email protected] and I'll attempt to locate the video and get some vidcaps for the non believers. If you think a man of reasonable mental health, like myself, could just make that up though, you need help. Anyway, I'll probably write up another story for next week, hopefully I'll think up one of the funnier ones. For now though, Peace Out Cub Scouts...

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